to call or not to call?

[Kjs]

Since difficult child has to get up alone and get ready three days a week, I always call him in the morning to be sure he is up, and to tell him I love him. He usually goes online and we chat a bit. But after the huge, huge blow up last night, it just tore the whole "family" apart. I ended up leaving and not seeing him off to bed. I don't think he wants to hear from me, and not sure I want to talk to him. But the thought of him going to school, without saying I love you, is killing me. So, do I call or do I not call?

 

[nlg319]

Not sure what to tell you about that one...I mean the fact that you love him is not an issue but how he talks to you and treats you is. If you want to call, go ahead but make sure you let him know that you were hurt by his words or behavior. I know you want to send a message to him and not let him think that he can act that way and the next day, it's all fine. Tell him all that and tell him you love him...because that never changes.

 

[Kjs]

Heck..he acts that way and within an hour he thinks it is all fine. Not this time. I am just to broken apart. Still can't believe they didn't tell me report cards came, or even what it was.
I just hope he gets up. If not it is an awful long walk, and another night detention. I just can't call. I am afraid he will yell or something, then I will regret it. Then, what if something happens, I have been up since 8pm Sunday night. I have about a 15 mile drive. Just can't handle the rejection if that were to happen.

 

[BusynMember]

I know my point of view is jaded by having had so many problems myself as a child, but I think you should swallow it and say "I love you." This child has a ton on his plate--look at all those diagnoses. I'm not saying he's not hurting you, but I AM saying that he's not stable or well yet, and probably has little control over what he does. I know it's not a popular opinion, but not many people here actually WERE the child who was out of control. It's a scary feeling to have your moods pulled in every direction against your will and you do things that you don't want to do, and then everyone thinks you're a bad kid. in my opinion you can't teach him how to behave until he's stable. He KNOWS how to behave and he CAN'T do it right now. If he's already alone in the morning, having to get himself off to school, I don't see why a fast call saying, "I love you," will be...what? Giving in? He's your kid, and you love him. Heck, make a fast call and tell him. I could have used more of those--I think it would have made me like myself better as I sought out help as an adult. Your son has some serious disorders and, once he is stable, he won't behave this way, but he obviously isn't stable yet. Maybe he needs a medication evaluation or a fresh perspective on his problems by another psychiatrist. It won't kill him if you don't call him today, but it may really cheer him up if you do. Kids don't feel all right about themselves after acting out. And I know you're feelings are hurt, but, in my opinion, it's not a good idea to take things too personally with a sick kid, and, at any rate, in my opinion again, you're the adult and he's the kid. I don't see this as a big issue, but, over the long term, it's easy to forget that you have a sick child and to be abused by a "bad" child, and that's what happened to me. It doesn't help a sick child stay together if he thinks he's bad. I know there will be a lot of disagreement, but I thought I'd state my view from an adult who was THAT kid. No, I wasn't as constantly nasty as some kids here (probably not as sick), but I had my moments. Hugs, and I wish the best for you.

 

[Kjs]

I am so scared. Panic attack I think. Scared he won't call me, and afraid to call him. sounds kind of obsurd doesn't it. Afraid of your own child. Definately would rather have physical pain than this. I tell you...I am falling apart rapidly.

 

[BusynMember]

Kjs, calm down. Do you have a therapist of your own to help you with your child?

 

[Kjs]

not anymore. I have nobody. Your it.

 

[WhymeMom?]

<span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'>Kjs,

Can you just send him an email? That way you don't have to hear any back talk and you can just express your concern. Don't make it a long message, just say you are thinking of him, love him, but you are not happy with last nights events....

I have read your other post and it seems to me you have two choices: Learn to detach or jump in and take over difficult child's school interaction. Neither road is easy, but here are a few pros/cons...

Detach....easier said than done. You may have already started the ball rolling by telling husband to handle school. You need to remove yourself from this completely. If you don't want to deal with school concerns, you don't get input. Before you take this step you need to be on the same page as husband. So unless you can get him over to your thinking you need to be content with his way of handling the situation. If you can't do that you will never be able to detach from the school situation.

Jump in, take over....again, easier said than done. If you want to have it done "your way" this is your choice. Sounds as if you want to have control, but just not prepared for meeting the brick wall that difficult child represents. difficult child will not do what you want, he's had it too easy for too long in pitting you and husband against each other. Sounds like your husband is trying to go the "friend" route instead of "parent". He just wants everybody to get along. This choice will take a great commitment on your part and things will not change immediately. Put yourself in difficult child's mindset: Its all about him. He doesn't think about you or husband when he does things....it's about "I don't feel like taking a test, I might fail, give a wrong answer, it's boring to do this, I'd rather go home, go outside...etc. I'm not going to do anything....so I will just say no...what are they gonna do?....call my dad and he will come get me (save me from the boredom)."

