Time for change......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Im a Believer, May 14, 2010.

  1. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    I have really been trying to break my codependent character the past few years.

    I was doing awesome until my difficult child #3 came back into my life a few months ago. He moved in with my mom and I heard thru the grapevine she has asked him to leave.

    He has been calling me all day ~ I'm not answering ~ He left one message to call him and I am struggeling ~

    I know I can't call ~ Right???
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think you can call if you can stick to your guns. Make a list of what you will and won't do before you talk to him. If you can't stick to the script, don't call. If he says something that makes you feel like you want to go off script, there's no shame in telling him "I hadn't considered that and I will need time to think it over." Then do. Talk to us or to a friend or minister or whoever you think it is that gives you the best advice. Take what you can use and leave the rest. But don't make a knee jerk decision. If you tell him you need time to consider it, and he goes all ape on you, you'll know what your answer is. You don't have to give it to him right then, because it may not be heard. But if it were me, I'd probably call - under those circumstances.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think Witz makes perfect sense.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I agree. If you think you have a chance of waffling.............don't call.

    Otherwise make that list of dos and don'Tourette's Syndrome and stick to it.

  5. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Don't know all the details. If you feel you are too weak, probably best not to call. Is this your 29 yo?
    Wise of you to stop and think about it all.
    If you are going to call, take plenty of time to have a plan ahead of time.
    Think long and hard before allowing him back into your home. Perhaps offer some sugestions of other places to live (?????)
    Agree with- Witz...be non-committal.
    If he is rude to you, get off the phone and PRONTO. Esp. if this is your 29 yo, I would REALLY think long and hard about what brought him to this situation in the first place. Perhaps time for him to face reality. He had a good deal at your parent's home...and what happened?
    My guess is that you are totally exhausted and its time fo you to get some respite.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    he is doing what babies do when they are learning to walk. He just plops down and yells and yells for someone to pick him up and carry him. He is NOT an infant or toddler. It needs to not work.

    If you feel that you will give in if you call, then you are right. You cannot call. If you can make a script, practice it and fill it with lines like, "wow. What are you going to do about that?" or "oh. I see. I guess you do have a problem there." and if he asks to stay with you, even for an hour or a day or three, then you say something like "I don't think I would enjoy that." or "It is time for you to handle this yourself."

    I am sorry you are not feeling stronger.

  7. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    Nomad ~ Sorry - This is my 22 year old.

    I was extrememly upset and having panic attacks when I posted yesterday.

    This son was the most abused by his dad - He has terrible anger issues along with drug use. He has been in and out of my home at least a half a dozen times. Last time which was over 2 years ago - he was caught smoking pot in my basement numerous times - stole and pawned my property - snuck a girl in to spend the night and the day he left - he threw my youngest son - then 16 into a wall and attacked my husband (his step dad) in the kitchen - we had to call the police.

    He has lived with my oldest daughter and her husband 2 or 3 times (my son in law is done) Two years ago I wrote on here about a friend of the family that took him in and came over and yelled at me for being a "bad parent" and throwing him out. by the way ~ This same "gentleman" threw him out a few months ago after letting him live there for a year and he wouldn't work.

    My mom took him in with the understanding he now wanted help and was to get on waiting list for rehab that he qualified for - our area has tons of places - he ended up not calling any of them and DEMANDS that I let him live with me so he can go to school cuz that's what he needs now ~

    The last time I talked to him was about 2 weeks ago at my moms and he went off on me how everything is my fault - yadaa yadaa yadaa.

    Honestly - My son makes my blood pressure rise and I have panic attacks just talking to him. He is a lot like his father and has the same temper. I am afraid of him and it's easier to detach if I don't talk or see him.

    I feel bad saying that but since he came back into my life a few months ago - I have been spiraling out of control with my codependency and panic attacks from worrying.

    Because he was the most abused - I was always his protector so I struggle with not being able to help him now ~ It is a vicious circle.

    I had to add medication this week for the depression and panic attacks - I was totally out of control and my couselor was considering having me hospitalized.

    Today I had an awesome day with my husband - we went out for breakfast and worked in the yard and I did not think about him once (Again a little guilt about that).

    I will lose my mind if I continue to allow myself to get wrapped up in all the **** my addicted kids are into. I have to take care of myself.

    My 2 daughters are MAD at me because my 22 year old is calling them and "crying" - they say I am putting them in the parental role - I told them "No - You put yourself in that role."

    We need to let "J" hit bottom - we keep catching him as he's falling and sooner or later he goes over the cliff again and then we have to fight from being pulled over the edge with him - We have to stop the chaos - Let him fall so he can see where he is (the bottom) and has no where to look but up.

    It is hard to have my oldest daughter upset with me - I have a granddaughter - my whole family is codependent on each other.

    Thankfully I had a couselor appointment yesterday (perfect timing) - My couselor shared something I have never heard before.

    I am to think of my family as a chess game - I am the Queen - I am to hold my head high - I can move anywhere I want and they will follow - As moms we have a lot more power than we realize.

    I want to do what is best for my son - There's nothing I can do to help him. My church even approached me and offered to pay for his rehab. I have been a long time member and my husband and I are very involved and the church has a benevolence fund and voted to help my son if he really wants it.

    He knows that and has not returned their calls.

    I am going on and on but just in processing this to you - I know I have to Let Go ~

    Opinions - Advice - etc. are always welcome whenever I post.

    I have made so many mistakes I fear doing anything for making more.

  8. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    Thanks to everyone else who posted ~ I really don't know what I would do sometimes without you all here ~ Even to lurk and read about others is somehow comforting ~

    Especially when no one in YOUR REALWORLD has these types of issues ~

    {{{GROUP HUG}}}