took difficult child into town for first time. so hurt

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Oct 23, 2010.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    HI :)

    I wake up each day and say today will be better. Yet ea. day isn't really getting much better. sorry pitty party. yet gotta call it for what it is. weight on her is huge, very very happy about that. yet now she's regressed again, probably due to doctor's pushing solids the other day to her.

    So, today i said ok we're headed into town. homecoming parade easy child was in it, and football game. carnival in town. I timed it, figured short walk thru town, petting zoo, ice cream, and she did sand art and got face painted.

    Than back to truck to sit, she begged to go on rides yet she can't. than i thought we'd drive to football game sit in bleachers etc.

    So, it began with us walking slow her speed isnt' up there, she doesn't look well. parents from the school saw us. instead of saying hi as we walked by they stared, with blank looks. I told difficult child dont' worry about it.

    than we go to the game. she is wiped at that point. i said ok we'll sit for a few than go home to rest. kids from her school along with-more charming parents see us. the pointing begins, the laughing, the stares. I couldn't bare it and i'm 40!!!

    difficult child took one look at me and said mom i wanna go. her skin was crawling. you know me i did the it's your town too b.s. yet at end of day i'm terribly hurt. I had a gut feeling i knew this would happen.

    she never had alot of friends here, neither do i. it's my husband's ex's town and she let that be known 4 years ago when i moved in. pretty much killed any chance i had of making a friend by bad mouthing me to everyone. Very Very small town by the way.

    and to boot my husbands' ex sees difficult child and walks right by her, meanwhile i'm waving to ex's stepdaugther. WTF. she's a true piece of you know what.

    difficult child was upset, i calmed her we went home. yet me i'm crushed. i had a feeling this would happen here when i went back out with-her. and i was right.

    people here disappoint greatly. truly sickening. i told husband if this keeps up i want to move. difficult child isn't attending this school anymore, easy child is graduating in june. nothing is holding us here. i've always hated this town anyway
  2. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I'm so sorry, I felt your hurt when I read this. I don't understand how people can be so cruel. I hope the rest of your day goes okay, you are going through such a rough time.
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks. yea it hurt, me probably more than her. i redirected her mind and pumped her up with this is your town too. yet entire time i was melting at what was happening around us. i think i'm hurt more because i get the level of how sick what they did is, how hard this will be on her long term with-this town, and how the odds are we'll be moving yet again unless it just goes away with the second trip out. just dont know when we'll be ready for that
  4. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Jen, I'm so sorry.

    I hate to say this, but we kept M sheltered during the worst of her eating disorder until her stamina was better and she had gained some weight back. I didn't want to subject her to teasing and people who didn't understand what she was facing.

    If things don't improve more, I think you need to get a psychiatrist on board to get higher medication doses to target her anxiety and distorted thinking around food. You are doing a great job with her, but things are not going to change tremendously without more medication help, in my humble opinion.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I can't get a pyschiatrist that's why i haven't changed the medication. that wont' help with the jerks in town though. and she has gained 6 lbs. now. she has been sheltered for two months now. she isn't so thin that ppl should laugh at her. she even had sweatpants and huge sweatshirt on. these ppl here just sux, they always did. i've always loathed this town. seriously though it's how this town is. very upper middle class, small small town. why we are here I don't know lol. here we are renting a house. we don't own are not part of that crowd. the mom's are snobs here and kids are same.

    and what did you do when you brought her back out again? see thing is difficult child never truly fit in here anyway, her anxiety was always too high. only made a few friends and couldn't maintain friendships anxiety too high to join anything etc.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    and the few friends she did make were very similar to her, one has asperger's another alot of issues undiagnosed parents ignored. than her and them all got made fun of by the "cool" kids in school. yet even those friendships with-similar kids broke down. dr. said hasnt' she seen her friends while going thru this to have her own support? my answer, what friends? she doesnt' have any. I'm her friend. at least in her mind.
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Jen, we live in a very small town, but when difficult child was and did the worst, there were people who understood and went out of their way to reach out and at least smile or say hello if they couldn't find the words to support a young girl, her family and their troubles. Ugh, I grew up on Long Island and I know it's not everywhere you meet, but I hate it there. I'd never move back - you couldn't pay me.

    I am totally with you on moving. Start looking now so when easy child graduates, you can make the move. Sometimes geographical changes can make the difference - not always, but sometimes.

    That said, on the other side of the coin, maybe it's just a matter of timing. Maybe it was too soon, too much and in place that was just too exposed. You tried, hey, I would have tried too, but don't beat yourself up over it. Hopefully it will be easier next time, difficult child will be stronger and so will you. Maybe next time, you will be the one to say hello first to make them feel uncomfortable - wouldn't that be a nice feeling? Maybe next time, it will be a smaller, shorter outing without large crowds.

