So difficult child has been going about his business-sleeping at the homeless shelter, getting random drug tests, breathalyzers twice a day. Has a job at a call center that is willing to hire felons. Hasn't started it and doesn't have any intention of doing so. Just doesn't want that life. He has also been abusing prescription drugs that he was given by doctors AND by other guys in the shelter, just for kicks. Everyone in the shelter does it, apparently. Gets a kick out of fooling the professionals in the community mental health program. Did drugs in jail-I was foolishly unaware of this until I went to visit him in Colorado in July. So he really hasn't been sober for months but has been pretty convincing so probably not a lot of people knew. Because he has a diagnosis of Schizoaffective disorder ( I think he's a sociopath) he is conniving and manipulative and if he DOES think he is under suspicion, he will ramp up the paranoia (mostly acting, but some truth to it.) and get off scot -free. He kept saying he was losing it and hated the life he was leading. Sick of the drugs, the poverty and hopelessness. I told him he was the only one who could change it. He is on 3 years probation and I have never thought he would make it that long. Yesterday he called and said he was in a bad place and was thinking of relapsing. We had a long chat and he said that he understood the possible consequences (prison) but accepted them because he hated being sober. I insisted that he acknowledged the responsibility of his actions. He went back to his friend's house. This morning I texted him to see how/where he was. He told me that he was on his way to the Mexican border with a buddy and they couldn't remember how they got there. I went ballistic at his stupidity. Then he told me he was joking and never thought I would fall for that joke. I was appalled at his cruelty. He told me that he was, however, that he was going on the run. Not leaving the state, but essentially going to stay with a friend who was in a house where he wouldn't be found. Didn't want to conform and prison didn't really scare him as much, as he would rather do time and get it over with than be tied to a probation he couldn't adhere to. So now, yet again, I have to adjust or really retrain my brain to understand the nature of my son. He and I keep having to come to the realization that it is HIS life, HIS choices and MY life and MY choices. The twain do NOT have to meet. Not sure what I'm asking for. Just processing as I write. Feel a weariness that I have to keep dissecting my attitudes and philosophy towards the whole situation and that I will have to worry about what will happen. Not excessively or obsessively, but just that nagging feeling that it will still mostly go pear-shaped. But it probably would have done anyway... Am never going to be free of this. But with that knowledge also comes a deeper level of acceptance and that is kind of liberating. Does that make sense to anyone? He is going to live his life in this criminal and reckless state until it stops or he changes -for better or worse. And so I must live mine in my own way. Sorry this was such a novel. Thanks to anyone who got this far. Let the re-learning begin!