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Tough week ahead
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 196507" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>"Indefinitely" doesn't mean "never". I mean, at some point he will have to graduate from wherever they send him. What about when he's 30? Realistically, all that's happened is a shift in thinking from a definite time period, to a placement that is probably longer-term, but with different graduation requirements. This is a GOOD thing - it means that they're no longer thinking just in terms of respite for you, they're thinking in terms of treatment for him.</p><p></p><p>In all your dealings with this over the next week, keep telling yourself that this is for now. The aim now is to treat him, to deal with whatever is wrong (of all the things that have piled on top of each other) and help him learn to manage his condition to the point where he can once again function as a productive member of society.</p><p></p><p>He is close to being a legal adult. He needs to be taught now how to function as an adult - to manage his own life, to hold down a job, to get on with people, to keep himself safe. It is not going to be on anyone's agenda, to put him somewhere permanently, to shut him away from life, from society and from you. It just won't happen. Not without a criminal conviction for something pretty huge.</p><p></p><p>Keep your focus this week on the bare bones of the information. Don't look on it as a series of failures - instead, look on it as a comprehensive list of the scope of your diligence as a parent, to do everything possible for him, to cover as many options as possible in your efforts to get help for him. In all this information there is valuable knowledge that can make life easier now for all people trying to help him, including you. </p><p></p><p>Think about it - if you had done nothing for him all this time, then now is when they would have to begin from the ground up, to try all these things. But you've already been there, you've put in all that spadework. Documenting this so thoroughly means that they can examine it all and have a much better idea of what they can try now, with the best chance of success.</p><p></p><p>When you know what hasn't worked, then you have eliminated a lot of possibilities. If you don't know, if you hadn't kept all those notes, then they would have to try all those things all over again. A lot of time wasted.</p><p></p><p>So keep this in mind as you discuss his history. As you discuss it all, think about how hard you tried this, how long you worked on that. Is there any chance that a slightly different approach to one of those methods could work? Or did it really get tried, so thoroughly that there is absolutely no room for giving it another go? Only you have this information - because you are the one who has done so much hard work.</p><p></p><p>None of your efforts were a waste of time, even if they didn't work. A scientist trying to find a cure for cancer might have a hundred different possibilities to explore. Every time he tries something, it turns out to be a dud. After spending a lifetime working towards a cure for cancer, he's tried maybe 80 of those possibilities, and all of them were no good as cancer cures. But does this mean his life's work was for nothing? Of course not - when he retires, all his efforts (even though they were negative results) are available for others to check. If he kept good records, it doesn't matter if he got no positive results. What it DOES mean - 80 possibilities have been documented and found to not be the answer. Of the original hundred possibilities, only 20 are left. A cure for cancer is now much closer.</p><p></p><p>The message for M has to be similar - "You won't be coming home after 4 months necessarily, as was originally planned. Instead, a placement has been found for you where they can help you work towards a more long-term goal, so you will be able to live independently when you leave, finally able to manage on your own, living productively. We don't know how long it will take - a lot of tat will be up to you. But know this - you won't be tossed out on your ear just because some arbitrary time limit has been reached - we are in this with you for the long haul, however long it takes."</p><p></p><p>Yes, he will be a long way away. It might make it easier for him to realise that now, his future depends on him.</p><p></p><p>It IS a big change for both of you, going from such long-term close contact, to no contact. But at some stage in the future, this will be far behind both of you.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 196507, member: 1991"] "Indefinitely" doesn't mean "never". I mean, at some point he will have to graduate from wherever they send him. What about when he's 30? Realistically, all that's happened is a shift in thinking from a definite time period, to a placement that is probably longer-term, but with different graduation requirements. This is a GOOD thing - it means that they're no longer thinking just in terms of respite for you, they're thinking in terms of treatment for him. In all your dealings with this over the next week, keep telling yourself that this is for now. The aim now is to treat him, to deal with whatever is wrong (of all the things that have piled on top of each other) and help him learn to manage his condition to the point where he can once again function as a productive member of society. He is close to being a legal adult. He needs to be taught now how to function as an adult - to manage his own life, to hold down a job, to get on with people, to keep himself safe. It is not going to be on anyone's agenda, to put him somewhere permanently, to shut him away from life, from society and from you. It just won't happen. Not without a criminal conviction for something pretty huge. Keep your focus this week on the bare bones of the information. Don't look on it as a series of failures - instead, look on it as a comprehensive list of the scope of your diligence as a parent, to do everything possible for him, to cover as many options as possible in your efforts to get help for him. In all this information there is valuable knowledge that can make life easier now for all people trying to help him, including you. Think about it - if you had done nothing for him all this time, then now is when they would have to begin from the ground up, to try all these things. But you've already been there, you've put in all that spadework. Documenting this so thoroughly means that they can examine it all and have a much better idea of what they can try now, with the best chance of success. When you know what hasn't worked, then you have eliminated a lot of possibilities. If you don't know, if you hadn't kept all those notes, then they would have to try all those things all over again. A lot of time wasted. So keep this in mind as you discuss his history. As you discuss it all, think about how hard you tried this, how long you worked on that. Is there any chance that a slightly different approach to one of those methods could work? Or did it really get tried, so thoroughly that there is absolutely no room for giving it another go? Only you have this information - because you are the one who has done so much hard work. None of your efforts were a waste of time, even if they didn't work. A scientist trying to find a cure for cancer might have a hundred different possibilities to explore. Every time he tries something, it turns out to be a dud. After spending a lifetime working towards a cure for cancer, he's tried maybe 80 of those possibilities, and all of them were no good as cancer cures. But does this mean his life's work was for nothing? Of course not - when he retires, all his efforts (even though they were negative results) are available for others to check. If he kept good records, it doesn't matter if he got no positive results. What it DOES mean - 80 possibilities have been documented and found to not be the answer. Of the original hundred possibilities, only 20 are left. A cure for cancer is now much closer. The message for M has to be similar - "You won't be coming home after 4 months necessarily, as was originally planned. Instead, a placement has been found for you where they can help you work towards a more long-term goal, so you will be able to live independently when you leave, finally able to manage on your own, living productively. We don't know how long it will take - a lot of tat will be up to you. But know this - you won't be tossed out on your ear just because some arbitrary time limit has been reached - we are in this with you for the long haul, however long it takes." Yes, he will be a long way away. It might make it easier for him to realise that now, his future depends on him. It IS a big change for both of you, going from such long-term close contact, to no contact. But at some stage in the future, this will be far behind both of you. Marg [/QUOTE]
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