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To Every Yin, There is a Yang
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 643328" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>You're a gem HLM, thanks for bringing that back to my attention. </p><p></p><p>I've been thinking about judgement lately. </p><p></p><p>Mine. </p><p></p><p>I was listening to a CD by Eckhart Tolle and he was talking about how when we do not accept <em>what is,</em> we suffer. He gave some examples and made this statement, <em>"being morally superior to reality.</em>" When we don't participate in parts of reality because we are 'above' it. We don't accept what is. It made me smile initially and then made me think (I love when that happens!) I started to think about myself saying "I took the high ground", or I didn't participate in something because it was beneath me...........and then it occurred to me what judgements those were.... to presume that not only did I 'own' the high ground, but that whomever/whatever I was referring to was the "lower ground." I've been looking at that......the places where I presume I am right, or I presume I know more or better....... (with my daughter!) Since I was wrong about my daughter in not seeing her completely, managing to miss a pretty big part of her personality, I have to presume there are other things I've missed in my judgements. So, I'm picking apart my way of analyzing and categorizing things, people, events.............and it's really helping me to be able to have a different perspective. The other bonus is that I feel a different kind of peace. It's turning out, (for me) that all of that judgement carried it's own kind of stress, or pattern of thinking........which when I'm able to let go of it, there is more "space" in my thoughts, more presence, more awareness........without the continuing evaluations, assessments, labeling, categorizing.........the stream of thoughts that go nowhere, are repetitive and often serve no real purpose. There is liberation in it. Without that stream of thinking going on, there is room to see.........to see differently.</p><p></p><p>On Christmas Eve I ran around my new neighborhood delivering my newly baked cookies. One of our neighbors has been a tad unfriendly and even borderline nasty a few times. I was a little scared to go over there, but in the spirit of Christmas, I pushed myself to do it. She was actually friendly and appreciative. I felt good about it. The day after Christmas, she dropped by. I invited her in for more cookies and coffee. She told me so many things about herself, how she lost the love of her life 6 years ago, how her perception of life is that people are unfriendly and she didn't feel welcomed in the neighborhood........ and she'd lived here for 5 years! I was the first person to initiate a kindness. She cried a little relating that to me. I was blown away. When she left I couldn't stop thinking about her. About her story and how sad and lonely she appeared. The tiniest act of kindness meant so much to her because it was so rare. I told my husband, "we are so lucky, this is an ordinary thing for us, kindness, to be seen, to be heard, to be recognized and loved, but to so many, it is not." It was like the young man on Christmas, a tiny act of kindness meant so much to him........... I wouldn't have known him if it weren't for my daughter.........he isn't in my sphere.......like the people your son hangs with........I don't know where I'm going with this, but something inside me is changing about how I have judged others, good Lord, in so many ways......</p><p></p><p>This practice of being in the moment and suspending my relentless thinking mind, is opening me up to be able to see differently. It started with my daughter, but now it's extending out...........expanding........</p><p></p><p>As I write that I realize how much I've judged myself too........relentlessly........and lately I'm letting a lot of that go too. Perhaps as I stop judging myself so harshly, I can then see others more clearly. Having more compassion for myself extends to others too. </p><p></p><p>What is underneath judgment? Why would I presume myself to be superior to another? Or superior to a way of life, a way of thinking, a belief. Some part of this, for me, has to do with acceptance I think. If I accept myself, it becomes easier for me to accept others too. And in that acceptance, the 'other' feels seen. Being seen is very important, how many of us don't feel seen or known, or acknowledged....... those who are homeless, those "fringe" people. The people our kids often hang out with. That woman HLM, who held your hand and asked for $600. I thought the asking is almost rote, but the human touch, the connection is something we all want, we all need. It makes my heart ache, to feel the disconnect that so many must feel.......that woman who held on to your hand, the musician with new strings, the neighbor who feels so unwelcome. No one should have to feel that way.</p><p></p><p>I was thinking today, what if I dropped my judgements about my daughter's lifestyle (still practicing that)........she is surviving, she is managing, she is helping others, she does much I don't understand or even agree with........but is my way intrinsically better because that's what most people do? What if I just accept all of it, which is what I have been attempting to do since August when the warrant went out for her arrest. This is her life , perhaps going back to jail, or not, I don't know. It's odd to be thinking this way........and yet it's opening up many doors for me to peer into and see differently. I am really enjoying it. There are so many layers of judgment.........I pick apart one layer and another one pops up. </p><p></p><p>I was sharing the story of my daughter with my acupuncturist who knows her, she was moved and told me to tell my daughter that she will give her acupuncture treatments for no charge, she felt that my daughter was doing "good work." I'm still taking all of this in.......it's a different perspective for me. I have been judging my daughter for so long, it's taking me time to open up to this. And, it makes me feel a little melancholy that she has always wanted me to be proud of her.........and now I feel that........and I told her that too..........there is a healing taking place for she and I. It goes beyond her present status in the world and has to do with my perceptions of her, my perceptions of a lot of life and my ability/inability to unconditionally accept another.........and for her to be able to show up in the world with all of her exposed, not just the parts I identified and judged, so that she can accept herself and move beyond my lack of approval of her in to her own approval of herself. I think she has waited a long time for my approval.........not that I withheld it, I was just so busy trying to fit her into what I believed she should be, not allowing her to be what she is. </p><p></p><p>I just keep wondering where else in my life I may not have been seeing clearly...........there's a certain excitement about opening my eyes like this..........there is awe in it........