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Substance Abuse
Thoughts on expectations?
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 516679"><p>Here are the expectations we set for our difficult child: </p><p></p><p>I realize that your son is not welcome in your home -(and neither is mine) but I think these are adaptable with some wording changes to kids who live apart yet seek to be part of the family:</p><p></p><p>We started out by stating that none of these things were meant as punishment. It was just the way it was going to be if we were going to repair and renew our relationship.</p><p></p><p><em>The trust we shared has been broken. In addition, our hearts have been broken.You are our son and we love you no matter what. We will always welcome you into our family and we want you to be a part of our family life. Our home is open to you so long as you agree to respect and honor us as your parents and as homeowners. </em></p><p></p><p><em>Drug use, underage drinking and the accompanying lifestyle is NOT OK with us and never will be. And we will not support your lifestyle financially so long as you are smoking weed and drinking alcohol. So long as we know you could test positive for marijuana, you may not drive any of our vehicles. You are not welcome in our home if you are drunk or high. You may never bring drugs or drug paraphernalia into our home. If we find either, we will call the police. Premarital sexual activity and pornography are not welcome in our home at any time. If you are staying here, we expect you home by midnight on the weekdays and 1:30 on Friday & Saturday. This is not a curfew, we don't care how late you stay out when you are at school, rather this is us choosing our need to have restful sleep. If you want to stay out later, you needs to stay with a friend and notify us before 10pm that you will not be home. There is no place in our home for disruptive or violent behavior. You will be a good example to your brothers and not promote drug or alcohol use. We acknowledge and accept that you are an an adult and we would never dream of telling you what to do when you are living in your own apartment and supporting yourself. In the same light, this is OUR home and we have the right to set our own standard of living here. If you do not want to follow these guidelines, you are not welcome to stay here. If you chose to stay here and do not respect our wishes, you must leave. </em></p><p></p><p>this was part of the caveat had he wished to stay home & go to school locally (we know how that ended)</p><p></p><p><em>We will not pay room or board or send living expenses so long as you are using drugs or alcohol. You are always welcome change your mind, to live at home, work and go to school locally so long as you get some professional guidance and agree to regular drug and alcohol testing. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em>So, I think you could decide what your expectations are and tie your financial & emotional support to that - at the same time stressing that it's about expectations and performance - not about punishment and control. His privileges as a member of the family are in direct relation to how is handling his responsibilities as a member of the family. He has pushed your family too far and it's his turn to give back and he may have to work extra hard. He's lost the benefit of the doubt - and while your heads know that - your heart is still wide open to him. And the primary responsibility is to remain sober.Now we all know this did not work out for me.(not) I think if I had it to rewrite - I would add a huge phrase about honesty & integrity. Somehow, I thought "tell the truth" was mutually understood & agreeable. <snort> And at this point in our history, I would be clear that the trust needed to be regained, that it was completely gone because he abused our trust to the point of empty. And I would be clear that we would be verifying things.</p><p></p><p>But he'd have to call me first in order for me to say any of these things. :-(</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 516679"] Here are the expectations we set for our difficult child: I realize that your son is not welcome in your home -(and neither is mine) but I think these are adaptable with some wording changes to kids who live apart yet seek to be part of the family: We started out by stating that none of these things were meant as punishment. It was just the way it was going to be if we were going to repair and renew our relationship. [I]The trust we shared has been broken. In addition, our hearts have been broken.You are our son and we love you no matter what. We will always welcome you into our family and we want you to be a part of our family life. Our home is open to you so long as you agree to respect and honor us as your parents and as homeowners. [/I] [I]Drug use, underage drinking and the accompanying lifestyle is NOT OK with us and never will be. And we will not support your lifestyle financially so long as you are smoking weed and drinking alcohol. So long as we know you could test positive for marijuana, you may not drive any of our vehicles. You are not welcome in our home if you are drunk or high. You may never bring drugs or drug paraphernalia into our home. If we find either, we will call the police. Premarital sexual activity and pornography are not welcome in our home at any time. If you are staying here, we expect you home by midnight on the weekdays and 1:30 on Friday & Saturday. This is not a curfew, we don't care how late you stay out when you are at school, rather this is us choosing our need to have restful sleep. If you want to stay out later, you needs to stay with a friend and notify us before 10pm that you will not be home. There is no place in our home for disruptive or violent behavior. You will be a good example to your brothers and not promote drug or alcohol use. We acknowledge and accept that you are an an adult and we would never dream of telling you what to do when you are living in your own apartment and supporting yourself. In the same light, this is OUR home and we have the right to set our own standard of living here. If you do not want to follow these guidelines, you are not welcome to stay here. If you chose to stay here and do not respect our wishes, you must leave. [/I] this was part of the caveat had he wished to stay home & go to school locally (we know how that ended) [I]We will not pay room or board or send living expenses so long as you are using drugs or alcohol. You are always welcome change your mind, to live at home, work and go to school locally so long as you get some professional guidance and agree to regular drug and alcohol testing. [/I]So, I think you could decide what your expectations are and tie your financial & emotional support to that - at the same time stressing that it's about expectations and performance - not about punishment and control. His privileges as a member of the family are in direct relation to how is handling his responsibilities as a member of the family. He has pushed your family too far and it's his turn to give back and he may have to work extra hard. He's lost the benefit of the doubt - and while your heads know that - your heart is still wide open to him. And the primary responsibility is to remain sober.Now we all know this did not work out for me.(not) I think if I had it to rewrite - I would add a huge phrase about honesty & integrity. Somehow, I thought "tell the truth" was mutually understood & agreeable. <snort> And at this point in our history, I would be clear that the trust needed to be regained, that it was completely gone because he abused our trust to the point of empty. And I would be clear that we would be verifying things. But he'd have to call me first in order for me to say any of these things. :-( [/QUOTE]
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