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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 718523" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>5 and 6 years old. They likely had attachment disorder when you got them. I adopted a six year old and he also said he could not attach to us.</p><p></p><p>You could not have made up for the first five or six years, the time when deep bonds are formed. Probably nothing you tried could have helped. Your wife tried and it didnt work. We tried and this child we adopted at six has been totally gone for about fifteen years. That is attachment disorder. They can leave without pain od regret. This is more about the lack of our being around during their early years than what we did once they joined our families. Betting their early years were unstable with no primary caregiver. This is critical to the ability to attach. Babies need one loving consistent caregiver and if they dont have that they learn not to trust at a very young age. It changes the brain.</p><p></p><p>Genetics matter too. But that is more about how they will turn out as far as personality and strong/weak spots than if they will attach. Also any substances mom ingested while pregnant can and usually does cause big problems. BIG.</p><p></p><p>I tell others who ask about adoption to adopt infants and not older kids unless they can handle poor attachment...or none. My baby adoptions are terrific kids. Very attached and close to us. Now grown and doing well.</p><p></p><p>The 5 and 6 year old adoptees were out of your hands, even before you met them. And my hands too with six year old. We wanted to adopt an older boy to give love to a child who had a rough start in life and was less likely to find a home. What we found is that love is not enough for older kids who never felt attachment in infancy. Our son got tons of love and attention, but it didnt help him to attach.</p><p></p><p>It took me years to recover from my childs disappearance. Lots of therapy. Learned everything available about unattached children and adults.</p><p></p><p>Now I enjoy my hub and four adult kids who love us. It was a lost cause with Goneboy before we even met him. Too much damage. He grew up in an orphanage in another country and had no parental figure.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 718523, member: 1550"] 5 and 6 years old. They likely had attachment disorder when you got them. I adopted a six year old and he also said he could not attach to us. You could not have made up for the first five or six years, the time when deep bonds are formed. Probably nothing you tried could have helped. Your wife tried and it didnt work. We tried and this child we adopted at six has been totally gone for about fifteen years. That is attachment disorder. They can leave without pain od regret. This is more about the lack of our being around during their early years than what we did once they joined our families. Betting their early years were unstable with no primary caregiver. This is critical to the ability to attach. Babies need one loving consistent caregiver and if they dont have that they learn not to trust at a very young age. It changes the brain. Genetics matter too. But that is more about how they will turn out as far as personality and strong/weak spots than if they will attach. Also any substances mom ingested while pregnant can and usually does cause big problems. BIG. I tell others who ask about adoption to adopt infants and not older kids unless they can handle poor attachment...or none. My baby adoptions are terrific kids. Very attached and close to us. Now grown and doing well. The 5 and 6 year old adoptees were out of your hands, even before you met them. And my hands too with six year old. We wanted to adopt an older boy to give love to a child who had a rough start in life and was less likely to find a home. What we found is that love is not enough for older kids who never felt attachment in infancy. Our son got tons of love and attention, but it didnt help him to attach. It took me years to recover from my childs disappearance. Lots of therapy. Learned everything available about unattached children and adults. Now I enjoy my hub and four adult kids who love us. It was a lost cause with Goneboy before we even met him. Too much damage. He grew up in an orphanage in another country and had no parental figure. [/QUOTE]
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