</p><p></p><p>There is much here for me to digest and consider. It is a big ball of wax. </p><p></p><p>HLM, that 'hallway' door we talked about is opening now.........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 643328, member: 13542"] You're a gem HLM, thanks for bringing that back to my attention. I've been thinking about judgement lately. Mine. I was listening to a CD by Eckhart Tolle and he was talking about how when we do not accept [I]what is,[/I] we suffer. He gave some examples and made this statement, [I]"being morally superior to reality.[/I]" When we don't participate in parts of reality because we are 'above' it. We don't accept what is. It made me smile initially and then made me think (I love when that happens!) I started to think about myself saying "I took the high ground", or I didn't participate in something because it was beneath me...........and then it occurred to me what judgements those were.... to presume that not only did I 'own' the high ground, but that whomever/whatever I was referring to was the "lower ground." I've been looking at that......the places where I presume I am right, or I presume I know more or better....... (with my daughter!) Since I was wrong about my daughter in not seeing her completely, managing to miss a pretty big part of her personality, I have to presume there are other things I've missed in my judgements. So, I'm picking apart my way of analyzing and categorizing things, people, events.............and it's really helping me to be able to have a different perspective. The other bonus is that I feel a different kind of peace. It's turning out, (for me) that all of that judgement carried it's own kind of stress, or pattern of thinking........which when I'm able to let go of it, there is more "space" in my thoughts, more presence, more awareness........without the continuing evaluations, assessments, labeling, categorizing.........the stream of thoughts that go nowhere, are repetitive and often serve no real purpose. There is liberation in it. Without that stream of thinking going on, there is room to see.........to see differently. On Christmas Eve I ran around my new neighborhood delivering my newly baked cookies. One of our neighbors has been a tad unfriendly and even borderline nasty a few times. I was a little scared to go over there, but in the spirit of Christmas, I pushed myself to do it. She was actually friendly and appreciative. I felt good about it. The day after Christmas, she dropped by. I invited her in for more cookies and coffee. She told me so many things about herself, how she lost the love of her life 6 years ago, how her perception of life is that people are unfriendly and she didn't feel welcomed in the neighborhood........ and she'd lived here for 5 years! I was the first person to initiate a kindness. She cried a little relating that to me. I was blown away. When she left I couldn't stop thinking about her. About her story and how sad and lonely she appeared. The tiniest act of kindness meant so much to her because it was so rare. I told my husband, "we are so lucky, this is an ordinary thing for us, kindness, to be seen, to be heard, to be recognized and loved, but to so many, it is not." It was like the young man on Christmas, a tiny act of kindness meant so much to him........... I wouldn't have known him if it weren't for my daughter.........he isn't in my sphere.......like the people your son hangs with........I don't know where I'm going with this, but something inside me is changing about how I have judged others, good Lord, in so many ways...... This practice of being in the moment and suspending my relentless thinking mind, is opening me up to be able to see differently. It started with my daughter, but now it's extending out...........expanding........ As I write that I realize how much I've judged myself too........relentlessly........and lately I'm letting a lot of that go too. Perhaps as I stop judging myself so harshly, I can then see others more clearly. Having more compassion for myself extends to others too. What is underneath judgment? Why would I presume myself to be superior to another? Or superior to a way of life, a way of thinking, a belief. Some part of this, for me, has to do with acceptance I think. If I accept myself, it becomes easier for me to accept others too. And in that acceptance, the 'other' feels seen. Being seen is very important, how many of us don't feel seen or known, or acknowledged....... those who are homeless, those "fringe" people. The people our kids often hang out with. That woman HLM, who held your hand and asked for $600. I thought the asking is almost rote, but the human touch, the connection is something we all want, we all need. It makes my heart ache, to feel the disconnect that so many must feel.......that woman who held on to your hand, the musician with new strings, the neighbor who feels so unwelcome. No one should have to feel that way. I was thinking today, what if I dropped my judgements about my daughter's lifestyle (still practicing that)........she is surviving, she is managing, she is helping others, she does much I don't understand or even agree with........but is my way intrinsically better because that's what most people do? What if I just accept all of it, which is what I have been attempting to do since August when the warrant went out for her arrest. This is her life , perhaps going back to jail, or not, I don't know. It's odd to be thinking this way........and yet it's opening up many doors for me to peer into and see differently. I am really enjoying it. There are so many layers of judgment.........I pick apart one layer and another one pops up. I was sharing the story of my daughter with my acupuncturist who knows her, she was moved and told me to tell my daughter that she will give her acupuncture treatments for no charge, she felt that my daughter was doing "good work." I'm still taking all of this in.......it's a different perspective for me. I have been judging my daughter for so long, it's taking me time to open up to this. And, it makes me feel a little melancholy that she has always wanted me to be proud of her.........and now I feel that........and I told her that too..........there is a healing taking place for she and I. It goes beyond her present status in the world and has to do with my perceptions of her, my perceptions of a lot of life and my ability/inability to unconditionally accept another.........and for her to be able to show up in the world with all of her exposed, not just the parts I identified and judged, so that she can accept herself and move beyond my lack of approval of her in to her own approval of herself. I think she has waited a long time for my approval.........not that I withheld it, I was just so busy trying to fit her into what I believed she should be, not allowing her to be what she is. I just keep wondering where else in my life I may not have been seeing clearly...........there's a certain excitement about opening my eyes like this..........there is awe in it........ There is much here for me to digest and consider. It is a big ball of wax. HLM, that 'hallway' door we talked about is opening now......... [/QUOTE]
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