Trying to be more outgoing but it's not working for me.

[Jody]

I read another post today about relationships and issues with people. I thought maybe those of us who are not the best at this might get some hinters, or some input on situations we have recently been in. I have bi-polar and have a few close friends and I am friendly. I sometime have a hard time with telling when someone is going to speak and I end up talking over them, I don't mean to I just have a hard time picking up the signal. I prefer dogs. I am my most comfortable at home, with Broady and my new dog Kainda. It's peaceful. I haven't had a lot of that as most of us here haven't. i have at the insistence of my oldest daughter tried to reach out to more people, when she left for college her sister (difficult child) had left to move to California. She cried on the way out the door and asked me to reach out more and make friends. She's not a crier, so I thought wow, I probably better do something if other people think it's that bad.
I'm not rich, I live paycheck to paycheck, I have my own mobile home I am buying, I am terrible about paying bills on time. I have impulse issues, and if I see something cheap and I want it, I worry about the consequences later. As long as I am not homeless, and I am working an paying my own bills, my vehicle is paid for. it's not new in fact, it's over 10 years old, it's the best vehicle I've had old or new. It's not beautiful by any means, but it's mine and it runs and thats all I need or want. I'm not asking anyone for money for anything, if I do something stupid financial wise, I fix it. The problem is when you become friends with, people for some reason, at least for me, they want to say things to me like: Do you think you really could afford another dog? Im not a hoarder, I have two dogs and a kitten. Do you think getting another dog was the best decision? They have never been to my house, and if they had they would see that it is clean, not immaculate cause i do have dog toys and cat toys around my front room, and magazines laying about, normal stuff. On a bad fibro day it wouldnt ever be considered dirty. I just don't understand comments like that and they really tick me off. When they light up a cigarette, I have never said to them do you think that is wise, or could you have made a better decision on how to spend your money. I don't understand why they think it's okay to do and act that way. I do confront them most times and say whoa, I moved out of my parents house when I was 17 and don't answer to anyone. Or, um, excuse me, I think you are out of line. It's not anyone's business what I can afford or cannot afford. Because I dont join you at the spa to get a pedicure, does not mean that I couldnt afford to, I just don't want anyone playing with my feet. Rave all you want about how it feels, nope not for me. Okay so do you ignore the behavior or do you blurt out things like i do and toss the relationship? After they do something like that I can't imagine it's not going to creep back in sometime. I just don't know. HELP??? I like you guys I really do, I think you are about the only friends I really need.

 

[Californiablonde]

You gave a prime example of why my friends are few and I prefer the company of my cats most of the time. I especially have a problem with female friends sticking their nose in where it doesn't belong, like telling me how to raise difficult child without me asking for their advice. I have lost several friends over stuff like that. The best friend I ever had was a man and he passed away suddenly several years ago. Since him I really don't have a best friend. I have a couple of girlfriends but we maybe see each other once a year to get together. Other than that we chat on facebook. I am totally okay with that. I prefer the company of my animals over humans.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I'm about the same by nature... but I have a husband who's a social wiz-kid... which is great. I get one-on-one tutoring (after the fact), he will "shut me off" if I'm rambling and getting in trouble, and generally, I can just let him take the lead and bask in his shadow...

 

[AnnieO]

I'm a loner by nature... I was an only child (and grandchild on Mom's side), younger than all my schoolmates, middle class in an expensive private school... Dad was out of town a lot when I was a kid. So, I don't meet people I don't already know, to quote Shallow Grave.

Just reaching out to the board 4 1/2 years ago was a HUGE step for me. Stang and Hound Dog will tell you I don't socialize a whole lot... But once you are my friends, you are my FRIENDS. It takes a lot of make me wash my hands of anyone I care about.

Interestingly, I've been more outgoing here than anywhere...

