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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 708293" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you (*Nomad and others) for your well-thought ideas for my difficult situation.</p><p></p><p>My son does way better living with us or spending time with us each day. But once we allow him full range of the house, he thinks he has become leader of the pack.</p><p></p><p>For the past week or more he has been at the other house, where having full freedom, he turns more to weed and to wasting time. It is a trade-off.</p><p></p><p>The way things were left today (he came over belatedly to pay the rent, which I would not accept) is that on Tuesday he will come over with proofs in hand that he has been working productively to improve his life, in whatever way he chooses to the equivalent of 8 hours a day.</p><p></p><p>If we do not lay on him he will do nothing, talking about lofty goals or good ideas that never become a reality.</p><p></p><p>M is resolute that we have more control to force change with him close to us, but he recognizes our chances are not that great. His preference is that my son himself decides to leave because we are onerous and ride him too much, rather than us pushing him out.</p><p></p><p>I, however, feel that there are downsides to permitting non-compliance over a long period; that this implies consent. I insist we are at the end of the line. That is why I do not want money. YET.</p><p></p><p>I feel adamant that if he does not produce tangible demonstration of his productivity he is out. I will tell him he can come back to our house where we live, only with a clean marijuana test, and with the proof that he has achieved college-level mathematics proficiency certified by testing. (He told M today that he decided he wants to be a mathematician! Give me a break.)</p><p></p><p>This has worked before *actually 10 years ago. I pushed him to go to Job Corps and would not let him home until he completed a certificate. He did.</p><p></p><p>I can (and do) ask myself, what kind of changing has any of my pushing led to, accomplished, if 10 years later we are in the same place? With my pushing?</p><p></p><p>And how do I answer that? 10 years later: my son has largely lived with us for the past year conflict-free. The police have not been called once. He has no arrest record. He has not used hard drugs, ever, that I am aware. He is better monitoring his Hepatitis. If we allowed it, he would work all day every day for us. His moods are more stable and he is less aggressive. He is not threatening suicide. His days of low moods are far fewer. He grows every day more articulate (hard to imagine how verbal he is) and more companionable. There have been no incidences of property damage for many months. He has not had any hospital admissions for 9 months (these happen only when we ask him to leave here.) He does not see as an option, any longer, homelessness or being a couch surfer. (Unfortunately he works hard to avoid these outcomes only when he is almost being thrown out.)</p><p></p><p>There is a lot of water under the bridge, but he is treading water, and keeps at it.</p><p></p><p>What is the result I want? Often I think of this process as about my son "changing." But I know I cannot make somebody change. I guess what I am after is greater tolerance to support my son to continue as he is able, to have more stability, accountability, security and contentment. I want to be able to show my son love and patience. I want to be able to have hope and to demonstrate it.</p><p></p><p>Thank you. I had not before defined the result I was after.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 708293, member: 18958"] Thank you (*Nomad and others) for your well-thought ideas for my difficult situation. My son does way better living with us or spending time with us each day. But once we allow him full range of the house, he thinks he has become leader of the pack. For the past week or more he has been at the other house, where having full freedom, he turns more to weed and to wasting time. It is a trade-off. The way things were left today (he came over belatedly to pay the rent, which I would not accept) is that on Tuesday he will come over with proofs in hand that he has been working productively to improve his life, in whatever way he chooses to the equivalent of 8 hours a day. If we do not lay on him he will do nothing, talking about lofty goals or good ideas that never become a reality. M is resolute that we have more control to force change with him close to us, but he recognizes our chances are not that great. His preference is that my son himself decides to leave because we are onerous and ride him too much, rather than us pushing him out. I, however, feel that there are downsides to permitting non-compliance over a long period; that this implies consent. I insist we are at the end of the line. That is why I do not want money. YET. I feel adamant that if he does not produce tangible demonstration of his productivity he is out. I will tell him he can come back to our house where we live, only with a clean marijuana test, and with the proof that he has achieved college-level mathematics proficiency certified by testing. (He told M today that he decided he wants to be a mathematician! Give me a break.) This has worked before *actually 10 years ago. I pushed him to go to Job Corps and would not let him home until he completed a certificate. He did. I can (and do) ask myself, what kind of changing has any of my pushing led to, accomplished, if 10 years later we are in the same place? With my pushing? And how do I answer that? 10 years later: my son has largely lived with us for the past year conflict-free. The police have not been called once. He has no arrest record. He has not used hard drugs, ever, that I am aware. He is better monitoring his Hepatitis. If we allowed it, he would work all day every day for us. His moods are more stable and he is less aggressive. He is not threatening suicide. His days of low moods are far fewer. He grows every day more articulate (hard to imagine how verbal he is) and more companionable. There have been no incidences of property damage for many months. He has not had any hospital admissions for 9 months (these happen only when we ask him to leave here.) He does not see as an option, any longer, homelessness or being a couch surfer. (Unfortunately he works hard to avoid these outcomes only when he is almost being thrown out.) There is a lot of water under the bridge, but he is treading water, and keeps at it. What is the result I want? Often I think of this process as about my son "changing." But I know I cannot make somebody change. I guess what I am after is greater tolerance to support my son to continue as he is able, to have more stability, accountability, security and contentment. I want to be able to show my son love and patience. I want to be able to have hope and to demonstrate it. Thank you. I had not before defined the result I was after. [/QUOTE]
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