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Trying to make sense of todays blow up
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<blockquote data-quote="aeroeng" data-source="post: 275746" data-attributes="member: 6557"><p><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #333333"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #333333"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">Yes - at least sometimes or not a significant consequence handed out by you. Natural consequences are good. And, yes it is very frustrating and difficult for me to do as well.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">The reason our difficult children are difficult children is because many of them react differently to "typical" parenting. Supper nanny's approaches are wonderful, but they don't work for a difficult child. Also you need to remember that each difficult child is a difficult child for a different reason and what works for mine might not work for yours. Thus with this board take everything as a suggestion or idea. Think about how it would work with your child, life, beliefs before using any.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">The concept of not providing a reward/penalty systems is a controversial one and is described in "The Explosive Child" book. Many authors on other books for managing ODD children strongly disagree with this approach and state that everything can be used as a privilege. Down to the foods they eat and the cloths they wear. So there is a lot of experts supporting the idea of consequences for bad behavior.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">For my son, the reward/penalty systems only increased the level of fighting. He would fight with no regard for consequence for a reward he had not earned, and hook in hard against the parent inflicted consequence. The reward/penalty system only made things worse. "The Explosive Child" takes the approach that the child is already motivated to do good, they just don't have the ability to manage the frustrations in their frontal lobes. That a better approach is to teach the skills needed to deal with the frustrations. As an engineer I then want to see a catalog of the skills needed and detailed instructions and activities I can use to teach them. Alas the skills catalog does not exist.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">If you saw Desperate Housewives last Friday you know that they did not put Dave in prison for trying to kill innocent people, they put him in a mental hospital. No one would argue that is the proper place for him to go. A punishment might be appropriate response for an action, but I argue that it might not be the best way to get a particular child to improve.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">Natural consequences are effective, and it is also difficult not to protect him from them. Example: If you don't come into eat when I call, your food will be cold. (No re-heating, and don't prepare something new). "The Explosive Child" had a good discussion on how to decide if it is worth allowing the natural consequences or not. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">Our house has several holes in the walls from various explosions. We are not going to fix them until difficult child is grown and gone. Each day difficult child looks at them and I believe feels a little guilty (a natural consequence). On days when difficult child has been particularly nasty to me, instead of reacting, I will do something kind. When I do this he pulls out of it much faster. I believe this approach has helped him improve faster. It is not perfect by any measure. There are times when I feel quite abused. It is hard not to react when he is rude, and still teach easy child and difficult child in training not to be rude.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">Another problem parents of difficult children often have to deal with is the perceptions out side of the home. Everything gets blamed on the parenting skills, and that is just not so. Reducing the consequence also draws additional criticism. My in-laws will look at the holes and explain what they would have done. But I can't worry about their opinion, I need to worry about what works best for my son. And this approach seems to bring him around so much faster and works so much better. It has been over six months since the holes were created, and difficult child has stated that he will not create anymore. So far he has held up to that promise. This year has not been the fun loving family life I always imagined, but it has been a whole lot better then last year. </span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="aeroeng, post: 275746, member: 6557"] [FONT=Verdana][COLOR=#333333] [/COLOR][/FONT] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana]Yes - at least sometimes or not a significant consequence handed out by you. Natural consequences are good. And, yes it is very frustrating and difficult for me to do as well.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana]The reason our difficult children are difficult children is because many of them react differently to "typical" parenting. Supper nanny's approaches are wonderful, but they don't work for a difficult child. Also you need to remember that each difficult child is a difficult child for a different reason and what works for mine might not work for yours. Thus with this board take everything as a suggestion or idea. Think about how it would work with your child, life, beliefs before using any.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana]The concept of not providing a reward/penalty systems is a controversial one and is described in "The Explosive Child" book. Many authors on other books for managing ODD children strongly disagree with this approach and state that everything can be used as a privilege. Down to the foods they eat and the cloths they wear. So there is a lot of experts supporting the idea of consequences for bad behavior.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana]For my son, the reward/penalty systems only increased the level of fighting. He would fight with no regard for consequence for a reward he had not earned, and hook in hard against the parent inflicted consequence. The reward/penalty system only made things worse. "The Explosive Child" takes the approach that the child is already motivated to do good, they just don't have the ability to manage the frustrations in their frontal lobes. That a better approach is to teach the skills needed to deal with the frustrations. As an engineer I then want to see a catalog of the skills needed and detailed instructions and activities I can use to teach them. Alas the skills catalog does not exist.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana]If you saw Desperate Housewives last Friday you know that they did not put Dave in prison for trying to kill innocent people, they put him in a mental hospital. No one would argue that is the proper place for him to go. A punishment might be appropriate response for an action, but I argue that it might not be the best way to get a particular child to improve.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana]Natural consequences are effective, and it is also difficult not to protect him from them. Example: If you don't come into eat when I call, your food will be cold. (No re-heating, and don't prepare something new). "The Explosive Child" had a good discussion on how to decide if it is worth allowing the natural consequences or not. [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana]Our house has several holes in the walls from various explosions. We are not going to fix them until difficult child is grown and gone. Each day difficult child looks at them and I believe feels a little guilty (a natural consequence). On days when difficult child has been particularly nasty to me, instead of reacting, I will do something kind. When I do this he pulls out of it much faster. I believe this approach has helped him improve faster. It is not perfect by any measure. There are times when I feel quite abused. It is hard not to react when he is rude, and still teach easy child and difficult child in training not to be rude.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Verdana]Another problem parents of difficult children often have to deal with is the perceptions out side of the home. Everything gets blamed on the parenting skills, and that is just not so. Reducing the consequence also draws additional criticism. My in-laws will look at the holes and explain what they would have done. But I can't worry about their opinion, I need to worry about what works best for my son. And this approach seems to bring him around so much faster and works so much better. It has been over six months since the holes were created, and difficult child has stated that he will not create anymore. So far he has held up to that promise. This year has not been the fun loving family life I always imagined, but it has been a whole lot better then last year. [/FONT][/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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