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This is how he is-just when I think he's progressing, he changes...
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<blockquote data-quote="blackgnat" data-source="post: 634952" data-attributes="member: 13561"><p>Thanks, guys. I feel just so damned sad today. I spoke to difficult child about an hour ago and he is out of detox. the community program and his P.O. have put some stricter requirements in place-he told them he was living with his dad ( a lie-I guess he lost his bed in the homeless shelter) and they want him to check in daily, with his father present so they can ascertain that difficult child is really there.</p><p></p><p>But difficult child told me, "Ma, I accept that I am destined to go to prison. I would rather do that and get it over with than to live the way they want me to.I know I'm saying this now and when I'm in the fire, I might be singing a different tune, but right now, I'm sick of probation. I am staying with a friend and I'm just going to keep hidden for as long as I can. If you don't hear from me then you know that I've been arrested. I don't give an eff any more. I love you and I'll think about you and I'll always be your son (?) I just hope you don't die while I'm in there (again, ?)"</p><p></p><p>I said " Well, we've had this conversation and I guess you have made your decision. You are a man. I hope I don't die when you're in there, too! And don't YOU die when I'm out here". Just a bit of gallows humor to lighten the mood.</p><p></p><p>I am bopping around like a pinball between feeling sad and then feeling acceptance. God knows I don't want him to go to prison, but it's HIS choice. The acceptance piece almost feels like an ABSENCE of feeling-if that makes sense? I wonder if I have sociopathic elements, or whether I've just been through so much of this guano for so many years, that I'm incapable of experiencing the true impact of the idea?</p><p></p><p>Why would anyone CHOOSE this? Is he THAT dead inside? That's what makes me sad. But I guess that part will never change. I feel like I'm truly saying goodbye to him. Like I'm sending him off on a journey or something and it can never go back to the way it was-which is a good thing!-like a rite of passage. I have felt a BIT like this before, like when I left him in Colorado. Or those two times he lived with his father in Texas. Or the time I sent him to live with my sister in Europe. Yep, I have definitely done this before. But this time it feels different. Heavier. More final. Sigh.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="blackgnat, post: 634952, member: 13561"] Thanks, guys. I feel just so damned sad today. I spoke to difficult child about an hour ago and he is out of detox. the community program and his P.O. have put some stricter requirements in place-he told them he was living with his dad ( a lie-I guess he lost his bed in the homeless shelter) and they want him to check in daily, with his father present so they can ascertain that difficult child is really there. But difficult child told me, "Ma, I accept that I am destined to go to prison. I would rather do that and get it over with than to live the way they want me to.I know I'm saying this now and when I'm in the fire, I might be singing a different tune, but right now, I'm sick of probation. I am staying with a friend and I'm just going to keep hidden for as long as I can. If you don't hear from me then you know that I've been arrested. I don't give an eff any more. I love you and I'll think about you and I'll always be your son (?) I just hope you don't die while I'm in there (again, ?)" I said " Well, we've had this conversation and I guess you have made your decision. You are a man. I hope I don't die when you're in there, too! And don't YOU die when I'm out here". Just a bit of gallows humor to lighten the mood. I am bopping around like a pinball between feeling sad and then feeling acceptance. God knows I don't want him to go to prison, but it's HIS choice. The acceptance piece almost feels like an ABSENCE of feeling-if that makes sense? I wonder if I have sociopathic elements, or whether I've just been through so much of this guano for so many years, that I'm incapable of experiencing the true impact of the idea? Why would anyone CHOOSE this? Is he THAT dead inside? That's what makes me sad. But I guess that part will never change. I feel like I'm truly saying goodbye to him. Like I'm sending him off on a journey or something and it can never go back to the way it was-which is a good thing!-like a rite of passage. I have felt a BIT like this before, like when I left him in Colorado. Or those two times he lived with his father in Texas. Or the time I sent him to live with my sister in Europe. Yep, I have definitely done this before. But this time it feels different. Heavier. More final. Sigh. [/QUOTE]
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This is how he is-just when I think he's progressing, he changes...
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