todays update on difficult child/phosph/placement

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Steely, Aug 27, 2008.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I started a new post just cuz the other one was getting so long I figured no one wanted to plow through all those posts to get to my update. Thank you all SO much for all of the support.............I have NO idea what I would do without you all.

    You are all correct that I can never again have difficult child here. Which breaks every piece of my heart. Rips me to shreds. But I know what needs to be done. I do not think pressing charges will be needed if I tell phosph he cannot come back home. I don't think.

    For now, I have to work on finding the right type of residential placement for him, since apparently the phosph does little of that. Yea for their stellar helpfulness.........not.

    I got in a big argument with the social worker today because she told me I had to see matt every morning and participate in all the parent meetings every day or he could not stay at the phosph. I tried to explain how unhealthy this was for me and him right now - and I needed space - but she said those were the rules for "family involvement" and that I needed to learn how to have a healthy relationship with him. I almost hit her. I HATE hospital!!!!!:mad: They make me mad!!!!!
    (But that is my personal little hang up.)
    I told her I could teach their stupid parent classes, (which I could). They are remedial and stupid. I am sure that won me brownie points.

    So apparently tomorrow I am going to have to go meet with Matt and steel myself against his crazymaking. I told him on the phone tonight that I will leave if he even mentions one whiney complaint about "when he is coming home?", or "is he going to Residential Treatment Center (RTC)?". The ding dong social worker said she would help with that, but they won't. I know this drill.

    You know, I don't mean to sound pompous, but seriously most of these counselors and social workers strike me as less informed and on the ball about these kids than myself. Maybe they are just not used to kids like ours. I don't know.

    Anyway. Work is actually going really well, for 3 days, which is a blessing. My friend and I are going to hang out Friday night and she is gonna help me research placement for Matt, and I am gonna help her make brownies for the soldiers that are deploying for Afghanstan. Her husband is one of them.

    If I can only get through telling Matt he can't home, I might be on the home stretch.

    And thanks for asking about my physical well being. He hit me so hard I think I have whip lash because I fell when he hit me. My entire back hurts, but I think I will be OK.

    God I hope I can find the right placement for him. Really these hospital are so useless when it comes to coming up with a plan for our kids. They just want to stabilize him, and then leave the rest to the parent. Grand.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry if I over stepped my bounds but when I am in a situation such as yours, I want to be armed. I actually found the most help from county mental health believe it or not.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Two thoughts on this. First, it's not that he can never come back. One day he may be welcome to have dinner in your home, and you may have a healthy relationship with him as an adult child. He just can't come back now as a dependent. And given his age, it seems reasonable that he is going to be living independent of you a few months before he is 18. That also means that he gets to make more decisions and live with the consequences.

    I would not mince words with these people. It's not M that needs to hear that he's not coming home. It's them. You need to look them straight in the eye and say "I am not participating in family involvement because M isn't coming home. I don't know where he is going, but he's not coming home." They may force your hand about pressing charges, but until they know that you will not be swayed, they will not look for any placement other than your home. At the very least, you should file a police report. They will decide whether to press charges, if you are on the fence. But you need documentation of this.

    My personal opinion is that you should press charges and get a restraining order. This will be a clear statement of where M is not going from there.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I don't need to add anything to what Witz said.

    About your back etc - if you had had just a fall, you would be sore and stiff. But you describe yourself as "forty something" - as we get older, we don't bounce like we used to. My last fall was when I was forty something, it took me several months of panelbeating to get me back into shape. And that was just a fall! You took a king hit on top of it, which meant you didn't have the same degree of control in how and where you landed. That has to increase the damage the fall has done.

    Even if you've got nothing more than bruises, simply falling like that causes muscles to spasm here, get bruised there, bones to grind here, compress there - the whole effect is to cause considerable pain (including soft tissue damage, muscle spasms, bruising to bones and muscle). It takes time to recover. I had a darn good chiropractor as well as massage therapist working on me for several months, I was still in pain long after the bruises faded.

    And that's just the physical side of it.

    Stand your ground. You need your own therapy to get over the damage this has caused. During that time, you need to feel safe in your own home. And if that needs you to press charges in order to convince people how serious this was, then so be it.

    The social workers and other staff at the hospital have difficult child as their prime concern. They have to do whatever they can, to ensure the best outcome for him.To their mind, that means giving him every chance to rehabilitate. They haven't been through what you have with him.

    He IS 17, will probably be 18 before your body has recovered. "Never" is a long time, but from here I think you can safely say, that he won't be back home while still a child.

