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<blockquote data-quote="pigless in VA" data-source="post: 708131" data-attributes="member: 11832"><p>Copa, as much as you <em>want </em>to incentivize him to change, we absolutely cannot accomplish that for any other person. The only power we have is to change ourselves.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think this is worth a great deal. You reached out to your son, changed your relationship with him, and tried to steer him in a positive direction. You have used the past year wisely. Are you in a better place today than you were the last time you showed him the door? I hope that you are. </p><p></p><p>I wholeheartedly agree with your no marijuana policy. I think there are some people who dabble in in it and don't allow it to derail their lives. There are others, like my late brother in law, who become consumed by it. It occurred to me the other day that since all of them are now deceased, I no longer need to disguise my husband's family. There is no one left for my words to hurt. So, Bernie, my brother in law, became an alcoholic at a young age. He learned that he could not drink alcohol and be productive. I am proud that he stopped drinking in his 30s. </p><p></p><p>The problem was that he never stopped smoking weed. He smoked every day. I do agree that I much prefer to be around a pot smoker than an alcoholic. Alcoholics tend to be violent and angry. The problem is that when a person uses a substance like a crutch, that they never mature emotionally. They don't see it, because they are escaping their feelings through the use of the substance: alcohol, pot, other drugs. </p><p></p><p>The story of Bernie's life is short. He had an abusive father. He turned to substance abuse as a 10 year old. He had an older brother who was frequently hospitalized for mental illness. He had one serious relationship as a young adult. She was physically abusive. He never recovered. He never had the courage to attempt another relationship with a woman. He worked, he collected animals, and he smoked weed. When his older brother died by suicide, he didn't have the emotional fortitude to cope. He died by suicide, too. The end. </p><p></p><p>When Bernie turned 40, he declared, "I don't feel old. I still think like a kid." Lloyd and I laughed at that statement. It was completely true. Bernie was emotionally about 14 years old. He stopped maturing. He never really became an adult. He held a job that he hated, collected a zoo full of animals, and spent the rest of his time mentally escaping. </p><p></p><p>Every year at Christmas, he would spend the majority of the holiday asleep - self-anesthetized. He had no hobbies, no interests, and no girlfriend. He barely existed, followed by a marijuana haze like Pigpen, the Peanuts character. For that reason, I could never allow Bernie to take my kids anywhere. I couldn't trust him to keep them safe. I knew that he had given weed to all of his nieces and nephews. I know my choice hurt him deeply, but my instinct to protect my children took precedence. </p><p></p><p>There is nothing you can say or do that can get your son to see what he is doing to himself. You and Miguel have to decide if you can tolerate the pot smoking. It only feels bad, Copa, because you are still his mother. You have a need to know that he is safe. If he is living nearby, you at least know that much. Only you can decide if you can let go of that need.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="pigless in VA, post: 708131, member: 11832"] Copa, as much as you [I]want [/I]to incentivize him to change, we absolutely cannot accomplish that for any other person. The only power we have is to change ourselves. I think this is worth a great deal. You reached out to your son, changed your relationship with him, and tried to steer him in a positive direction. You have used the past year wisely. Are you in a better place today than you were the last time you showed him the door? I hope that you are. I wholeheartedly agree with your no marijuana policy. I think there are some people who dabble in in it and don't allow it to derail their lives. There are others, like my late brother in law, who become consumed by it. It occurred to me the other day that since all of them are now deceased, I no longer need to disguise my husband's family. There is no one left for my words to hurt. So, Bernie, my brother in law, became an alcoholic at a young age. He learned that he could not drink alcohol and be productive. I am proud that he stopped drinking in his 30s. The problem was that he never stopped smoking weed. He smoked every day. I do agree that I much prefer to be around a pot smoker than an alcoholic. Alcoholics tend to be violent and angry. The problem is that when a person uses a substance like a crutch, that they never mature emotionally. They don't see it, because they are escaping their feelings through the use of the substance: alcohol, pot, other drugs. The story of Bernie's life is short. He had an abusive father. He turned to substance abuse as a 10 year old. He had an older brother who was frequently hospitalized for mental illness. He had one serious relationship as a young adult. She was physically abusive. He never recovered. He never had the courage to attempt another relationship with a woman. He worked, he collected animals, and he smoked weed. When his older brother died by suicide, he didn't have the emotional fortitude to cope. He died by suicide, too. The end. When Bernie turned 40, he declared, "I don't feel old. I still think like a kid." Lloyd and I laughed at that statement. It was completely true. Bernie was emotionally about 14 years old. He stopped maturing. He never really became an adult. He held a job that he hated, collected a zoo full of animals, and spent the rest of his time mentally escaping. Every year at Christmas, he would spend the majority of the holiday asleep - self-anesthetized. He had no hobbies, no interests, and no girlfriend. He barely existed, followed by a marijuana haze like Pigpen, the Peanuts character. For that reason, I could never allow Bernie to take my kids anywhere. I couldn't trust him to keep them safe. I knew that he had given weed to all of his nieces and nephews. I know my choice hurt him deeply, but my instinct to protect my children took precedence. There is nothing you can say or do that can get your son to see what he is doing to himself. You and Miguel have to decide if you can tolerate the pot smoking. It only feels bad, Copa, because you are still his mother. You have a need to know that he is safe. If he is living nearby, you at least know that much. Only you can decide if you can let go of that need. [/QUOTE]
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