to confront or not to confront

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by upallnight, Sep 14, 2009.

  1. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Ahhh, I'm about to crawl out of my skin. I had my difficult child mother out of my life for many years, then she "changed" and is sorry. Do you see where this is going? The short story for now- I let her back into my life, she played her manipulative games, lies, stories and playing dumb. I'm trying not to be confrontational. Should I get it off my chest, or bite the bullet and let her play her games? More later.
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Oh Alyssa, this is such a hard one.
    The way I see it, you have a couple of choices.

    A) Let your difficult child mother back in to your life, but identify a clear boundary in your head which you won't let her cross. Keep topics neutral, don't let her get too close, etc.


    B) Put all the cards on the table. Tell your mother exactly what's bothering you, and clearly state the terms on which you want to have a relationship with her.

    The risk with option B is that if she's not willing to hear you out, or deal with you on your terms, then you may end up with her out of your life again. Not sure if you're comfortable with that option or not.

    I chose option B with both my difficult child parents several years ago. I sat both of them down and said that if we're going to continue to have a relationship as adults, we needed to clear the air about a number of things. difficult child father was livid and tried to take revenge a number of ways, including trying to convince husband to have me committed to a psychiatric hospital. I haven't spoken to them in years and years. Honestly, though, it was a relief to have them put their feelings out there for all to see once and for all. My life is much better without the lies and manipulation, and I don't have to tiptoe around them anymore.

    Sorry for the rambling. I hope this helps you with your decision. Whatever you decide, do what's best for YOU.

  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    My mother is the ultimate difficult child. I can take her in small bits. She lives less than a mile from me, but I have not seen her in over a month. I call her once a week to check on her. I do not get involved in her daily life, and she has no involvement in mine. She is invited to my home for all holidays and special occasions. I want to make sure when life is over, I have no regrets. I understand she is mentally ill, and she can't help some of her actions--so, I accept that and deal with her own my terms. It works for me.
  4. ML

    ML Guest

    There are no right and wrong answers here. You just have to find what works for you. You have to mourn the relationship that never will be while at the same time figure out what type of relationship you *can* have. I wish you the very best xo
  5. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Well thank goodness she lives in FL and I don't! My grandmother recently died and I didn't know she was sick, she broke her hip and got MRCA in the hospital. My mom's brother, my uncle(who hasn't spoken to my mom in years, doesn't want anything to do with her- see a pattern?) kept calling,telling her to visit -her mother was dying, but she didn't- nor did she tell my sister or me that anything was wrong. She hates my aunts, doesn't want my sister nor I to talk to them- my mother is jealous of any relative we talk to. (You'd think that a mom would be happy people are kind to her children) I don't even know where to begin, I'm rambling. She thinks everyone is telling lies about her- this sounds crazy to me even. And totally disfuntional

    My other aunt left a message while my mom came to visit me last month. The message was that she was moving, her divorce is final this week, and she wanted to see me before she moved 1200 miles away. So my mom never relayed this message because my mom didn't want to go- yet I picked up her friend and spent an entire wasted day with her friend. Plus I paid for and bought everything for her, gifts etc... birthday presents and nice things for her. by the way my birthday last week, she never gave me a thing. Thoughtless, and hurtful things she does that people who like me don't do
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Have you noticed that many of us here come from very dysfunctional families with mothers who just don't "get it"? LOL! I don't know what is comfortable for you but my mother can go thru that whole cycle you described in less than one week at times- and repetitively does. Oddly enough, I NEVER blamed my mmother when I was in therapy but my therapist made a point to tell me that my mother is toxic to me, as are other family members and she made some strong suggestions that I follow. First, I don't live near her- you already have this covered. Second, I had to decide how close, if at all, I wanted to be and could be without getting back into patterns that were not healthy for me. I keep my mother at an emotional distance, I have to. But I don't ignore her efforts to communicate because I guess I figure someday she'll be dead and it will be too late to be congenial. Basicly, I communicate with her like I would an acquaintance or someone I work with but not a family member or close friend. I probably would cut her out of my life completely but I remember that she diapered my butt and put food on the table and no matter how difficult child ends up feeling about me, I hope he can always acknowledge me and at least appreciate the fact that I did those things for him. Still, my mother has hurt my feelings so much and so many times that if she cut me out of her life, I doubt I'd shed too many tears, if any.
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Walk away. She'll figure it out.
  8. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Thank you! I do agree with everyone. Trinity, I tried calling her and explaining/talking but I had to get off the merry-go-round of crazy that started, so the conversation ended. That's where it'll stay, totally toxic, I'm ignoring the relationship. Poeple can't behave like this around me. I feel much better now that I sent her a very brief and general e-mail this morning telling her that. I'Tourette's Syndrome a weight off my shoulders. Thanks for the advice.