<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: kris</div><div class="ubbcode-body">hmmmmmmm. in theory this sounds like a viable plan.
can you share with-us what are the deal breakers for you & wife? what things are you willing to give on?? if we know what these items are we might be able to offer some suggestions....experiences.
for instance...can you live with-a school night curfew but more liberal curew on friday & saturday nights? stuff like that.
kris </div></div>
Three goals, in order of importance:
<ul>[*]Improve life skills so he doesn't end up dealing or working the Tenderloin district if/when he leaves the nest. Primarily, this means staying in school, getting his degree, and picking up some work or trade skills along the way.
[*]Moderate or eliminate his substance abuse. Already working on cigs and inhaled pot, but nearly dying from an asthma attack last week helps out. But we're afraid he's moving to other stuff, like booze.
[*]Improve his relationship and connections to the family and family members.[/list]
Working from top to bottom, life skills is most important; I've known many drunks and potheads who could keep a job and provide for themselves. Of course, it would be better to hold a job without the substance abuse issues. Family is nice to have for how, but more for us than him. He won't value that until much later in life, possibly not until one or the both of us passes. I can put up with him hating me if he gets the help he needs and learns to take care of himself.
Dealbreakers for us are, first and foremost, not staying in school, followed by his pathalogical lying, running the roads all night, not honoring his commitments, and using controlled substances and then driving (or driving with someone DUI). Secondary dealbreakers are continuing to treat the family like a motel with live-in maid service.
Concessions we're willing to make (and already have made) are not telling him who he can/cannot hang out with, not forcing him to check in and get permission to move around, increasing schoolnite curfews to 9-10 (weekends 12-1), and contining to help him with other things (like financing his car, helping with insurance etc...)
The real pickle is that we've already given away most of the things we can. The trick is going to be getting him to see everything we've given him (or given up for him), acknowledge that, and try to make some good-faith effort back to us. If we can't get him to do that, then we're in the deep stuff and I don't know where to go from there, other than to "get tough" - and I have my doubts about how well that will work on my prideful, stiff-necked, and stoopid difficult child who really thinks he can make it on his own right now.
Mikey
