TipToeing in with question.........

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Jul 1, 2008.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Today the lady at the detention center in the mental health part called me. She was talking about treatment centers. She hooked me up with another lady. This lady starts telling me where all the treatment centers are .......I told her we had been to just about all of the ones we could afford. Anyway, she said I should write the Judge on the court date a letter stating that our son needs treatment for his disease of addiction along with the fact that we were victims of the bond thing. She said it would be a good idea to carbon copy the prosecutor. My son does not have the same PD now - they changed it yesterday to who knows now. Anyway - what do you think about that? I was just telling her the situation - I dont want him to come home until he has had long term treatment. He could die at my house or on the street - or I guess anywhere but he just doesnt want to see that.
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm trying to figure out why someone from the jail is calling you. You're not his guardian. He's an adult. This makes no sense, sorry. It makes even less sense that she recommend that you right a judge. It is illegal for the judge to read anything you (or anyone else for that matter) writes to him unless it is filed with the court with copies to all parties (attorneys or individuals if represented by themselves). Since this mental health person is part of the jail system, she should know this.

    If you decide to write a letter, simply send it to the PD's office with your son's name and case number. It will be given to the appropriate attorney and then filed. The PD can mention your letter at the hearing or even introduce it as evidence if he or she deems that would be the appropriate action.

    Writing the judge directly is an act of futility. When he was a juvenile, you could do this so long as you copied all parties -- the laws for juvenile offenders is much different. He is now an adult facing felony charges. At the least, the judge will send the letter back to you. At the worst, he might pull you up for contempt charges and either fine or jail you.

    Susan, you really need to tell the people at the jail to not contact you. This is your son's responsibility. Not yours. He needs to learn to sink or swim on his own. No matter how much you try to do for him, it won't ever be enough and it will not lead to success for him -- he really has to do this for himself.

    Like an infant, you held him when he first started learning to walk. Once he was walking, you let him do it on his own so that he could start his road to independence. As a young boy, you held his bike as he learned to ride. Then you let him ride with training wheels; then back to holding the bike a little until he got used to no training wheels. You've held him up long enough. The training wheels have been removed -- as a matter of fact, he removed them himself when he left rehab after rehab without working the programs. It is time for him to ride alone, whether you feel he is ready or not.
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Susan, I know you want to help your son. I know these people want to help. I think you need to tell them that you don't know what he is going to do, but he is not welcomed back into your home. You do not have to write to the judge or PD. Unless you say so, they can not release him to your home. He is 24. You are not responsible for paying for his treatment anymore. You are not responsible for making sure he goes to treatment. You are only responsible for telling him that he can't come back to your house. God bless.
  4. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    OK I understand Everywoman. That makes sense. I will think on that a while. thanks
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The only time I was asked anything was if my son still used my address as his own and if I had a problem with him being on house arrest there. When I said I didnt, that was that. And that was asked by the probation people...not the judge.
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    What did your Al-Anon sponsor say? If they didn't say "walk away", you need a new sponsor.
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

  8. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I am going to walk away. I am not going to write the judge. I need to keep my hands out of the "pot". It is hard when I feel like they dont have ALL the information they need to make a verdit! The major fear I have is that they will let him walk - I just want them to know home is not an option. It may backfire if I wrote the judge or he may not even read it -it might just make him mad that he thinks I am trying to sway the decision. I guess sometimes I just want them to know my son - who he was I guess - but he cant continue to break the law and think he will get by with it. So there.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You can not help him.
    Honestly, if you put him in rehab again and buy "he can be fixed" again, I'm going to put you into the "hopeless" category...lol (j/k, but only a little).

    He can get into rehabs without anyone's help. You know the story--he doesn't want to get clean. If he did, frankly, many people do it without a rehab.

    Go to Al-Anon today and every day until you get it in your head that you can not fix him and that it is only making him worse. Read the Serenity Prayer. Recite it over and over again. It's a really good prayer.
  10. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Try not to see it as walking away, Susan. The truth is that you believed your son in the past and had him home ~to his detriment, and yours.

    The reason we cannot help our addicted children is because the addiction is stronger than they are ~ stronger than we are, too.

    Stronger than love, because addicted people walk away from their parents,their children and their spouses, and back into their addictions, every day.

    Helping isn't helping, when the issue is addiction.

    Choosing not to help does not mean we (parents or children or spouses) get away scot free.

    We suffer, because someone we love is suffering.

    But helping a using addict services nothing but the addiction.

    Your son (and mine, too) need to get clean.

    We cannot help them do that.

    No one can help them.

    That is why this is so hard.

    But if we can turn away once we have done all we know and once we get it that turning away is the only thing left to do, then maybe our addicted loved ones can help themselves.

    You sound stronger, Susan.

    I know how confusing this is, but I too think you are doing the right thing by letting your son meet the consequences of his choices.

  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    (testing, testing) lol
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    But what did your sponsor say?
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think that the reason we cannot help our addicted children is because it is their addiction, not our addiction.
  14. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    True and my sponsor said not to get involved. Her son is in prison and she has done a great job of staying on the outside. He threatened her and her husbands lives - he is 24 also - he will only be there l-1/2 years. She has answered his letters but very carefully because he manipulates like mine does. It is weird when you have to examine every word you put down - that is why I dont go see my son much - it tears me apart and what I say to him may not be what he needs to hear -
  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    thanks Barbara and everyone - I have come to be stronger because of you all and Alanon and God - maybe God first - anyway I appreciate all of your opinions - they help me see even if it takes a million times of telling me the same thing - you are helping me "get it".
  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think your sponsor gave you very good advice.
  17. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yes - thanks for following my post! I really dont think he will go to court on that day either. The PD's office said they would have to get him another PD and he probably would not go on that day. I am just not going to worry about it. You can read my post on Teens and Substance too. Also on Watercooler! I am trying to not be so obsessed!!! It may take a few years! I hope to be typing when I am 80 - maybe not about the same things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!