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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 171838" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Sharon, you said, "Parenting is one of those areas where we make a choice."</p><p></p><p>Sometimes - a lot of times - people either don't realise they can make a choice, or they don't see a need to. They just go ahead and do what needs to be done at that moment. Or in some cases, lurch from crisis to crisis.</p><p></p><p>My best friend would like to believe she doesn't parent the way she was raised. And in a lot of ways, she would be right. But in some ways she is very much exhibiting the same characteristics that so angered her about her own parents. Especially the capacity for self-deception and denial. And because both self-deception and denial allow you to justify your choices (or justify not making choices), it means that her parenting style keeps snapping back to the default setting.</p><p></p><p>In other words, all the mistakes her parents made are still living on in the way she is living her life.</p><p></p><p>And I can't tell her - because even if she could agree with me, in a moment of rare lucidity, she would rewrite reality in the next short time and it would be as if our conversation never happened.</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately, she is not unusual in this.</p><p></p><p>I also made a choice to parent in a different way to my parents, but I know that a lot of the time, I do things in a very similar way. I like to think I've kept the good stuff and rejected the bad stuff. But then my (now adult) kids will tease me about my stock phrases, or my faults (what? I HAVE FAULTS?) and I realise I am far from perfect. And what is worse, my kids know it.</p><p></p><p>So if it is true that we have the capacity to choose how we parent our kids, then how can we accurately and truly assess how successful we have been in making and sticking with that choice?</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 171838, member: 1991"] Sharon, you said, "Parenting is one of those areas where we make a choice." Sometimes - a lot of times - people either don't realise they can make a choice, or they don't see a need to. They just go ahead and do what needs to be done at that moment. Or in some cases, lurch from crisis to crisis. My best friend would like to believe she doesn't parent the way she was raised. And in a lot of ways, she would be right. But in some ways she is very much exhibiting the same characteristics that so angered her about her own parents. Especially the capacity for self-deception and denial. And because both self-deception and denial allow you to justify your choices (or justify not making choices), it means that her parenting style keeps snapping back to the default setting. In other words, all the mistakes her parents made are still living on in the way she is living her life. And I can't tell her - because even if she could agree with me, in a moment of rare lucidity, she would rewrite reality in the next short time and it would be as if our conversation never happened. Unfortunately, she is not unusual in this. I also made a choice to parent in a different way to my parents, but I know that a lot of the time, I do things in a very similar way. I like to think I've kept the good stuff and rejected the bad stuff. But then my (now adult) kids will tease me about my stock phrases, or my faults (what? I HAVE FAULTS?) and I realise I am far from perfect. And what is worse, my kids know it. So if it is true that we have the capacity to choose how we parent our kids, then how can we accurately and truly assess how successful we have been in making and sticking with that choice? Marg [/QUOTE]
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