trying to understand

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hopeful97, Jan 18, 2016.

  1. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    There are many of you that have been on this incredibly sad and difficult journey concerning our d cs much longer than me. Brief background, problems started when d c was 9 with mental illness, treatment was going ok, things started a rapid decline when d c was in 6th grade, as of d c s 18th birthday d c no longer living in our home, d c turned 18 September of 2015.

    This is hard to explain, I don't know if this is part of loving detachment and setting boundaries but have not had contact with d c for week or so. It is extremely cold d c comes to house hubby answers door comes back in gets coat to take d c to wherever he is staying. When hubby opens door to leave d c must be standing right there I hear "I love you mom" I step out of kitchen see him turning away as hubby shuts door and say " I love you too" d c turns and we briefly make eye contact. I feel weird, it's not the feeling of nothing that I couldn't identify until I posted on this site, just felt like "oh well". Any ideas?

    Sis thinks it's part of the ongoing process of setting boundaries, lovingly detaching and learning to guard my heart, learning to live without the fear and chaos.

    It is a new and different feeling or state of being.

    That's all. Thanks!


  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    HI Hopeful! When you look at this, from your sons diagnosis, to his rapid decline, this is almost a decade of difficulty, really six years of extreme living. What I mean by that, is the constant up and down of living with a difficult child, we get so caught up in the drama of it all. I don't even think we realize how exhausted we really are, how much of a toll this takes on us.
    It becomes a norm. That "here we go again...."
    Then it gets overwhelming and we know we have to do something.
    I think it is such a long, hard process, to let go and let God. So many different stages, we go through. Guilt, heartache, anger, longing, sadness, we run the gamut of all sorts of emotions. It is so very hard on the mind and heart.
    I call it numbing. It is a protection. You have had a hard time with all of this, especially since your son continues to poke and prod for help, rides, money. It just gets to a point where it all gets so old, and tiring. It is a strange feeling, isn't it? When it hit me, I was like 'What is wrong with me?" I did fall a bit back into sadness and despair with contact after that, but not as deeply and as long. Over the holidays, I became somewhat contemplative and paralyzed physically. I just wanted to think things through. Be careful. Don't fall into that one, because now, I have to get my body out of "rigor mortis". Take extra special care of yourself, because you are still in a delicate stage. Work hard to build yourself up. Get your toolbox out, because there are ups and downs still.
    Your Sis is so smart, I am happy for you Hopeful, that you have her. Hug her for me okay? It is true, it is a part of the process. We lived in such a frenzied state with our d cs. I can't believe how tangled up I got, and how long this time, it has taken me to set myself free of it. Maybe that is so, because I am hell bent on fulfilling my promise to myself, which is NO MORE! The finality of that hit me.
    It feels weird and puzzling at first, like something is wrong. There is everything RIGHT about this. You are learning to be FREE Hopeful. Free of all of the craziness. YAY YOU!
    Keep working at taking care of yourself, your needs.
    The ride is not over yet, there will certainly be more tests. Take advantage of this time of strength and keep on building on it.
    You will be just fine Hopeful, you are doing really, really well! I am so happy for you!
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  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Hopeful,

    The feelings you are describing sound very much like detaching with love. It is a strange feeling/emotion when we first start to recognize it.

    Your sister is spot on!

    Embrace it! You are moving in the right direction.

  4. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    Yes, I think this is the beginning of "detaching with love," but also the beginning of acceptance. At least it was for me, and it felt very strange to "accept" my daughter as she is. I spent so much time fighting against it, trying to fix and correct it, "figure it out," that I couldn't accept that there was nothing for ME to make things change. It has to come from her.

    I accept that this is who my daughter is today. I accept that this is her situation, not mine. I hope this isn't the person she remains forever, but I accept that she may get worse before she gets better...and she may not ever get better.

    Accepting the things we cannot change is part of the Serenity prayer for a reason.
  5. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    Thanks to all of you. It sure doesn't feel like I will ever accept this just learn to live with it - maybe that is in a way acceptance. Thanks for all of your words of wisdom and your support through all of this, trying to keep my head up but it is seems to be a very sad time right now - don't know why but probably because I am at this stage - in the Serenity prayer accepting (learning to live with), it is another sad stage in this journey. Wow, I thought the hurt would lessen, but I am learning that the hurt goes up and down sometimes it is worse than others. That seems weird to say but it is these new emotions.

    Leafy, :youreright: the ride is not over yet and maybe never will be but I am really trying to dig in really concentrate on building up my strength.

    Tanya M., :youreright:this is a really strange feeling/emotion. I sense that detaching with love is sort of an ongoing process but as you get stronger as you continue to practice detaching with love and to stop enabling it gets less intense (hopefully).

    Leafy, Letting go and letting God is a long, hard process - but I persist because I know that God is with me at all times. It sucks that the stages we go through and from what I have been reading the stages continue to cycle just get less and less or longer in between or maybe just slow down.

    TheWalrus, Thank you. I am working toward this. It is a long process and I can see that things will most likely get worse for my son, trying to strengthen myself with things I have learned so that I can respond/react appropriately. I know that this is his situation and I cannot change things trying to now accept that which is slowly happening.

    Again Thank all of you for caring, sharing, listening, offering advice and opinions. In the few months that I have been posting this you have helped me tremendously, I can't imagine where I would be if God had not led me to this site.


    Last edited: Jan 19, 2016