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Substance Abuse
Took my difficult child to the police station tonight
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 376183" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Just read your earlier thread. This was a good way to handle all of that. I don't know if removing car/cell is a good idea. If he is willing to get a job to pay for them, don't yank them. An uncle of mine let his daughter have her car/cell no matter what because with-o them she would go places with friends and he was well aware that she might not be able to get home and the friends might leave her there if it wasn't convenient to find/wait for her. the cell was hers as long as she called him right back immediately if she couldn't answer her phone fast enough. If she was going to be somewhere too loud to hear the phone it had to be on vibrate and somewhere that she could feel it if he called. Then she had to go right away to somewhere quieter and call him back. </p><p> </p><p>His ex was nuts (term the psychiatrists used for her) and it was the only way he could have some assurances she was safe and wouldn't run. I don't think your difficult child is used to the things my cousin was (out until midnight on school nights, 2 am on weekends at age 12 as long as mom was with her, etc... Not uncles choices, but he couldn't stop it either), so it may or may not be good to take the cell. The car? Sure. If he is going places he isn't allowed and are unsafe, then he needs to not have it, but he will walk or get friends to take him places. Riding the bus to school is fine, unless it becomes a war over that and he refuses to go to school at all.</p><p> </p><p>I would get him a BIG thing of condoma and make him talk to you about it. Even if hte girl cannot get pregnant he can, and will, get an STD. In fact I would drag him to the doctor for a checkup and bring this up in front of the doctor. Then you can tell him my story. I was told at age 19 that it was 99.7% impossible for me to get preg or carry a child to term. husband and I married much sooner than planned because I found out at 16 weeks that I was pregnant. We planned to marry later and adopt kids. I have gotten preg 2 months after starting to take the pill twice and the docs think that it took that low dose of BC to get the right hormonal level. The third time I was not on the pill. EACH pregnancy was conceived while using at least one form of bc other than the pill. </p><p> </p><p>The pill is a very low dose of hormones and for more women than anyone admits it is that hormone boost that allows them to get pregnant easily. He needs to be using a condom anyway because no matter what she says about past partners he is running a risk of infection and so is she. NEVER should he trust that he is the first or that anyone is "clean" until he is in a long term committed relationship that is monogamous. He needs to be in the relationship more than a few months before he can assume it is "long term". </p><p> </p><p>If he or she is irritated or allergic to latex they do make condoms out of urethane - they look and work just the same but do not provide the latex problems. They should be used with a spermicide, of course.</p><p> </p><p>Unless he WANTS to have a child and be tied to this girl and her family for the rest of his life, or cut his life short with Aids or imagine having to tell the woman he eventually wants to spend his life with that he has herpes and if they decide to be intimate then she will most likely get it also - and every child they have will have to be treated immediately because if theytravel through the birth canal and are not treated it can get into their eyes and blind them. </p><p> </p><p>Then give him an idea of how much diapers and formula costs. Look it up online with him, it takes about one large size pack of diapers each week if not more. Add in wipes, clothes, laundry, special laundry soap, baby wash, baby shampoo, etc...</p><p> </p><p>At his age you really cannot stop him from having sex, regardless of what you do. It is his choice alone. Back when you were 17 was it a choice someone could have made for you and your friends?? </p><p> </p><p>What you CAN do is once again provide him with the info he needs to make an informed decision. He needs to be very aware that it is very very unlikely that a doctor has told this girl she cannot get pregnant, and that he is correct if he did tell her that. If the girl is on the pill she has to take it at exactly the same time every single day. IF she is even an hour late it can result in pregnancy. If she is on other medications, not just antibiotics, it can make the pill less effective or ineffective.</p><p> </p><p>Then you need to tell him what you will do if his girlfriend is pregnant. Can he live at home? Will you still help him with college costs. Can she live with you? What will you expect of him if that happens? What if they break up? How much child support will he be expected to pay? (you can probably find child support calculators by googling, be sure to include your state)</p><p> </p><p>He isn't going to want to think of all of this. Who does? But if he is old enough to make this choice he is old enough to pay the piper.</p><p> </p><p>Make SURE to let him know if he will have to pay the bill for the doctor and any treatment if he gets an std (which seems pretty likely if this girl's mom doesn't care who she has sex with - seems, in my semi-oldfashioned mind like she probably has had at least a couple of partners, which increases the likelihood of stds for all her partners, also seems likely that she has had several partners if she was unconcerned when her mom saw her in bed with your son - you don't get that casula about it if it hasn't happened a few times. Or that is my take on it.). My kids are told when they get "The Talk" (as they call it) that if they have sex as a minor and do NOT use condoms or if they get tattoos as a minor then they will pay ALL the doctor bill and ALL of the cost of any tests/treatments out of their money or I will make them work off the debt at $5 per hour but only if I feel I have gotten a good hour's worth of work out of them. If I say it is a three hour job and it takes them six, unless I made a bad estimate they will get paid for 3 hours IF the job is done properly. If they choose not to finish it I will take every red cent they have/get from anyone and anyoccasion until the bill is paid. </p><p> </p><p>Wiz tested me. I let him off easy by running the office visit through the insurance and having him only pay the copay. He was saving up for something and planned to get it when we went to the store after the visit. He about lost his teeth when I handed him the forms and told him to go pay at the window. I told him if he gave me any grief it would be about $120 instead of the $20 copay. He could see by my face that I would embarrass him by speaking loudly enough that everyone in the waiting area would hear what I said if he balked. </p><p> </p><p>Whatever you decide, make SURE that your son can tell by the tone of voice and look on your face that you will carry out every single thing you said if it needs to happen.