    Once the message has been rammed home, then their efforts can perhaps be more efficiently spent in finding out of home placements for him.

    Be gentle to yourself. And a tip from the doctor who treated me after my fall - use hot packs on your sore muscles. A quick, easy hot pack can be made by wetting a hand towel, wringing it out, folding it neatly, putting inside one of those crinkly plastic disposable shopping bags (like freezer bag plastic) and microwaving it on HIGH until it's hot. Don't overdo it or overheat it, and be careful to not burn yourself, but (leaving it in the plastic bag) use the hot towel as you would use a hot water bottle. When it cools, microwave it again (not as long, if it's still warm).

    I've found it to be the fastest way to get some good heat applied.

    Once you no longer need the hot pack, just throw the towel in the wash as usual.

  6. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Witz said it all. Sound advice.

    I just wanted to offer support.
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi Steely! Just wanted to pop in and let you know that we all care! ;)

    Have fun on Friday and (if you're having a few) have one on me! (Since I can't!)!

  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member more thing I wanted to say that I forgot to say. I that is an odd thing to happen to I so understand how you feel about the dumb social workers at the hospital. I dont want to disparage all social workers but I cant say I have ever met any that had enough sense to fill a bucket. Im sure there are a few good ones.

    When Cory went inpatient the first time at 13 I knew we only had a few short days to get everything sorted out. I didnt want to waste time on piddly junk. We got this social worker for "family group" who wanted to sit down with us and discuss our feelings on how we felt about him getting this diagnosis of bipolar. I just didnt want to waste that time. Personally I didnt give one iota what they wanted to call it, lets talk about how to put plans in place to get him services to help him either in residential, day treatment or intensive community services. Oh no, that upset her greatly! I must be some kind of monster mother to not have feelings. She actually turned, looked at Cory and asked him how it felt to have a mother who didnt love him! Then she told Tony that he should dump me and raise Cory as a single Dad. LOL....he told her she was crazy as a loon. I was the one that beat the bushes looking for any and all services out there for him and if anyone knew what it was like to be bipolar, it was me. That I knew more about mental health issues that she did so she could just back off.

    I dont think we got much out of that stay but some medications.
  9. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    You sound much better today. I am so glad you are going to hang out with your friend on Friday, you so need that.

    I hate hospitals too!!! We know more than them on a bad day. They read out of a textbook, we live in the real world. As if we haven't tried everything under the sun already. On paper, sure it looks great but in real life it never works out the way it is supposed to. And let's not forget they have no emotional ties to these kids, it is much harder to deal with your own child, whom you love, than a patient. Anyway, I do believe he is where he needs to be for now. Both you and him need this break from one another.

    Good luck with your research. I hope you find something soon for your son. Have fun baking the brownies.

    Keep us posted. You are in my thoughts. :)
  10. Just wanted to give hugs and support.

  11. ML

    ML Guest

    Hey Steely, I just wanted to add my support. I think you're doing the right thing. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. What a difficult year. Gentle hugs, Michele
  12. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    Really these hospital are so useless when it comes to coming up with a plan for our kids. They just want to stabilize him, and then leave the rest to the parent

    amen to that, something needs to change!

    Hug upon hug upon hug, I did not see your original post until today. Know I am here and praying for you.
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No advice, just hugs and more prayers.
  14. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    Just letting you know I am thinking of you...and all that you are going through--stay strong--
  15. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    Might try contacting CPS to see if they can help with placement. Not sure because of his age. Most of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s in the area have waiting lists and are very expensive. Insurance pays little to nothing for this type of service.

  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry all this happened. I have been dealing with stuff, but you have been in my thoughts.

    I do have one idea/thought re: mandatory meetings. Why not tell them biodad will do the therapy?? Isn't HE required to be there?

    I also know that these are "mandatory" but I ALSO know that in the admissions we had with Wiz we were usually one of the 3% or fewer families where we actually did show up for their therapy.

    I hope the pain/problems from the assault go away. Can your doctor call in some muscle relaxers?
  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I like the idea that M's dad goes.

    About the hand towels in the microwave? Try about 1 minute to start. Go up in 15 second increments from there until you get it right.
  18. Sending my hugs, prayers and thoughts!!
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree with-Witz. Great advice. I can't add much else except support.

    Sheesh, Janet, I would have throttled that social wkr. Aarrg! I would have reported her for incomptence.
    I totally agree that it doesn't matter what you call these dxs. What matters is to put a plan in place to do something about it.

    Hang tight, Steely.