BG, I am seriously a recovering codependent and I know exactly what you are talking about. When all of our focus is on others, when we are always focused on the external, we have no real inner core of our own, we have to develop that core and nurture it. It's tough to learn to take care of ourselves.
And, that survivor guilt is real, especially with our kids. There was a point here on this board when I was having difficulty allowing myself to give to myself when my daughter had so little and was struggling along...........Calamity Jane, one of our warrior Mom's said to me, "what are you going to do RE, wear a hair shirt?" I had to look up what that was exactly, but when I did, I cracked up. I could see that image so clearly and what she meant by it. It became a visual for me that I could use whenever I felt that weird sense of it's not okay for me to be happy or have anything when my own child is struggling.
You are the only one who can change this for yourself BG, your son is making his own choices and you're being dragged around by them. Stop it. You don't have to go on that ride. He does because he is choosing to. You don't. Get off that merry go round right now.
You have to make the choice to take care of you. YOU have to do something to change it. My suggestion to you is to do something kind for yourself RIGHT NOW and begin to make different choices. Go to Australia. Go be with your best friend and enjoy your life. YOU DESERVE THAT. You deserve to be happy and healthy.