    Big hugs - screw those people. They mean nothing. Long Island - pichtewy - I spit on them. Love you - you're such a great mom and this is just a small bump in the road to difficult child's recovery.
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    jo i've been reading your posts and just realized it's you. lol. read that bottom piece. lately been soaking up all the advice i can and barely reading the signature at bottom lol.

    long island's rough it is. thing is dr. said take walks thru town. what town?? lol another one? i did smile and say hello. tha'Tourette's Syndrome the insane thing and still the looks. why shouldnt' she be able to benefit from petting a few smelly goats and chickens at the thing and walking around with-her face in the sun? you know?? i could see a mos. ago even when it first hit not doing this. yet we are 6 lbs. up, into soups now. i know that' not great but better than we were a mos ago or even two.

    tmrw husband wants us to go to his football game he coaches, i'm nervous to. his ex will be there their son plays in it, she's a witch and althouhg i'm not physical she's been needing a beat down for past 4 years and if she says one crooked word i may just pop. difficult child wanted to go also yet i just dont' know.

    things is like i said she never fit in here and i tried oh i tried i called mom's for playdates, than she'd go and never get called back again sort of thing. i think friends are a huge part of life. she just doesn't have any
  9. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Ug, I hate those kind of towns. Thought they only really existed on TV and in the movies, but wow. I'd be ready to book it on out of there myself. We're in a small town but I'm grateful it's a lot different than most small towns, rich or poor.
  10. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    I am sorry people are not more understanding.

    My daughter has mostly lost touch with her friends in her illness. I think we need to focus on getting them better and then they will be able to find friends.

    I agree with Smallworld about targeting her anxiety. If she were my child, I would find a therapist who would do exposures with her over eating things that she thought might make her choke as well as work on medications to bring the anxiety down. When we took my daughter to the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) treatment center, we had an initial appointment with the therapist and then the exposures were done by an intern who was working on his PhD. My daughter did exposures for 3 hours 3 times a week. Although it was uncomfortable for her, the intern developed a good relationship with her and could get her to do things I could not. He was used to getting people to do things they were afraid to do.
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member

    that's great and i'm glad to hear it worked.

    again i cant' find a psychiatrist. i keep saying that and everyone keeps saying change the medications. my psychdoc went awol on us as soon as she was put into hospital. he has alot of my docs on difficult child also past diagnosis's. tried calling several times no call back.

    and therapy place called bk and said her needs are too intensive go to day hospital. call day hospital they say they cant' take her with-o eating solids.

    i'm ok with-doing food from here on my own. its hard yet we're slowly getting there.

    i'm just ****** at ppl and their ignorance level. friends are hard for our children that i know and i'm so sorry to hear yours lost hers also. it's so hard on them. i just had hoped the reception of kids at town would be diff. we knew we had to cross the bridge. yet in all honesty these kids have always treated her this way, it really wasnt' much different. point stare, laugh. that's their MO.
  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    and it isnt' so much understanding as it is being polite. it's simple polite, cordial, normal dare i say normal? we're talking adults that did the same thing. yet i wonder why the kids here are that way lol. funny. they learn it at home, that's why.

    and i'd love to change her medications out. im just too nervous to do it alone /just her peds at this point. seroquel gives her a pot belly. so shes' totally thin and than again the seroquel belly has returned. i have tons of calls out and no calls back yet on one. its' totally insane.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I had to read your post twice.
    Are we talking about adults here, pointing and laughing at a sick kid???? Sounds like a bunch of horrible people living there, yet I know that in a small town you can be ostracized. I live in one. God help me, I feel awful for you and your poor daughter. I don't understand people like that and it just makes me sick :<
  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry. Sounds horrible. People like that drive me nuts! Hugs to you both!
  15. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I also live in a small town. In the past I've had bad things said about me too. But a couple of things I realised:

    1) No person is 100% popular. There is always someone who doesn't like them. Similarly, there is always someone who doesn't like you. Conversely, that means there is always someone else out there who would happily be your friend, if they got the chance to get to know you.

    2) the person who has gossiped about me and said bad things in the past - they also have people who don't like them. Therefore there are people out there, even in a small village, who will be suspicious of what is said and automatically distrust it. These people may not seek you out but they are there.

    3) From my experience - it does pass. I maintained a dignified silence and found different circles in which to move. When the nastiness intruded into the circles in which I moved, I refused to engage it. Or when I had to, I confronted it head on calmly, politely but firmly. "Please tell me - is there something I have done personally to you? If there is, please discuss it with me. If there is not, I would like this opportunity to clear the air between us."