 

[BusynMember]

I am trying very hard to be social. I know it's considered healthy and I'm into health. So I join different activities, but I am not good at socializing (see the volunteer thread) and I don't understand people or social cues that well and I only have one person I consider a real friend, other than my husband. I really do wish I could reach out more, but people don't seem to want to go out for coffee or hang out and I don't party. I like to be out and about talking to the cashier at the gas station or the lady at the pet store or the people that I do community theatre with, but I do wish I had at least one REALLY close friend who I could confide in. I am very socially awkward, which makes sense since I have Aspie symptoms and a whopping non-verbal learning disability which zaps my ability to figure out others. My hub, my three Pcs and my two little baby dogs are all I have. There is no DNA family in my life. Not even one cousin.

 

[KTMom91]

I'm about as social as I want to be in real life. I would like to have a girlfriend or two to stop for a drink on a Friday evening, but working at thirty-two different school sites cuts down on making friends at work. Hubby and I go out to dinner every Friday and breakfast every Saturday, I spend time during the week with my mom, and then I have my fellow warrior moms.

 

[1905]

I don't need a lot of friends and I don't want any. I am friendly and polite to people, then I have to blow them off, Iwhen they want to get together. I have things to do and don't feel like chit chatting about nothing. I have my own important (to me) things to do. husband is my best friend, we do everything together and we have fun. I don't always want to be polite and thoughtful to other and stuff like that. I have no time for that. I won't go to my Christmas party at work, I see these people all day, the weekends are for me to rejuvenate. My rowing team would always have get-togethers, I only wanted to row, and never went along. These women were my dear friends, by the way. I love my friends, but only want my husband to hang out with. I laugh at inappropriate things, I curse, and I keep that part of me private, I changed my facebook page to may maiden name and don't want anyone to know the real me, especially work
Anyway, Be happy with whatever you're comfortable with and don't worry that you "should" be doing this or that. My true friends are from high school, I have no time for anyone else. For me, I get annoyed when I have to entertain anyone.

 

[Jody]

I don't like to entertain at all. My best friend who has been there for the birth of both of my kids has never been to my house. She has the address, but has knows how I am, we have been friends since High school. She's my kids godmother. She knows I don't like company at my house, that is my letdown place. I invited another friend over this weekend to help me decorate the small bedroom, and have been trying all week, to figure out how to cancel it. I felt bad, I go to her house sometimes, but have never offered for her to come into mine. Maybe if I do it it will just seem like no big deal. I just want to be me, and I think thats just what Im going to do and stop worrying about how I like my dogs better and how I like to get home asap, and I don't want to be an open book to people. I like my quiet time, and projects. I think that is the only way for me. Tonight I am painting old hubcaps, into flowers, it's a pinterest project, then next year when spring gets here, I can take them outside and hang them on the fence, and paint the stem and leaves. I'm going to offer my friend to make one this evening. I might hang one in my spare bedroom. and put lights around it. I am decorating it into a plant/study type room. Making it cheerful and as summerish as I can, so that on WINTER days I can go in there and feel better. Thank you for your comments, I am glad to know that everyone is not as social as I thought they were.

 

[Jody]

Omg, sitting here and a co-worker walks up and says. Did you get another dog? There are only 4 people here and I messed up the other day and said lab and they knew I had a golden. I said oh why do you ask? This is the lady I can't stand. Oh gosh, I just dont like this braud. Anyway, she said I was just curious. They act like I have ten dogs or soemthing. I have two. She has two whats the deal, and she has let her cats get pregnant twice and have kittens and both times she let the outside dog kill three of them. Uhm, I think she is trying to push me into going off. She is wearing flip flops today and flipping and flopping all over the office. If you pray please say a prayer for me, to do the right thing, if you dont pray do a happy dance or something. I feel like I want to go off.
Not in a dangerous physical way, but I would like to verbally let this woman have it. I want to go home so badly and lock the door. I want to call my Dr and tell her but what do I say Nosey people are getting on my nerves, Id'e be a-okay if it werent for crazy people asking me crazy stuff that is none of their business.

 

[Californiablonde]

I deal with nosy/inconsiderate coworkers on a daily basis so I can emphathize. I will pray for God to give you strength. I hope the rest of your day is peaceful and drama free!

