Tragedy

[Merris]

My difficult child tried to kill me on Tuesday night. He put on a mask, gloves, got telephone wire and a filet knife and attacked me when I was asleep. I will never be able to get this out of my mind. He didn't hurt me with the knife and he passed out which is how I got away from him. I think he hyperventilated in the mask.

He went to hospital and is being released this morning. The police and my husband will be in the lobby waiting for him. He called last night and asked me when he could come home. My mommy heart is BLEEDING, he's being charged with 3 felonies. Unlawful restraint, Assault 1st and Assault with a deadly weapon.

I feel like I'm in a movie. He has never, never, never touched me in anger, we did not argue that night - there was nothing wrong. husband had left on a business trip to Dallas that morning. husband is NOT supportive, wants punishment which difficult child will inevitely get. I want a locked down psychiatric hospital, but it's out of my hands.

He admitted that he got high on pot at 6:00 that night and when he went to the hospital they drug tested him and there was no PCP or any other drug that would make him hallucinate.

He's going to go to jail for a very long time. He can never come home for fear that he will snap again. All the psychiatrist are calling it a psychotic break but MY psychiatrist says that's what they call it when they don't know what it is. I am still in disbelief. Was I in denial? I don't know but no one in my family can fathom this.

I just needed to tell someone. Thank you for listening and please say prayers.
We have court at 10am and I don't know how I am going to get through it. He's a minor so as his guardian and the victim, I have to be there.


Thanks for listening.

 

[Coookie]

Oh Merris my friend. :frown:

Sending you many hugs and saying many prayers. It seems that our mommy hearts have a hard time believing that our difficult children are really capable of some of the things they do. Almost as if, when they do these things, we breeze past them to the point where we see them as we want them to be. We make excuses, in our hearts and minds, forgive them quickly and want to protect them...from themselves and everyone else. I am fighting this battle right now inside myself.

We remember when they were little guys, smiles and joy, and just cannot believe, or don't want too believe, that they are what they are now. :frown:

Merris, as hard as it is to take..each choice they make now are their choices, their consequences, but our heartache. I agree with your husband here. If he would have not passed out.. :confused: He is a danger. :frown:

You all will be in my thoughts today, my heart hurts with yours (said as tears are running down my cheeks) and I will pray.

Gentle hugs...

 

[Merris]

Thank you Robby. It's nice to have people who understand. husband is so cold about this but I try to put myself in his position so I can understand his anger. I don't feel anger, I just have fear and confusion.

I just have to go on autopilot in court. I know I will get emotional when I see him, I DO love him and I am afraid for him but this is now the State of Connecticut vs. difficult child.

 

[Coookie]

Merris,

I completely understand your feelings. We have guided them, or tried to, through life and now, because of their actions, it is out of our hands. We can no longer protect them...from themselves. :frown:

I'm sure your husband loves you very much and the thought of what might have happened is probably his strong motivating force...as it should be.

It is out of your hands, not because you chose this whole thing but because it needs to be. :frown:

My biggest struggle is being able to really believe that my difficult child is who he presents himself to be. I have such a conflict inside between who he really is and who I want to believe he is. :confused: Perhaps you share that conflict with me? :frown:

We love them...how could they be this way? :frown:

It is very important that you take care of yourself Merris. Lean on those you trust. My husband would act the same way yours is if this had happened to us. :frown:

Sending gentle hugs.

 

[Wishing]

There had to be some planning as he had to find the telephone wire,went and got a fillet knife and then got himself a mask. Him passing out was God intervening and hopefully
he gets a thorough work-up and is not released for a long while. Thank God you are alive!!!!! I have to wonder what symptoms has he been having that led up to this that was below everyone's radar. I would be in the state of shock for awhile. Hopefully you will be having a very experienced psychologist who will help you sort this out.
Prayers and hugs.

 

[DDD]

OMG, Merris! How very very sorry I am to read your post. I
am sure the multitude of cyber hugs can only help a little bit as you face this nightmare. Sincerely I pray that your
husband or someone is nearby and caring enough to hold you in person.

Please post as many times a day or night as you need to for
understanding and responses. All of us care deeply for you
and want to ease your pain. Your friend, DDD

 

[TYLERFAN]

"My biggest struggle is being able to really believe that my difficult child is who he presents himself to be. I have such a conflict inside between who he really is and who I want to believe he is. Perhaps you share that conflict with me?"

