Unique manipulating technique

[hexemaus2]

difficult child 1 is great at trying to manipulate people in terms of effort. In terms of technique, she's painting in water colors - its obvious and easy to see the paper underneath.

In the past, she's tried to get me to buy her a car by starting the coversation with "So-and-so said she heard you saying something about buying us (her and her husband) a car, but I knew they weren't telling the truth. I just wanted to make sure you knew what they were saying behind your back." Read as "I'm too chicken to come out and ask you to buy me a car because I know you're going to laugh your off at me. But there's no harm in planting a seed of an idea and see if you bite."

She brought up the subject of buying her a house with "easy child posted a status update, something about buying her a house. What's up with that?" Read as "I want to make sure I'm speaking to you this week so when you go out buying houses, I get mine." (The status update was an inside joke in reference to the car conversation. easy child said if I bought difficult child a car, I had to buy her a house because she's the "good kid" and thus warranted a bigger reward than anything difficult child 1 got. Even now, easy child will send me pictures of elaborate mansions with captions like "I think this is the one you should buy me when you finally go off the deep end.")

Last night, however, I just had to laugh at difficult child 1's latest attempt.

Keep in mind, I stopped speaking to difficult child 1 long ago. I've seen her once in the last year and a half, when she stopped here to get her ID. She tries, usually right around the holidays, to start a conversation under the guise of "I miss you. I love you, Mom. I'm sorry I'm a bad kid." when all she really wants is a spot on the gift list, to borrow money, to find out what the rest of the family is saying about her (and thus not putting her on their gift lists,) or whatever it is she needs/wants this week/month/season.

I guess she's figured out that the apology messages don't work, so she's trying something more creative.

I log into Facebook and see a status update from her. (As I've said before, we - the family - only keep her on there for the evidence she so easily gives us that keeps the grandbaby safe at my sister in law's.) In between status updates of party plans, general "my life sucks" whining, and other petty stuff, this strange status update shows:

"Not a dam 1 of yal kno y she did wht she did. so unless u do, u have no ryt 2 say a thing ab her. she is a wonderful mother & she is jus tryin 2 teach me ilyher!"

I had to read it two or three times to understand what she was trying to say. If text message-style status updates give you a headache (they do for me) then here's the translation:

"Not a **** one of ya'll know why she did what she did. So unless you do, you have no right to say a thing about her. She is a wonderful mother and she is just trying to teach me."

I couldn't understand what she was talking about. It was completely random. Apparently, her friends didn't get it either. They asked what in the world she was talking about, so I knew it wasn't a "real" response to anything anyone had said - at least not on FB. She explained in later comments that she was talking about me.

Oh, I think to myself. I get it now. She's hoping I'll respond out of curiousity to find out what "other people" are saying about me that's so awful.

Ha! I gotta give her credit for creativity. Definitely a more unique approach than "I love you, Mom. I'm sorry" since that's obviously not working.

I think she must have me mistaken for one of her pals. Us grown ups don't bite the "people are saying horrid things about you" drama hook. Especially not in such a public place as Facebook.

But I had to laugh and share. I've lost my place (for this week) as the Demon Mother of Doom. I'm now, apparently, Saint Mom again...until she sees she's not on the gift list again this year. lol.

Is it wrong that I find this kind of stuff humorous? Shouldn't I feel horrible that my difficult child 1 is trying soooo hard to get me to speak to her and I'm laughing instead?

Nah. It's too comical not to laugh. Does she REALLY think people fall for this ****?

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I swear Hex I think you have a carbon copy of my difficult child!!!!!!!!! I am so astonished at the similarities, stunned. LMAO. Wow, huh?

 

[hexemaus2]

I think they secretly conspire to drive us nuts. Like Peirs Anthony's "adult conspiracy," but for difficult children! It's the "difficult child conspiracy." lol.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I have already prewarned mine not to show up on my doorstep expecting some magical Christmas because it is not happening. She has managed to screw up at my mother's, has made life a living hell for my family up north. She has managed to ruin her cousin's relationship with her boyfriend. I mean, my goodness!!!! So, she has arranged to live with a friend down here and off she goes. I will not support her or help her again in any way until she is ready for rehab. Ugh.

 

[toughlovin]

I just love your easy child sending you pictures of mansions for when you go off the deep end. It so helps when you can keep the humor, and I think it especially helps easy child's if they get the humor too.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I love it. The FB drama is amusing sometimes, isn't it? Sometimes they purposely post stuff for us to see, other times, they forget we're "watching." ;-) My favorite is when Oldest will call me claiming to be sick, but I know via FB that she was out partying hard the night before, and she's not sick, she's just hungover. Or, she claims to be broke, but again, I know she had money for her posted escapades on FB. Ha!

 

[hexemaus2]

I just love your easy child sending you pictures of mansions for when you go off the deep end. It so helps when you can keep the humor, and I think it especially helps easy child's if they get the humor too.

