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Time to cut off from my FOO?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 665962" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I did this with my mom. I called her to try to make amends and figured that if he chose not to, that it was on her, not me. But I really did want to try and, of course, it failed. She never called me once for a period of about ten years. I called her to try to keep a connection that she didn't want and that I was unsatisfied with and I'm not quite sure why I didn't catch on sooner that having her in my life, the way she thought about me, was unhealthy to me and even for her as I let her practice her toxic ways. Now she was not toxic to her "golden people." She worshipped some people and despised others. That is black and white thinking, which is characteristic of personality disorders. These mothers worship one child (my brother) and blame everything bad that happens on another one (me) a nd sometimes ignores another one completely (lost child Sister). They don't seem to understand treating all the children equally with the same amount of kindness and love. Of course, all kids are different, but we all need equal amounts of love.</p><p></p><p>Her Golden Child has never had a live-in relationship. Ever. In over 50 years.</p><p></p><p>My sister tried very hard to get my mother's approval and sh e did, but I'm not sure if it was good or bad for her. She is unable to pick emotionally available men and has never had a successful love relationship. She tends to pick abusive men or men unavailable in other ways, such as married men. Me? I got lucky on my second husband. The first one was not emotionally available.</p><p></p><p>When one has a toxic parent, everyone is affected in some way and everyone tends to tear one another apart with blame and that warm, fuzzy family just doesn't happen. So we can make a warm, fuzzy family with those who do love us. I did adopt one child at age six from another country and he is no longer in my life. My heart hurts for that, but I won't give up my life for him...he did come here at a later age, which, I'm told, made it hard for him to bond. I don't hate on him either. I love him and am glad he is well. But I truly only want those in my life who are going to be nice to me and one another. My husband, my four other kids, and my grandkids are enough for me. As of late, I have gotten involved in groups that are giving me some wonderful friends who I don't quite trust 100% yet, but they are proving to so far not be the type who talks behind your back or talks behind the backs of others, which to me indicates untrustworthy people. Not safe.</p><p></p><p>You keep learning. It IS a learning curve. Read up on personality disordered parents and what kind of life we live under their rule, and you will probably see your own parents and your own childhood family. I was surprised at how much mine resembled the description. First and foremost is divide and conquer. A good child, a bad child, a forgotten child, more if there are more. Roles for all. Nobody getting too close to the scapegoat. One person who has to die on the cross for the family sins, so to speak. And that scapegoat either gets the hello out of Dodge or is scapegoated forever. And who deserves that?</p><p></p><p>Not me. Not you either.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 665962, member: 1550"] I did this with my mom. I called her to try to make amends and figured that if he chose not to, that it was on her, not me. But I really did want to try and, of course, it failed. She never called me once for a period of about ten years. I called her to try to keep a connection that she didn't want and that I was unsatisfied with and I'm not quite sure why I didn't catch on sooner that having her in my life, the way she thought about me, was unhealthy to me and even for her as I let her practice her toxic ways. Now she was not toxic to her "golden people." She worshipped some people and despised others. That is black and white thinking, which is characteristic of personality disorders. These mothers worship one child (my brother) and blame everything bad that happens on another one (me) a nd sometimes ignores another one completely (lost child Sister). They don't seem to understand treating all the children equally with the same amount of kindness and love. Of course, all kids are different, but we all need equal amounts of love. Her Golden Child has never had a live-in relationship. Ever. In over 50 years. My sister tried very hard to get my mother's approval and sh e did, but I'm not sure if it was good or bad for her. She is unable to pick emotionally available men and has never had a successful love relationship. She tends to pick abusive men or men unavailable in other ways, such as married men. Me? I got lucky on my second husband. The first one was not emotionally available. When one has a toxic parent, everyone is affected in some way and everyone tends to tear one another apart with blame and that warm, fuzzy family just doesn't happen. So we can make a warm, fuzzy family with those who do love us. I did adopt one child at age six from another country and he is no longer in my life. My heart hurts for that, but I won't give up my life for him...he did come here at a later age, which, I'm told, made it hard for him to bond. I don't hate on him either. I love him and am glad he is well. But I truly only want those in my life who are going to be nice to me and one another. My husband, my four other kids, and my grandkids are enough for me. As of late, I have gotten involved in groups that are giving me some wonderful friends who I don't quite trust 100% yet, but they are proving to so far not be the type who talks behind your back or talks behind the backs of others, which to me indicates untrustworthy people. Not safe. You keep learning. It IS a learning curve. Read up on personality disordered parents and what kind of life we live under their rule, and you will probably see your own parents and your own childhood family. I was surprised at how much mine resembled the description. First and foremost is divide and conquer. A good child, a bad child, a forgotten child, more if there are more. Roles for all. Nobody getting too close to the scapegoat. One person who has to die on the cross for the family sins, so to speak. And that scapegoat either gets the hello out of Dodge or is scapegoated forever. And who deserves that? Not me. Not you either. [/QUOTE]
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