    There are still gossips in this town. There is still one of my former stalkers in this town and if my profile gets high enough for whatever reason, he will possibly begin the attack again. Although he knows that given the slightest reason, I will begin legal proceedings. Last time I threatened that, he backed off. Without being unpleasant about it, I did make it clear that I am nobody's doormat and I WILL walk up to people and sort out problems, if I feel they are worth my time.

    About moving - you said you have no ties anyway. If that really is the case for all of you, then a move shouldn't do any harm. As long as it is a move TO somewhere, and not merely AWAY. Never run away, it sends a bad message to both the bullies, and your children (who need to learn that running away is not the solution).

    The best revenge of all is to outlive/outlast your enemies. Success. That is the best revenge of all.

    I'm sorry you had such an unpleasant experience. You may have seen more than there really was (in terms of your interpretation of people's responses). Or it may have been that bad - but you can teach yourself to not 'read' such unpleasant messages. It's like throwing away unwanted mail, unopened. it takes mental discipline but it is also very liberating. it also confuses the HECK out of your enemies!

  16. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    Jena, I like Marg's advice about maintaining a dignified silence. I always try to maintain my dignity even if I feel like a total putz! I Regarding those stares and pointing -- as you know, there is a paucity in our culture about showing kindness and acceptance and generosity towards those who are different.

    I always tell my difficult child's that people who act like that didn't get good training from their parents on how to act. They seemed to understand this even though it sounds kind of priggish.

    Jena (((huggs))) You've got some good advice here, just adding my 2cents.

  17. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi guys and thanks.


    I am highly sensitive person as she is. i'm working thru it slowly now. I don't know why I am shocked the kids always treated her that way. The kids here are rough. husband and i were talking about it for mos. how hard they are very clickish here. kids that are 11 wearing uggs. to me that's just insane, sorry. i'm a simpleton, we all have cells and even that kills me.

    I dont' want to run away either, yet it really isnt' bullying this time around. It's them being them. easy child has lucked out and made a ton of friends here the past 4 years yet difficult child hasn't. She tried to befriend one girl, and we had a sleepover and the girl caught that difficult child was wearing a pull up and she made fun of her and than told the kids in school.

    husband is open to whatever i want to do. finances are tight right now so it can't happen tmrw. i didnt' want to move i thought stability would be good for her, this block, etc. yet none of that worked. when i ask her what she likes about here she has nothing to say at all. she says i hate it here because of the kids their so mean.
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2010
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If a place is a bad fit for you...I say move. We moved from the Chicago burbs to small town Wisconsin because we didn't care for the personality of the entire suburb scene. We are fortunately very happy where we are. There's a big country here and in my opinion if you don't like one place you are free to move to another. Could be a much better fit.
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry, Jena.
    That is so nasty.
    I know what you mean by not fitting in.
    Even moving from my old neighborhood to our "new" neighborhood, 3 mi away, changed my life. So strange that neighborhoods and people are like that.
    I've done many internet searches on neighborhoods and it is very enlightening. You can pick a spot anywhere in the US, type in the average price of a house, average income, how many schools, etc, or you can match it to your current neighborhood (not that you'd want to) and up pops a list of places all over that you can just slide into.
    My husband and I drove through an area in our state a few mo's ago, and were surprised that it was not at all what we were looking for. Way too rural. So even when you find what you're looking for online, you have to check it out in person.
    Meanwhile, once it gets chilly, maybe a jacket would cover up your difficult child's apparent thinness, and idiots won't be so rude. And walk on another side of town. Wish I could help with-the psychiatric and medication issue.

    I'm so happy that difficult child gained 6 lbs!
  20. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am so sorry Jena! Running away is not always bad - you would actually just be walking away from a place that is too stressful to deal with. I do understand the "This is my town too - I have every right to do whatever/whenever just like everyone else!" but is the frustration worth the day in and day out feeling that others are being rude?

    When you look at homes in new neighborhoods, feel free to ask a neighbor how the people in the neighborhood get along. I have had a few people looking at homes near by ask me why the house is for sale and what the neighborhood is like.

    I live in an awesome neighborhood - everyone gets along well - some borrowing of items goes on (do you have sunburn lotion? A cup of milk? Syrup? A wrench? My kid is sick, would you have some OTC medicine to help with the headache or fever? ect.) when it is bad weather or very late at night or we just don't want to go across town to get one item - kids play well together - it is a quiet neighborhood - people pick up after their dogs - the perfect balance of friendship without getting too personal or interferring in each other's lives - we are neighbors, not best friends if you know what I mean -

    A great neighborhood really is important to the health of your kids. difficult child is feeling the rudeness just as you are and it is affecting her self image on worthiness and being able to heal.

    I vote on looking for a happier neighborhood/small town though I know that is a lot harder said than done. I wish you could come to my home town - there is a home for sale three doors down - you would love the neighborhood.