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 376183, member: 1233"] Just read your earlier thread. This was a good way to handle all of that. I don't know if removing car/cell is a good idea. If he is willing to get a job to pay for them, don't yank them. An uncle of mine let his daughter have her car/cell no matter what because with-o them she would go places with friends and he was well aware that she might not be able to get home and the friends might leave her there if it wasn't convenient to find/wait for her. the cell was hers as long as she called him right back immediately if she couldn't answer her phone fast enough. If she was going to be somewhere too loud to hear the phone it had to be on vibrate and somewhere that she could feel it if he called. Then she had to go right away to somewhere quieter and call him back. His ex was nuts (term the psychiatrists used for her) and it was the only way he could have some assurances she was safe and wouldn't run. I don't think your difficult child is used to the things my cousin was (out until midnight on school nights, 2 am on weekends at age 12 as long as mom was with her, etc... Not uncles choices, but he couldn't stop it either), so it may or may not be good to take the cell. The car? Sure. If he is going places he isn't allowed and are unsafe, then he needs to not have it, but he will walk or get friends to take him places. Riding the bus to school is fine, unless it becomes a war over that and he refuses to go to school at all. I would get him a BIG thing of condoma and make him talk to you about it. Even if hte girl cannot get pregnant he can, and will, get an STD. In fact I would drag him to the doctor for a checkup and bring this up in front of the doctor. Then you can tell him my story. I was told at age 19 that it was 99.7% impossible for me to get preg or carry a child to term. husband and I married much sooner than planned because I found out at 16 weeks that I was pregnant. We planned to marry later and adopt kids. I have gotten preg 2 months after starting to take the pill twice and the docs think that it took that low dose of BC to get the right hormonal level. The third time I was not on the pill. EACH pregnancy was conceived while using at least one form of bc other than the pill. The pill is a very low dose of hormones and for more women than anyone admits it is that hormone boost that allows them to get pregnant easily. He needs to be using a condom anyway because no matter what she says about past partners he is running a risk of infection and so is she. NEVER should he trust that he is the first or that anyone is "clean" until he is in a long term committed relationship that is monogamous. He needs to be in the relationship more than a few months before he can assume it is "long term". If he or she is irritated or allergic to latex they do make condoms out of urethane - they look and work just the same but do not provide the latex problems. They should be used with a spermicide, of course. Unless he WANTS to have a child and be tied to this girl and her family for the rest of his life, or cut his life short with Aids or imagine having to tell the woman he eventually wants to spend his life with that he has herpes and if they decide to be intimate then she will most likely get it also - and every child they have will have to be treated immediately because if theytravel through the birth canal and are not treated it can get into their eyes and blind them. Then give him an idea of how much diapers and formula costs. Look it up online with him, it takes about one large size pack of diapers each week if not more. Add in wipes, clothes, laundry, special laundry soap, baby wash, baby shampoo, etc... At his age you really cannot stop him from having sex, regardless of what you do. It is his choice alone. Back when you were 17 was it a choice someone could have made for you and your friends?? What you CAN do is once again provide him with the info he needs to make an informed decision. He needs to be very aware that it is very very unlikely that a doctor has told this girl she cannot get pregnant, and that he is correct if he did tell her that. If the girl is on the pill she has to take it at exactly the same time every single day. IF she is even an hour late it can result in pregnancy. If she is on other medications, not just antibiotics, it can make the pill less effective or ineffective. Then you need to tell him what you will do if his girlfriend is pregnant. Can he live at home? Will you still help him with college costs. Can she live with you? What will you expect of him if that happens? What if they break up? How much child support will he be expected to pay? (you can probably find child support calculators by googling, be sure to include your state) He isn't going to want to think of all of this. Who does? But if he is old enough to make this choice he is old enough to pay the piper. Make SURE to let him know if he will have to pay the bill for the doctor and any treatment if he gets an std (which seems pretty likely if this girl's mom doesn't care who she has sex with - seems, in my semi-oldfashioned mind like she probably has had at least a couple of partners, which increases the likelihood of stds for all her partners, also seems likely that she has had several partners if she was unconcerned when her mom saw her in bed with your son - you don't get that casula about it if it hasn't happened a few times. Or that is my take on it.). My kids are told when they get "The Talk" (as they call it) that if they have sex as a minor and do NOT use condoms or if they get tattoos as a minor then they will pay ALL the doctor bill and ALL of the cost of any tests/treatments out of their money or I will make them work off the debt at $5 per hour but only if I feel I have gotten a good hour's worth of work out of them. If I say it is a three hour job and it takes them six, unless I made a bad estimate they will get paid for 3 hours IF the job is done properly. If they choose not to finish it I will take every red cent they have/get from anyone and anyoccasion until the bill is paid. Wiz tested me. I let him off easy by running the office visit through the insurance and having him only pay the copay. He was saving up for something and planned to get it when we went to the store after the visit. He about lost his teeth when I handed him the forms and told him to go pay at the window. I told him if he gave me any grief it would be about $120 instead of the $20 copay. He could see by my face that I would embarrass him by speaking loudly enough that everyone in the waiting area would hear what I said if he balked. Whatever you decide, make SURE that your son can tell by the tone of voice and look on your face that you will carry out every single thing you said if it needs to happen. [/QUOTE]
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Took my difficult child to the police station tonight
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