 

[scent of cedar]

Well, here's the thing. People are strange. We are weird. We do what we can to comfort ourselves, and half the time, it doesn't work. We overeat, we oversleep, we work too much. Brene Brown has been writing about shame (it's universal) and about allowing vulnerability as a way of overcoming social anxiety. If you are interested, her book is...huh. I can't remember what it is. She does have a TED talk about vulnerability. I will find the link for you tomorrow.

And the title.

:O)

Here is a story: Blind Melon has a video about a chubby little red headed girl in spectacles and a bee costume. She tries so hard to fit in, but everyone rejects her. Finally, they toss her out the door and right into a roomful of...people in bee costumes!

The moral is that we all need to find "our" people. Once we do, then we understand that there was never anything wrong or different about us. It was just that we hadn't found "our" people.

If you are content (and it sounds like you are), then you are probably more fortunate than anyone you work with. Why your relative would say something like that, I don't know.

But it seems a little abusive ~ like, cleverly verbally abusive, in that it was spoken to make you feel weird.

I will find the video and the Brown info and post it for you here, tomorrow.

You will get the biggest kick out of that video, I think. I know I did.

:O)

Cedar

 

[Jody]

thank you Cedar and CB appreciate it. I came home and played outside with my dogs, and then came inside and have a kitten who is laying on my chest with one paw on my face, so sweet and a red golden retriever with his head on my lap, and a wore out black lab warming my feet. Therapy for sure! I was gonna go get a bottle of white wine and drink the whole thing. I don't even really drink. This is pretty good, I see why I am at peace, furbabies.

 

[Calamity Jane]

I pleaded with both my kids to be Veterinarians because people will always let you down, but animals, particularly domesticated animals, are so true and loyal and have such a lock on our emotions, that I can't understand who wouldn't want to work with animals. Unfortunately, neither of my kids were interested. Now, when they complain about people at work, I remind them, "You should've been a Veterinarian."

 

[scent of cedar]

Jody, I have a dog, too. And a cat. I love aquariums, and as soon as we settle in one place, I will have one, again. Maybe even a bird or two. I love the feel of animals. They are so cool and nonjudgmental and goofy!

VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qPVNONdF58

TED Talk: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

There is something else I thought of for you to read, Jody. (I woke up thinking about it ~ you must be meant to have this information! :O)

There is a book I read so long ago. In it, the way we understand the world was likened to a big television screen in our minds. The images on the screen are how we interpret the world and ourselves in it. We react to the world based on the images on the screen. Understanding that the screen is there gives us the opportunity to realize the images projected on the screen are just that ~ images. In other words, what we think is happening ~ how we think others respond to us, for instance ~ may be more a problem with our internal screen than it is with what the other person is projecting on their own internal screen and reflecting back to us.

My explanation may be confusing, but the book I'm going to suggest you read is written beautifully and clearly.

Self Esteem by McKay/Fanning

The book will be available in the library, and it is on Amazon.

:O)

Wishing a good day, Jody.

I wanted to add that the battle for peace and good humor within has so little to do with what other people think, Jody. We all are coping with negative childhood messages, we all are trying so hard to be better than we think we know we are. We all are a little defensive, we all feel we have let ourselves or others down. That is why smiling at a stranger can bring an answering smile, without either of us knowing why.

On some level, we get that. There are no barriers, no expectations built up between strangers. A smile of pure joy, of celebration that we are alive and in the world, can fly between us.

Cedar

The Blind Melon video comes back as "unavailable" when I checked to be sure it would play. I'm sorry, Jody. If you Google Blind Melon "No Rain" you will be able to see it.

 

[Californiablonde]

I am glad you were able to find some peace. My animals are definitely therapy for me. I have been having an incredibly stressful week and my little Mandy has been sleeping on my shoulder every night. Normally she sleeps with difficult child but she can always sense when I am anxious and she comforts me. Animals are the greatest. Some humans, not so much.

 

[trinityroyal]

Cedar, I've always loved that Blind Melon song and video. And I will carve out some time to watch that TED talk.

