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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 708183" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thanks Tanya. It showed up for me as a small photo with a big red x crossing it out. Now I can see it. I wholeheartedly agree.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking a lot about this thread.</p><p></p><p>I showed up here to CD nearly 2 years ago. I was dealing with the same issues then as I am now: trying to impose onto my son my own ideas about what he should do, how he should live, what should be his goals.</p><p></p><p>Six months after coming here I detached. That was not the first time that I had kicked my son out; he had already been gone for the most part 4 years. But I had not detached. I had frozen myself.</p><p></p><p>A year and a half ago, I detached. For real. I did not think much about him; I did not call him; when he called, I listened and did not participate.</p><p></p><p>This was the beginning of change for him.</p><p></p><p>Emphatically I believe I did the right thing then.</p><p></p><p>My son has not used hard drugs. He has not been arrested. He has a mood disorder and a difficult past: given a mortal disease by drug addicted parents, which we discovered when he was 19. Abused and abandoned by the time he was 2 weeks old; born drug exposed; living for 22 months in an orphanage. And I made it harder for him: He was my golden boy. My great love. I would not admit flaw into my illusion.</p><p></p><p>I am not blaming myself. I am human, not more, not less. So is he.</p><p></p><p>To hold him to an impossible standard, I do the same to myself. To hold myself to that standard is to not admit his humanity. Changing is a process. The goal of change, always negotiated, and re-negotiated; as we change, we know more.</p><p></p><p>We are all of us different people, with different values, different cultures and priorities. Different goals for ourselves. Our children, all different, too.</p><p></p><p>I can only decide what is right for me and for us as a family at any given moment. This thread has enabled me to see what I need right now, and to decide. Just for this minute.</p><p></p><p>I cannot control what my son decides.</p><p></p><p>I hope that the thread serves in some small way for others to do the same.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 708183, member: 18958"] Thanks Tanya. It showed up for me as a small photo with a big red x crossing it out. Now I can see it. I wholeheartedly agree. I am thinking a lot about this thread. I showed up here to CD nearly 2 years ago. I was dealing with the same issues then as I am now: trying to impose onto my son my own ideas about what he should do, how he should live, what should be his goals. Six months after coming here I detached. That was not the first time that I had kicked my son out; he had already been gone for the most part 4 years. But I had not detached. I had frozen myself. A year and a half ago, I detached. For real. I did not think much about him; I did not call him; when he called, I listened and did not participate. This was the beginning of change for him. Emphatically I believe I did the right thing then. My son has not used hard drugs. He has not been arrested. He has a mood disorder and a difficult past: given a mortal disease by drug addicted parents, which we discovered when he was 19. Abused and abandoned by the time he was 2 weeks old; born drug exposed; living for 22 months in an orphanage. And I made it harder for him: He was my golden boy. My great love. I would not admit flaw into my illusion. I am not blaming myself. I am human, not more, not less. So is he. To hold him to an impossible standard, I do the same to myself. To hold myself to that standard is to not admit his humanity. Changing is a process. The goal of change, always negotiated, and re-negotiated; as we change, we know more. We are all of us different people, with different values, different cultures and priorities. Different goals for ourselves. Our children, all different, too. I can only decide what is right for me and for us as a family at any given moment. This thread has enabled me to see what I need right now, and to decide. Just for this minute. I cannot control what my son decides. I hope that the thread serves in some small way for others to do the same. [/QUOTE]
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