Yes, humor definitely helps. easy child's hubby has said I need to hurry up and go off the deep end, buy them a stellar mansion, a new sports car, oh, and buy him out of the Army, too, 'cause I'm good like that. lol. I told him I can't do that for them yet - they haven't reached the 100k mark for therapy bills, stolen enough money from me, called me in the middle of the night for bail money or a ride home from the ER, and they still have custody of their child, therefore they are ineligible for such bonus entitlement packages. lol.

easy child takes such a lighthearted approach to all of this, although she wants to cause bodily injury to her sister for all the pain she's caused. That's why she refuses to referr to difficult child 1 as her sister. Instead, she calls her "my mother's other daughter." According to easy child, difficult child 1 must be a decent, responsible human being for a minimum of one year before she earns her sister title back. In the meantime, she tries her best to make light of a bad situation and find the humor where she can.

Sometimes you just gotta laugh. The alternative is too darn depressing.

 

[Hound dog]

I know you don't go out of your way to talk to difficult child.................but I'd be sorely tempted to respond to the post with a Thank you, love you too. Just to get her gall. lol

At least the manipulation is so transparent you have no issues falling for it. Katie tries......as does her husband.........both are miserable at it. They both are frustrated as it doesn't work with me or the rest of the family. You'd think they'd figure it out....but they never seem to see that it doesn't work so give it up already. sigh

 

[toughlovin]

The trying to send messages via something like FB is interesting and sometimes amusing. A while ago, while difficult child was out of the house but before he went to jail, he was obviously mad at me about something. He had recently asked my easy child to be friends on FB although would not be friends with me. So there was some minor communication between them and they could see each others wall. Then he got mad at me and put this horrible message up about me in which he said something about how he knew I was reading it. It was pretty vile. My easy child showed it to me and then promptly unfriended him. I kind of didn't want her to because seeing his FB gave me a glimpse into what he was doing.... but my easy child said I am not going to be friends with someone who talks about my mother like that!!! Good point, she was right, and good for her for being clear when I wasn't. Thats the thing sometime our easy child children are clearer about our difficult children than we are..... maybe because they are not their parents?

 

[susiestar]

toughlovin- as the sister and the mother of a difficult child (not the same difficult child, of course. We may live in OK but I am NOT my own Gma, lol!), it is MUCH easier to see the situation clearly from the sister perspective. I don't know why, but it really is.

hex, WOW! Your difficult child is really terrible at manipulation!! Wiz is a LOT better than she is! I just hope he never decides to give lessons. joking, but only a bit, Know what I mean?? When Wiz was older it was only the fear of what I would do that kept him from reporting things to CPS. I told him from when he was little that if he called to say I was abusing him then he best be packed and ready to leave because he was leaving with the investigator - cause if I didn't abuse him before the call I might after. He also wouldn't have a place in our home again unless it was proven that abuse really happened. IF it was true, he would get help with us and live with us, if it was for any other reason, bye, enjoy your new family! He believed me. I actually had a friend who works for CPS suggest that warning to my kids. She saw a LOT of parents put through the ringer of false accusations so she did this with her own kids, and so did several of ehr coworkers.

I am really amazed at how terrible your difficult child's attempts at manipulation are!!! ANd that they have not changed in years - you would think she would see they don't work and get better, woulcn't you? Trust a difficult child to not even get parental manipulation right, LOL!

Your easy child is AWESOME!! I love the pics of mansions AND the "other daughter" approach! in my opinion very healthy ways to handle a tough situation!

 

[Fran]

Aren't kids just so much fun?
My easy child will occasionally do something like that. "I can't make anyone happy, I'm such a Loser". Sheesh. I don't respond publicly but I do e mail and tell him to "man up and stop whining". (mean mom)
They are creative though. If only they used their intelligence for good instead of manipulation just imagine what she could accomplish.

My boys know I don't care one whit what others are saying. I was humbled by difficult child early on so they can say what they want. That particular manipulation doesn't work too well. It's all their fault for once.

I try to not read their fb too often. I tend to want to parent instead of ignoring what they say or do.

 

[rejectedmom]

in my humble opinion manipulation should be dealt with by ignoring it and not acknowledging it in any way (whenever possible). Our difficult child's thrive on attention. Whether negative attention or positive attention it doesn't matter as long as the focus is on them. Conversely, a lack of attention?...well that usually gets theirs. -RM

 

[hexemaus2]

Susiestar, I had the same response for difficult child 1 when she tried the "I'm going to call DFCS!" bit.

The first time, I told her if she called, she might want to keep in mind that it takes about 7 minutes for the cops to show up. If I was going to go to jail, get put through the wringer with DFCS, and have my name besmerched, I would make darn sure that in that 7 minutes, they'd have a reason for it. If she was willing to endure a jail-worthy beating for 7 minutes, then by all means, let me make that call for you. (Thank Heavens she never called my bluff on it. I don't think I would have stopped at 7 minutes. lol. Just kidding.)