This quote from Robby is soooooooooo true.
Merris:
I am so sorry. Dear God, what was he doing?
/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif
I have no words Merris, except that you will be okay sometime. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow but some day. I know that really doesn't help you now. Just thank the Lord you were able to get away. He needs serious help. I know you still love him. You always will. You just can't live with him in your life now or maybe ever......
I am so sorry.

God Bless You,
Melissa

 

[neajle]

I am so sorry. I can not even imagine how you must be feeling. That is the scarriest thing that I have ever heard of. Yes, he must have planned this, or he would not have all of those things ready. No, do not let him come back home. He needs help. He is a danger to himself and to others.

My heart bleeds for you.

hugs

jean

 

[GoingNorth]

Merris, I cannot, having not been through this, even come close to imagining how you must be feeling.

By me I think that once I got past the fear what I would be feeling would be an incredible grief--the final death of a dream.

You have to be safe and the only way to know this will never happen again is for difficult child to be locked away--its a death of a sort.

Remember that it is okay to grieve and don't forget to be gentle to yourself. This is not due to something you did or did not do. It's an illness that manifested in such a way that your difficult child became dangerous.

Your husband, harsh as it sounds, is right. Locked MH facility might feel better, you might feel like he's getting treatment but in truth these facilities are not different from jails. If prison/jail is what it takes to know you are safe, then so be it.

It is no longer about punishment or treatment; it is now about you being safe--period.

I wish you the best; and don't forget to breathe.

 

[1905]

Oh, I am so, so sorry! ((hugs)). I am glad you are safe, I know what it is like to be afraid of your own child. I feel a horrible sadness as well. It seems unbelievable. Saing prayers for you-Alyssa

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Merris, I am in such shock and disbelief :wildone: My husband would be reacting the same way though. Many of us agree with Robby in wanting to believe our difficult child's are someone else than who they are :frown:

There indeed was thought and planning that went in to this :wildone: Is that right that the drug screen came up with nothing that would hallucinate? What about the mixture of pot and his Rx medications?

Please know we are thinking about you and so very glad that you are safe.

 

[KFld]

I don't have any words that could make you feel better, as I have no idea how you are feeling right now. Just wanted to send along a big cyber hug and let you know you can add me to the list of people here to support you through all of this. I wish you strength in court. Hang on and do what you need to do to get through it. I hope your husband can be supportive of you while you are there. You will need that support to get through it all. I know my husband would be reacting the same way if my difficult child tried to physically hurt me in anyway. He has enough trouble dealing when my difficult child hurts me emotionally.

 

[rejectedmom]

Merris, I have been in your shoes as far as having to play the dual role of the mom and the victim. My son went into a rage just before Christmas last year and attacked me and broke a rib. He too was using pot and possibly other drugs along with his regular medications. I understand your confusion and your pain. Please see a therapist. You might not think you need one but it is important even if only for a couple of times. These kinds of events can impact us later on in very negative ways if we are not debriefed by a professional soon after the assault. Believe me we cannot get through this type of thing without support. Not even the strongest of us. My difficult child's therapist stepped right in to the role of my therapist immediately when i called to tell her what had happened. I credit her with helping me to realize that it was not my fault not even a little bit. She told me to surround myself with "safe" people and to take care of myself.

At first , I was reluctant to tell my friends because after tellin the couple I was closest to they reacted so violently toward what my son had done that I was further tramatized. I became somewhat reclusive for about four months. Over time I have been able to open up and talk about what my son did with my neighbors and friends but it took time. I do still have some minor symptoms of PTSD but am working through them too. I do not think they will be a permanant thing. Like you I do not want my son to live with me again. At first my mommie instincts just kicked in and I was all about advocating for him and worrying about him in prison. Then after that inital chaos settled down, for a long while I was just numb. I truly had no feelings for difficult child. Then the anger set in and I wanted nothing more to do with him. But the mom part of me isn't so sure now. I am currently struggling with figuring out what I am willing to do for him and what I will just leave up to him and the system. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. -RM

 

[ChefPaula1965]

Oh Merris,
I am so sorry for your mommy heart!!!
I am so sorry for your struggle and I wanted to let you know that I am praying for your court date today........... I am praying that justice be done!!!
I am sending a big hug..
I can only imagine how much this hurts.......
we are here to talk!
Hugs
PAula