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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 599601" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome. I am truly sorry you are dealing with two sons who are so disrespectful, rude and entitled. Many here will understand and have been in your shoes. The only thing you can do is to set strong boundaries, stick with them and learn about detachment. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.</p><p></p><p>If I were you I would cancel all insurance, retrieve the cars and refuse to pay for anything. They both have jobs, let them work for what they have. </p><p></p><p>This is a devastation, unlike no other for us parents.........you will need support. You may want to consider therapy, parent groups, 12 step groups, whatever groups fit the profile whether it's alcohol, drugs, whatever works for you and your wife, you've both been dragged through this insane world of entitled kids who fail to launch and blame everyone but themselves for their actions. If you find any further theft, you may want to file a formal complaint with the police and allow natural consequences to reign. If they did this to you, it may happen to someone else who will not be so lenient. They stole. They broke the law. They know what is right and what is wrong, they should not get off so easy, they should have a severe consequence.</p><p></p><p>You may look into formal eviction should either one of them think they can return to your home, so you know you can get them back out again. In some states it requires legal paperwork. You should perhaps look into restraining orders. In the meantime, learn how to stop enabling them, learn how to detach, learn how to take care of you and your wife. Do not allow these boys to hold you hostage in any way. </p><p></p><p>Do not pay off horrible behavior by paying for their cars and their insurance or in fact for anything. You certainly don't owe two, who ran up all that money, anything at all. It is going to be up to you to hold the line and not fall for any of the manipulations that will undoubtedly be thrown at you so you feel guilty and give them what they want. For many of us it really helped to get a good therapist to walk us through this detachment process, we parents don't know how to do it, and in this case, as in many here, detachment is necessary. Your wife getting physically sick is a sign that she needs help to come to terms with all of this in a way that nourishes her and gives her boundaries, tools, understanding, compassion, empathy and the resolve to move forward in a totally different way.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry you had to find us. But I am glad that you did. Keep posting, it helps. You may consider posting in Parent Emeritus, where our kids are older. Having "had it" is a good sign, it means you're ready to make the changes necessary to get your own life back.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 599601, member: 13542"] Welcome. I am truly sorry you are dealing with two sons who are so disrespectful, rude and entitled. Many here will understand and have been in your shoes. The only thing you can do is to set strong boundaries, stick with them and learn about detachment. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. If I were you I would cancel all insurance, retrieve the cars and refuse to pay for anything. They both have jobs, let them work for what they have. This is a devastation, unlike no other for us parents.........you will need support. You may want to consider therapy, parent groups, 12 step groups, whatever groups fit the profile whether it's alcohol, drugs, whatever works for you and your wife, you've both been dragged through this insane world of entitled kids who fail to launch and blame everyone but themselves for their actions. If you find any further theft, you may want to file a formal complaint with the police and allow natural consequences to reign. If they did this to you, it may happen to someone else who will not be so lenient. They stole. They broke the law. They know what is right and what is wrong, they should not get off so easy, they should have a severe consequence. You may look into formal eviction should either one of them think they can return to your home, so you know you can get them back out again. In some states it requires legal paperwork. You should perhaps look into restraining orders. In the meantime, learn how to stop enabling them, learn how to detach, learn how to take care of you and your wife. Do not allow these boys to hold you hostage in any way. Do not pay off horrible behavior by paying for their cars and their insurance or in fact for anything. You certainly don't owe two, who ran up all that money, anything at all. It is going to be up to you to hold the line and not fall for any of the manipulations that will undoubtedly be thrown at you so you feel guilty and give them what they want. For many of us it really helped to get a good therapist to walk us through this detachment process, we parents don't know how to do it, and in this case, as in many here, detachment is necessary. Your wife getting physically sick is a sign that she needs help to come to terms with all of this in a way that nourishes her and gives her boundaries, tools, understanding, compassion, empathy and the resolve to move forward in a totally different way. I am so sorry you had to find us. But I am glad that you did. Keep posting, it helps. You may consider posting in Parent Emeritus, where our kids are older. Having "had it" is a good sign, it means you're ready to make the changes necessary to get your own life back. [/QUOTE]
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