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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 439191" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Thanks Janet. It's good to hear about the success stories <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p>In relation to what you say about your son, I am a little confused about J. He is totally hyperactive, but in as far as school is concerned, he will sit still and concentrate on the things they do... When I went to pick him up from the after-school club tonight, he was sitting stock still in his chair playing bingo with the others (and the adult assistant) - they hadn't finished so I stayed for another 10 minutes until they did; he was totally still and totally concentrated on the game for all that time... So I don't quite know how that fits into the picture of ADHD.</p><p>I guess everyone thinks "Oh it would be so easy if..." And I think "Oh it would be so easy if my son were just hyperactive", like yours was. I think J is basically very sweet natured, but he does definitely have a violent, aggressive side - a lot of anger and pain in him, I think, doubtless related to the adoption also. And this is the part I find hardest with him - the outbursts of temper, the terrible things he will say when he is upset/thwarted - eg "I'm going to cut you!", "I'm going to tell Daddy you are horrible!", etc, etc. (which came out tonight)... So though he controls himself well these days in regard to being violent towards other children, I would be really fooling myself if I claimed he didn't have a mean bone in his body... </p><p>I definitely feel pressured by the living arrangements. The arrangements of the houses is such that all noise travels into my neighbours' house and vice versa. Because they are so judgemental and ghastly, spreading malicious gossip at the slightest opportunity, I feel paranoid about what they can "hear" of J's temper tantrums and outbursts... I know it's silly to care about what they think. But somewhere I do. And it makes me stressed and inhibited in my responses, feeling like it's all fuel for their spitting fire... I've even had to tell him they are not nice people, that they say to everyone he is naughty, and that he is not to play near their house - this is the only way to get him to understand and accept this (they complain bitterly about the supposed things he does when he is in their part of the territory). Not really the lesson I want him to learn about neighbourly relations.</p><p>It is DEFINITELY stressful raising a difficult child. Sometimes I think I am crazy to be attempting to do this on my own, when I actually have quite a lot of stressful reactions because of past experiences of my own... I feel it would be helpful for me to be talking to someone in relation to this and how it impacts on dealing with J. I feel stressed and provoked by his gfgness... all goes well when he is being co-operative and sunny, but that is not the constant picture... And then he picks up on my stress and it all gets worse... I sense he really, really wants affection and love through all his difficulty and sometimes it is just so damned hard to keep sight of that when he is being difficult and, in his own 4 year old way, abusive...</p><p>Just a bad night tonight because he was REALLY tired and, unusually for him, wouldn't sleep... the tireder he got, the most horrendous his behaviour.</p><p>And tomorrow is another day...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 439191, member: 11227"] Thanks Janet. It's good to hear about the success stories :) In relation to what you say about your son, I am a little confused about J. He is totally hyperactive, but in as far as school is concerned, he will sit still and concentrate on the things they do... When I went to pick him up from the after-school club tonight, he was sitting stock still in his chair playing bingo with the others (and the adult assistant) - they hadn't finished so I stayed for another 10 minutes until they did; he was totally still and totally concentrated on the game for all that time... So I don't quite know how that fits into the picture of ADHD. I guess everyone thinks "Oh it would be so easy if..." And I think "Oh it would be so easy if my son were just hyperactive", like yours was. I think J is basically very sweet natured, but he does definitely have a violent, aggressive side - a lot of anger and pain in him, I think, doubtless related to the adoption also. And this is the part I find hardest with him - the outbursts of temper, the terrible things he will say when he is upset/thwarted - eg "I'm going to cut you!", "I'm going to tell Daddy you are horrible!", etc, etc. (which came out tonight)... So though he controls himself well these days in regard to being violent towards other children, I would be really fooling myself if I claimed he didn't have a mean bone in his body... I definitely feel pressured by the living arrangements. The arrangements of the houses is such that all noise travels into my neighbours' house and vice versa. Because they are so judgemental and ghastly, spreading malicious gossip at the slightest opportunity, I feel paranoid about what they can "hear" of J's temper tantrums and outbursts... I know it's silly to care about what they think. But somewhere I do. And it makes me stressed and inhibited in my responses, feeling like it's all fuel for their spitting fire... I've even had to tell him they are not nice people, that they say to everyone he is naughty, and that he is not to play near their house - this is the only way to get him to understand and accept this (they complain bitterly about the supposed things he does when he is in their part of the territory). Not really the lesson I want him to learn about neighbourly relations. It is DEFINITELY stressful raising a difficult child. Sometimes I think I am crazy to be attempting to do this on my own, when I actually have quite a lot of stressful reactions because of past experiences of my own... I feel it would be helpful for me to be talking to someone in relation to this and how it impacts on dealing with J. I feel stressed and provoked by his gfgness... all goes well when he is being co-operative and sunny, but that is not the constant picture... And then he picks up on my stress and it all gets worse... I sense he really, really wants affection and love through all his difficulty and sometimes it is just so damned hard to keep sight of that when he is being difficult and, in his own 4 year old way, abusive... Just a bad night tonight because he was REALLY tired and, unusually for him, wouldn't sleep... the tireder he got, the most horrendous his behaviour. And tomorrow is another day... [/QUOTE]
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