Jody, if you're not comfortable socializing, then don't force yourself. Here's an interesting statistic. about 65% of people are extraverted and 35% introverted. (I'm quoting a study from memory, so my numbers may be slightly off). The people saying socializing is healthy are extraverted. There's nothing wrong with socializing, but it's not for everyone. I think you need to be true to yourself. If having people over stresses you out, then don't do it. Your home is your sanctuary. Anything that makes it a less safe and peaceful place for you damages that.

I am an introvert's introvert. Years ago when I took the Myers-Briggs personality type test, I scored 100% on the introvert scale. I do like to be social occasionally, but mostly not. I LOVE this forum, because it's asyncrhonous. I can spend time with my friends on my schedule, rather than having to do stuff in real time, which freaks me out.

I also have trouble with groups of girlfriends. I'm confused by the conversations, and don't really understand why they do what they do. I remember being convinced to join a bunch of girl friends to go out to some event or other. It was awful and boring, but they all agreed that it was "better than sitting home on a Saturday night". Personally, I wish I could have that Saturday night back to sit at home.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, you're not alone in feeling the way you do, and there's nothing wrong with it. You don't need to try to change yourself to please others, or to justify what you're doing or why.

Sit home, enjoy your dogs and cats. Enjoy your painting project. I hope the flowers turn out well.

*Trinity

 

[Hound dog]

Jody I've not read through the other responses.

People these days have become much more rude and intrusive into personal business. I find it irritating at best. I tend to be rather blunt about something not being their concern or business too, although I do attempt to say it in a not so harsh way.

I've never been super social because I don't do drama of any sort. That eliminates a LOT of people rather quickly. I also don't require a lot of friends to be happy. Actually am perfectly fine with no friends at all. Either way is good. lol

I'm currently developing a friendship with a difficult child at work. (I know, I know what about that drama?) Perhaps I should say she is well on her way to being a easy child and as long as she can keep her feet on the path she'll be great. S is a lot like me......quite a lot, which makes her easy to get along with. I'm rather good at accepting someone faults and all.........and I don't think she is much used to that but she is liking it. (currently her faults are not anything I would consider an issue) It appears she may join the crochet circle. I may invite her and her dad to the holiday dinners because I know they don't have much and their family refuses to celebrate holidays since her mother passed a year ago. Other than this? We pretty much hang out at work. Although eventually that might change as our interests are just so in tune with each other.

I don't force social, and if I'm going to be social it is doing things i enjoy doing and within my comfort zone. S already knows I'm not very social, she isn't either, so we're good. lol

I have always preferred animals to people. I doubt that will ever change.

As for catching the clue someone is about to talk............. I tend to read lips. I have never had a hearing issue, so I have no clue how the habit started, but as long as I can remember I watch a person's lips as they speak. With practice, you can quickly tell when the facial muscles are moving in such a way to begin talking. I know it is what prevents me from talking over people because if they're where I can't see their lips......if I'm not careful I tend to do this as well.

Just don't force it. Society seems to try to make us believe we're supposed to be these super social beings. Not everyone is geared that way. Besides, socializing with animals is STILL socializing.

((hugs))

 

[DDD]

I've been following this thead with interest. Totally I agree that it is important to accept yourself as you are. on the other hand I think it is healthy to avoid pidgeonholing yourself with a single label such as introvert or extrovert. As is obvious to anyone who reads my posts over the years that I am more extroverted, lol. In truth, though, I think most of us are ambiverts depending on the circumstances we are in and the people we are around. A number of CD family members have identified themselves as introverts BUT they are more than willing to help out strangers in need or reach out to newbies on our Board. Are more people intrusive in 2012 than they were in 1962? Maybe so. on the other hand our society is more fragmented than it used to be decades ago. Neighborhoods, schools, jobs, churches are fluid and as a result thousands of strangers pass each other without even a nod.

Obviously I am around many people who are of no interest to me (and vice versa, lol) but if people ask questions that are not of an inappropriate nature I assume they are just trying to make contact instead of just ignoring the people around them. Heck, you can't have a pleasant relationship if there's no personal exchange. Somewhere between being a hermit and the life of the party there are plenty of opportunities for short friendly chats. DDD