The frustration in this choice is you can't "make" your difficult child do anything. The only person you can control is YOU so your task here is to make difficult child try to "want" to do the assigned task. Rewards usually work better than punishments so you will have to change your whole system. Work on small rewards for small accomplishments...don't think big! Figure out what he likes and reward him for bringing home his folder. Try to get teachers to email you with assignments or short reports on his day.

I tried to break this down into choice 1 or choice 2...this is pretty much the whole thinking on dealing with difficult child...only give two choices, because more than that confuses the issue. Marg had some wise words on your other post. Until you and husband are working together your household will be chaos. I learned this the hard way and until I leveled with my husband, I was driving wedges in our relationship. It really does sound like you need some away time to regroup...and regain your sanity!

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.... </span>

:flower:

 

[Alisonlg]

OMG, Kjs...you don't have a therapist? After seeing the Xanax and Strattera in your sig, I only assumed you were seeing someone for yourself! Sweetheart, PLEASE make an appointment for YOURSELF to talk to someone. Your posts always sound so sad, so desparate, so depressed. :frown: It really sounds like you need a professional resource for yourself to talk to to help regulate and sort out all that is crashing down around you.

Sending along many gentle hugs this morning. ::::

 

[Kjs]

How can rewards help when husband buys him anything he asks for. Takes him anywhere, picks up kids, brings others anywhere. What could possibly be a reward?

 

[wakeupcall]

Kjs, my husband is almost the same. I try to take everything away, and husband just can't do it. Self-defeating. husband stayed home this morning till difficult child was ready to get on the bus, but that makes ME feel guilty. Hon, it's not an easy road at all. I don't have a therapist just for me, either. I see so many doctors with difficult child, just the idea of seeing another bums me out. I'm stubborn, so I probably wouldn't call. That would give my difficult child something to think about all day. No, I don't think your difficult child NOR mine are in complete control, but are they ever going to be? I guess I feel like the real world does NOT care if they are stable or not. There is behavior that's acceptable and behavior that is not. OUr difficult children are about the same age and about the same diagnosis and act very similiar. It's so draining to go through this day after day without an end in sight. I hear you...

 

[Marguerite]

Leave it to husband. You handed school stuff over, I do think it's the only way for now. Look after yourself. Opt out. I agree with emailing rather than ringing, I also agree that you can't change what can't be changed right now. You can't have that perfect child - he is what he is, complete with his load of problems. he didn't cause those problems and he's not coping either.

Reward/non reward - husband can sort it now. If he gives in and give difficult child what he wants, then let husband deal with the problems this causes when HE feels a reward is due.

I do think it really is the only way. And while you're so stressed and tired, you can't be as good a parent as you need to be. Look after yourself for now. get strong, get well and dump the guilt in a deep quarry.

Marg

 

[WhymeMom?]

Ditto what Marg said...

 

[BusynMember]

The real world doesn't care, but to take that step to get help, as an adult, in the real world, you have to have SOME sense of being loved and cared for unconditionally. The real world will throw you in jail for outrageous behavior so, I feel, that, as a child, rather than stressing on consequences that the child can't (not won't, but can't) meet, it's best to do all you can--throw your energy--into getting HELP. Otherwise that adult is going to step into a hostile world UNSTABLE and no better equipped to handle things than he does now. I didn't get stable because I turned 18. I got stable on medications. It was a long road and I fortunately WANTED to get help and never gave up. All this aside, klj, you need a therapist, sweetie. You need somebody on your side that you can talk to face-to-face. Call the County Mental Health Dept. if you don't have a therapist to talk to in your insurance network. Join a self-help group for parents of mentally ill children (I feel self-help groups helped me more than any therapist I ever saw.) These are people going through what you are and probably have good suggestions about what to do IN YOUR COMMUNITY. in my opinion, don't fight with husband. You create more stress. He may have decided that it's just not worth it to fight with this child over everything. I agree with him. Why wear yourself out? Is it changing your kid? It IS making YOU a nervous wreck.You can't force husband to do things your way. Please, please, please look for both a therapist and a self-help group. There ARE people around who will care and you won't feel so alone. (((Hugs)))

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

"""" ditto ditto ditto. Is there a crisis center where you could go for a respite?

You need to take care of YOU. We are all concerned.

Hugs and prayers.