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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 714683" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Wow, that's an intense story about your ex and his accident. I can see how that would give you a bit of a scare about detaching! However, your ex was heading down that path with his addictions, unfortunately not one of us has the power to save another, no matter who they are. AND, it wasn't your fault, you didn't cause it and you couldn't have prevented it. It was the destiny HE chose.</p><p></p><p>I had to face my daughters possible death as a result of her lifestyle choices.....it was pretty crummy to even go there.....but the truth is that she has chosen a lifestyle that has built in dangers.....and after many years of doing everything possible to 'save' her, letting my codependency rip, so to speak, I finally realized, nothing, nothing I could do would save her from herself. I still have times of worry, but nothing like the profound fear of her demise that I had before. As I got healthier and better at boundaries, and better at taking care of myself....I learned to accept what I can't change. I don't like it, but I accept it. If anything happens to her, of course I would be devastated, but I believe I would know in my heart it had nothing to do with my detachment.......and I would believe there was nothing else I could have done. In the final analysis, it's all about acceptance. Accepting that we cannot control anyone or anything.....it is what it is. As Eckhart Tolle is fond of saying, "when you argue with reality, you suffer." I did my share of arguing, I did my share of suffering.</p><p></p><p>Yes the tears......I see that as a very positive sign. Like you I held in my tears too.....too scary to show them as a kid.......but when those gates opened, they came flowing freely.....now I look back on that and see that those tears melted the hard core of grief within me. And as the grief subsided, I could see more clearly. I was then available for real change.</p><p></p><p>You sound ready to let go More2Life.....for what it's worth, I believe we have to "fall apart" so we can put ourselves back together in the way that we want and need to and the way that is healthy and kind. Generally we are so afraid to 'fall apart', the usual stance is "once I start to cry, I will never stop" .......or "I have to hold it together or everything will fall apart." My experience is the exact opposite of that......as I began to let go and cry and let it out, I began feeling calm, open, receptive, accepting, ready.......the tears cleared the way......</p><p></p><p>Good for you for allowing the feelings. And good for you for detaching from your ex. You know the drill. Unfortunately, detaching from our children is more difficult, the principals are the same, but our own mothering instincts and our mother love often keep us stuck trying and trying and trying to save them. It was without question, the most difficult thing I have ever done....but More2Life, <em>I did it.....it's doable......you can do it. </em></p><p></p><p>You're not alone, we're here with you. One step at a time.....sending you a big hug.....hang in there......it's going to get better......you're right there on that precipice.....ready.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 714683, member: 13542"] Wow, that's an intense story about your ex and his accident. I can see how that would give you a bit of a scare about detaching! However, your ex was heading down that path with his addictions, unfortunately not one of us has the power to save another, no matter who they are. AND, it wasn't your fault, you didn't cause it and you couldn't have prevented it. It was the destiny HE chose. I had to face my daughters possible death as a result of her lifestyle choices.....it was pretty crummy to even go there.....but the truth is that she has chosen a lifestyle that has built in dangers.....and after many years of doing everything possible to 'save' her, letting my codependency rip, so to speak, I finally realized, nothing, nothing I could do would save her from herself. I still have times of worry, but nothing like the profound fear of her demise that I had before. As I got healthier and better at boundaries, and better at taking care of myself....I learned to accept what I can't change. I don't like it, but I accept it. If anything happens to her, of course I would be devastated, but I believe I would know in my heart it had nothing to do with my detachment.......and I would believe there was nothing else I could have done. In the final analysis, it's all about acceptance. Accepting that we cannot control anyone or anything.....it is what it is. As Eckhart Tolle is fond of saying, "when you argue with reality, you suffer." I did my share of arguing, I did my share of suffering. Yes the tears......I see that as a very positive sign. Like you I held in my tears too.....too scary to show them as a kid.......but when those gates opened, they came flowing freely.....now I look back on that and see that those tears melted the hard core of grief within me. And as the grief subsided, I could see more clearly. I was then available for real change. You sound ready to let go More2Life.....for what it's worth, I believe we have to "fall apart" so we can put ourselves back together in the way that we want and need to and the way that is healthy and kind. Generally we are so afraid to 'fall apart', the usual stance is "once I start to cry, I will never stop" .......or "I have to hold it together or everything will fall apart." My experience is the exact opposite of that......as I began to let go and cry and let it out, I began feeling calm, open, receptive, accepting, ready.......the tears cleared the way...... Good for you for allowing the feelings. And good for you for detaching from your ex. You know the drill. Unfortunately, detaching from our children is more difficult, the principals are the same, but our own mothering instincts and our mother love often keep us stuck trying and trying and trying to save them. It was without question, the most difficult thing I have ever done....but More2Life, [I]I did it.....it's doable......you can do it. [/I] You're not alone, we're here with you. One step at a time.....sending you a big hug.....hang in there......it's going to get better......you're right there on that precipice.....ready. [/QUOTE]
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