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This is how he is-just when I think he's progressing, he changes...
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 635071" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Blackgnat, there Is no mother, anywhere, who comes through raising a difficult child child unscathed. I think there comes a time for each of us though, when we begin to see through the patina motherlove wraps around our children. And when that happens, it's like we are fighting to know the truth of what we see so we can respond in a healthier way and popping ourselves back into denial in the same instant.</p><p></p><p>We go numb.</p><p></p><p>But at the same time, there is a desperate sense that time is running out, that a trap is about to be sprung, that our child is in mortal danger.</p><p></p><p>I can remember difficult child son coming home and looking like this grown up man.</p><p></p><p>Disconnect, again. This was not that little boy I saw in my mind's eye....</p><p></p><p>I would search for my son in that stranger's eyes.</p><p></p><p>I think that's why traumatized moms post so often about the mindlessness or emptiness in the eyes of our difficult children.</p><p></p><p>We are always searching their eyes for the truth of who this person is that looks a little like our child.</p><p></p><p>I think we cannot bear to see the truth of it.</p><p></p><p>Back into denial we go.</p><p></p><p>Very lonely, to do that.</p><p></p><p>Heartbreaking, and we let it slip away</p><p>without comment.</p><p></p><p>After all, it's not about us, it's about saving the child, right?</p><p></p><p>When that first started happening to me, the truths that were breaking through were so impossibly ugly that I wondered what was the matter with me, to be thinking such horrible things about my own child. I wondered whether this heartless, clueless, angry person was who I'd really been all along.</p><p></p><p>Maybe all that wonderfulness was just a pose...and maybe that's why this happened.</p><p></p><p>BOOM</p><p></p><p>Back into denial, into fixing and enabling and taking responsibility for choices I never made and would never in a million years condone.</p><p></p><p>It's a process, blackgnat, and it takes time. We are learning how it is possible to love someone we have learned we cannot trust and do not understand.</p><p></p><p>It is our own child we are in this kind of crazy, discordant relationship with. I found myself superimposing the face of my child when he was young, before everything went wrong, over the face of the grown man.</p><p></p><p>And that led to all kinds of wrong responses on my part.</p><p></p><p>It was such a weird time.</p><p></p><p>I knew I was doing that, but I didn't let myself know I was doing that at the same time.</p><p></p><p>It was such a desperate feeling.</p><p></p><p>I don't know whether you can see it blackgnat, but I see incredible change in you, in how you are interpreting your son's role and your own. These feelings are a normal, welcome, vital step along the way to being able to see our children as separate from us.</p><p></p><p>I am always posting about my belief that there is some genetic something at work within us that prevents us from letting go of our kids until they are okay in the world. I think this is the part of us responsible for showing us the toddler's face, or the young adolescent's face, when the "child" in trouble is really 40 or 50 or 60.</p><p></p><p>There was a murder in our town, night before last. A thirty something son stabbed his 71 year old mother to death.</p><p></p><p>We really are not playing games, here.</p><p></p><p>It is crucial that we learn to see the truth about what is happening to our kids -- and to us.</p><p></p><p>How much different is it, really, to spend our lives, our strength and youth and treasure on the things that interest an addicted child than to have that same child actually take our lives?</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 635071, member: 17461"] Blackgnat, there Is no mother, anywhere, who comes through raising a difficult child child unscathed. I think there comes a time for each of us though, when we begin to see through the patina motherlove wraps around our children. And when that happens, it's like we are fighting to know the truth of what we see so we can respond in a healthier way and popping ourselves back into denial in the same instant. We go numb. But at the same time, there is a desperate sense that time is running out, that a trap is about to be sprung, that our child is in mortal danger. I can remember difficult child son coming home and looking like this grown up man. Disconnect, again. This was not that little boy I saw in my mind's eye.... I would search for my son in that stranger's eyes. I think that's why traumatized moms post so often about the mindlessness or emptiness in the eyes of our difficult children. We are always searching their eyes for the truth of who this person is that looks a little like our child. I think we cannot bear to see the truth of it. Back into denial we go. Very lonely, to do that. Heartbreaking, and we let it slip away without comment. After all, it's not about us, it's about saving the child, right? When that first started happening to me, the truths that were breaking through were so impossibly ugly that I wondered what was the matter with me, to be thinking such horrible things about my own child. I wondered whether this heartless, clueless, angry person was who I'd really been all along. Maybe all that wonderfulness was just a pose...and maybe that's why this happened. BOOM Back into denial, into fixing and enabling and taking responsibility for choices I never made and would never in a million years condone. It's a process, blackgnat, and it takes time. We are learning how it is possible to love someone we have learned we cannot trust and do not understand. It is our own child we are in this kind of crazy, discordant relationship with. I found myself superimposing the face of my child when he was young, before everything went wrong, over the face of the grown man. And that led to all kinds of wrong responses on my part. It was such a weird time. I knew I was doing that, but I didn't let myself know I was doing that at the same time. It was such a desperate feeling. I don't know whether you can see it blackgnat, but I see incredible change in you, in how you are interpreting your son's role and your own. These feelings are a normal, welcome, vital step along the way to being able to see our children as separate from us. I am always posting about my belief that there is some genetic something at work within us that prevents us from letting go of our kids until they are okay in the world. I think this is the part of us responsible for showing us the toddler's face, or the young adolescent's face, when the "child" in trouble is really 40 or 50 or 60. There was a murder in our town, night before last. A thirty something son stabbed his 71 year old mother to death. We really are not playing games, here. It is crucial that we learn to see the truth about what is happening to our kids -- and to us. How much different is it, really, to spend our lives, our strength and youth and treasure on the things that interest an addicted child than to have that same child actually take our lives? Cedar [/QUOTE]
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This is how he is-just when I think he's progressing, he changes...
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