The second time, I called her bluff. I called the officers out. I took her outside to meet them, told them she felt she was being abused, then brought them inside to see her room - the cleaning of which she had told me was "your lazy- job, not mine." Rather than cleaning it, she had herself a little tyraid, pulling down bookshelves, etc. It looked like a tornado hit just her room. The officer turned to her, pulled her off to the side, and explained a few rules of life to her. He then turned her around, showed her I could (and should) spank her as often as I felt necessary from "here to here" (indicating her waistline to the bottom of her butt) so long as by the time they arrived there were no marks. He even went so far as to tell me that when I was ready, to give him a call (as he handed me his card) and he would hold her down for me to ensure I didn't accidentally miss. All the other officer said to her was "Be darn glad you aren't my kid. You'd never have a chance to insult your mother like that in my house."

The sad thing? difficult child 1 was convinced that from that point on I had the ENTIRE police department brainwashed against her. Hmmm...

When she was pregnant, before we moved, she was upset that I banned her new/replacement boyfriend from our house. (Long story short, he had a criminal history.) Her response was to sneak out her bedroom window and walk up to the police station to report me for neglect. (We were in the midst of our move, so I had switched her ob/gyn. The soonest appointment was going to be 2 weeks later than her normal monthly check up with the old ob/gyn. The 6 weeks between visits was the basis for "neglect" in her eyes. I wasn't making sure she had MONTHLY check ups. Ugh.) She got a rather rude awakening when rather than getting ME in trouble, she got the baby's father arrested and got herself charged with fornication because she admitted to the police that she was 16, having sex with a 19 year old and had been doing so since she was 15 & he was 18.

You'd think after all this time, she'd have figured out that trying to get me in trouble for being a responsible Mom would only backfire. Nope. It just solidified her belief that I had the police force brainwashed.

Maybe someday, she'll learn.

 

[Star*]

My response on FB would be -

UR Right. I am a good Mom and I will continue to teach her these lessons as long as she is alive. Matter of fact just to prove my point there will be no no car, no new house and NO Christmas presents under the tree for you this year. I know you will appreciate that someday sweetie. Love YOU - Mom.

 

[susiestar]

Hex, I LOVE the part about her going to the police while preg and getting him arrested and herself into trouble at the same time!! I didn't know they charged anyone with fornication anymore, lol!!

You are just one super awesome role model of a Warrior Mom, you police department brainwasher!!!

 

[dashcat]

My difficult child is a master maniuplator. If you don't know her - and sometimes even if you do - you can be sucked into the vortex without ever knowing what hit you.

She pulled a good one today. We had tickets to see Billy Elliot (by the way - it was amazing!!!) - my niece had scored them for $25 ea and she, difficult child, and her son were going. Because we are all short on cash for fun things - my niece esp - I told her I'd make dinner and bring it over before the show,rather than go to a restaurant. When I talked to difficult child last night I said "I have photo shoot at 4:00 and we have to leave for L's no later than 5:00, so I'll pick you up at 3:30 (she's at her dad's two blocks away). You can shower and get ready here if you want". I text her this morning - something funny & inconsequential ... no reply. At 12:30, while my basement is flooding and my toilet is exploding (I'm not kidding), she texts me "Hey mom! I'm at Bryan's (boyfriend of two weeks, but at least she met him in real life!), you can pick me up at 3:00 so you won't be late for your job". Bryan lives 1/2 hour away.

Uh. No. Nope. So I call and leave a VM - because OF COURSE she's not going to answer her phone and say "You'll need to get back on your own steam - basement is flooding, toilet is geyersring and I can't carve an hour out of this day". No reply until X calls around 3:00. He wonders why I am refusing to pick her up. I explain and he tells me he'd told her not to go to boyfriend's in the first place. She has left out the part about not telling me until she got there and now she expects him to leave work and get her. He was kind enough to be thinking about me having bought the ticket and was willing to help - until he heard my side. We agree to let her either figure it out or miss the show.

She doesn't get that I can't come later - and neglect to feed my niece and her son. I had their dinner! She tells me Bryan can't get a car until 6:00 - at which point I cheerfully say "Well, then, Bryan can drive you to the theater. The show is at 8:00. You have plenty of time!!! (the theater is 1.5 hours from his home, but who cares?)

Then - and only then - does Bryan's dad's car magically appear and he gets her back in the nick of time.

Sigh.

Then, when I point out that she cannot expect me to pick her up in a location 1/2 hour - one way - from where I expected to pick her up, she says, with completely believable sincerity "Wow, I honestly never thought of that. I'll ask next time." Right.

Sigh, sigh, sigh...

Dash