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Trying to make sense of todays blow up
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<blockquote data-quote="aeroeng" data-source="post: 275368" data-attributes="member: 6557"><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">Marguerite's posting is very helpful. It is the sort of approach that helps my difficult child best. Your difficult child sounds very similar, and the things that seem to help me are:</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">- Try to identify what triggers the explosions. Most seem random, but are usually not really. Taking a closer look helps. My difficult child tends to explode when he perceives that something is not fair, if things don't happen as he expected, or when he must manage his frustration. For example: Once my difficult child wanted his brother to install some software on his computer. He also did not want his brother to touch his computer. He did not have the skill necessary to manage this conflict of wants, so he exploded on other things.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">- When you can, teach control techniques in advanced. (Marguerites pre-call planning scenario is a good example). I know you want to both have easy child install the software, and not touch your computer, but both can't happen. Is there anyway easy child can talk you through it, or only work while you watch? Let's think about this...</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">- When the explosion has already happened. Remain calm and don't allow your self to contribute to the building of emotions. For me it is very hard not to yell when I am angry at the child, and if I want to yell it is very hard to talk in a normal voice. So I use what I call the "Hal voice" from the movie 2010. "I'm sorry difficult child, I'm afraid I can't do that." If you don't accelerate, he has a more difficult time exploding. If needed walk away.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">- If he is exploding or on the verge of one, change the environment or find a distraction. husband and I will trade places, go out side. Once difficult child was screaming in the car, upset about an event that happened at the Dr office. He saw someone steeling gas from parked cars. Calling and reporting it to the police completely pulled him out of the explosion. You can't arrange for gas theft, but look for what you can. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">- If needed walk away. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">- Find other places that the siblings can go to. (Grandparents, friends, neighbors). The more separation the better.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">- Don't follow when he run-away. This is very difficult to do. But if you follow he will learn that it is a good technique to manipulate you with. If you are concerned about his health and safety call a neighbor or 911. My difficult child deliberately cut his hand and told the therapist he did it because he wanted to kill himself. The therapist said to take him to the emergency room. He did not want to go so he ran a way. 20 police offices, one helicopter and two blood hounds later we found him. In the ER he told the Dr. his strategies for saying he wanted to kill himself and they were all related to manipulating me and husband. He has not tried to run away since, and all talks of suicide have stopped. If he really did have depression that would also have been the best approach.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">- Use award & punishment techniques when they are effective, but learn to recognize when they are not. My difficult child's truly understands the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior, and he truly desires to behave. But, he does not have the mental skills required to do so. Thus for him, many of the award/punishment techniques just become something else that is frustrating.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">- Teach how to manage frustration by reflecting, stating the problem, reflecting, and communicating</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">A) Reflect: Repeat what the child has expressed. This is done to let them know you are lessening to them and understand their position. You do not need to agree to it only prove you herd and understand. "You feel it is not fair that ... got .... when you ...". Did I get it correct? Did I miss anything? Sometimes reflecting is repeating back word for word. Sometimes it is stating your observations. "You are frustrated because your friend did not want to... " Do not worry about getting it wrong. They always correct you. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">B) State the Problem: "difficult child feels that you made an agreement to ....". and "easy child believes that you were going to ....". "Did I get it correct? ... difficult child what ideas do you have to .... easy child do you agree that that is fair? ....</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">After this loooong posting. Does it work? no. He is still a difficult child. But it has reduced the number and intensity of the explosions. For example: Yesterday he got mad because I stopped to fill my car with gas. He wanted me to drive him home and then come back with out him. But against his wishes I got the gas. So now he is very angry at me. But his strategy this time is to not talk to me all night. And since this does not damage anything, does not cause extreme frustration in his brothers! I'm OK with it. It is kind of like having diabetes. You don't make the disease go away, you just manage it better.</span></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="aeroeng, post: 275368, member: 6557"] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Marguerite's posting is very helpful. It is the sort of approach that helps my difficult child best. Your difficult child sounds very similar, and the things that seem to help me are:[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]- Try to identify what triggers the explosions. Most seem random, but are usually not really. Taking a closer look helps. My difficult child tends to explode when he perceives that something is not fair, if things don't happen as he expected, or when he must manage his frustration. For example: Once my difficult child wanted his brother to install some software on his computer. He also did not want his brother to touch his computer. He did not have the skill necessary to manage this conflict of wants, so he exploded on other things.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]- When you can, teach control techniques in advanced. (Marguerites pre-call planning scenario is a good example). I know you want to both have easy child install the software, and not touch your computer, but both can't happen. Is there anyway easy child can talk you through it, or only work while you watch? Let's think about this...[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]- When the explosion has already happened. Remain calm and don't allow your self to contribute to the building of emotions. For me it is very hard not to yell when I am angry at the child, and if I want to yell it is very hard to talk in a normal voice. So I use what I call the "Hal voice" from the movie 2010. "I'm sorry difficult child, I'm afraid I can't do that." If you don't accelerate, he has a more difficult time exploding. If needed walk away.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]- If he is exploding or on the verge of one, change the environment or find a distraction. husband and I will trade places, go out side. Once difficult child was screaming in the car, upset about an event that happened at the Dr office. He saw someone steeling gas from parked cars. Calling and reporting it to the police completely pulled him out of the explosion. You can't arrange for gas theft, but look for what you can. [/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]- If needed walk away. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]- Find other places that the siblings can go to. (Grandparents, friends, neighbors). The more separation the better.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]- Don't follow when he run-away. This is very difficult to do. But if you follow he will learn that it is a good technique to manipulate you with. If you are concerned about his health and safety call a neighbor or 911. My difficult child deliberately cut his hand and told the therapist he did it because he wanted to kill himself. The therapist said to take him to the emergency room. He did not want to go so he ran a way. 20 police offices, one helicopter and two blood hounds later we found him. In the ER he told the Dr. his strategies for saying he wanted to kill himself and they were all related to manipulating me and husband. He has not tried to run away since, and all talks of suicide have stopped. If he really did have depression that would also have been the best approach.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]- Use award & punishment techniques when they are effective, but learn to recognize when they are not. My difficult child's truly understands the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior, and he truly desires to behave. But, he does not have the mental skills required to do so. Thus for him, many of the award/punishment techniques just become something else that is frustrating.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]- Teach how to manage frustration by reflecting, stating the problem, reflecting, and communicating[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]A) Reflect: Repeat what the child has expressed. This is done to let them know you are lessening to them and understand their position. You do not need to agree to it only prove you herd and understand. "You feel it is not fair that ... got .... when you ...". Did I get it correct? Did I miss anything? Sometimes reflecting is repeating back word for word. Sometimes it is stating your observations. "You are frustrated because your friend did not want to... " Do not worry about getting it wrong. They always correct you. [/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]B) State the Problem: "difficult child feels that you made an agreement to ....". and "easy child believes that you were going to ....". "Did I get it correct? ... difficult child what ideas do you have to .... easy child do you agree that that is fair? ....[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]After this loooong posting. Does it work? no. He is still a difficult child. But it has reduced the number and intensity of the explosions. For example: Yesterday he got mad because I stopped to fill my car with gas. He wanted me to drive him home and then come back with out him. But against his wishes I got the gas. So now he is very angry at me. But his strategy this time is to not talk to me all night. And since this does not damage anything, does not cause extreme frustration in his brothers! I'm OK with it. It is kind of like having diabetes. You don't make the disease go away, you just manage it better.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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