unraveling thoughts

[Steely]

Thanks for listening to me, as I try to put on paper what is running through my head. Sometimes my head just seems to get cloudy with feelings, emotions, events, and I need to write it down. You guys are the best listeners in my life - so thanks for lending an ear.

I realize that appx every 6 months I have had a top five stressor in my life for the last 30 months - but sometimes I forget how that has impacted me. I think I go on about my normal life, forgetting the series of events in the last 3 years - until it reaches up and slaps me in the face with its reality.

In March of 2007 my Dad was diagnosis with a glioma blastoma - brain cancer. They gave him 6 months to live. H. flew down, and it was an intense, agonizing, horrible ordeal as he underwent brain surgery and chemo, etc.

Six months later, Sept of 07, his cancer was into full remission. Then my grandmother died, my mom's mom.

Six months later, Feb 2008, H. went missing for 2 weeks and was found dead. That was another horrible intense ordeal, obviously, as you all know all the details, and how that has impacted me in such a deep, deep way.

Six months after that, a year ago, Matt tried to kill himself, and knocked me to the ground in a rage. I knew I had to send him away to get help, and that I would never live with him again. He went through a hospitalization and 2 programs out of state, until I found the program in ID where he currently is. During this whole year I was being harrassed and targeted at work.

Four months ago I filed a formal complaint with the company I was at, left, and took this job in nowhere AZ. And so here I find myself, pretty content - but sometimes overcome with such intense PTSD that I cannot breathe. There are not any counselors here, I would have drive 2 hours to see one - so I find myself trying to write and process this stuff the best way I can. I did see a counselor for 7 years in Dallas, so I know in my head, what she would say.

My parents are visiting me this week in AZ and I find myself quite haunted by the last 3 years. My dad's cancer is still in remission, but the scar tissue on his brain is growing and causing him to have very difficult child-ish behaviors. He is developing anxieties and fears he has never had before, and becoming a bit Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and depressed. My mom is also suffering with depression from all of these events that have so dramatically affected our lives these last 3 years. My mom wants to retire, and live life before my dad dies - and he does not. It is very difficult to watch and every 5 mintues I want to call H and tell her about it - and ask her what we are going to do - and then I remember I can't.

I don't know. I guess I just needed to write down the reality of what has really happened in the last years to help me not feel like I am crazy when I get anxious or upset - or overreact to something. My parents have seemed to trigger every feeling possible - and I hate it. And of course, as it always happens with a difficult child (they have such impeccable timing) Matt calls yesterday and had had the worst day he has had in 6 months.

I seriously want to run away and not be the only daughter left to care for my aging parents - and not be the only parent that Matt has or ever will have. I just want to run, run, run - into my desert - and be free from all these huge, burdens. But I can't. I am the one, and only. The best I can do for now, is hike into my desert and hide for awhile - which is certainly more than I have ever had before.

Thanks guys.
Steely

 

[Lothlorien]

Have you ever thought of writing this down, regularly? Compile your thoughts and emotions and write a book? Even if you don't publish it, it could be very therapeutic for you. If you did publish it, it could be therapeutic for others.

 

[AnnieO]

Steely - I think Loth has a wonderful idea... Many of your posts have already helped me to look at things from a different perspective. It could be very cathartic for you, and possibly others.

Besides, you write very well!

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

 

[susiestar]

I feel honored to be in the group of friends who listens to you. You so often have ideas or ways of stating things that make entire issues seem clearer for me.

I think writing these down is a good idea - and problem what your therapist would suggest!

Even if you write them down here, share them, and then copy them into an email for yourself, you would have gotten them down, gotten that connection with us, and have a pretty good journal of all that is going on and has gone on in your life. If you ever decided to publish you could just pull the old emails and be ten steps ahead.

I do think that your work would be great as a book.

I am so glad you have the desert to hike in. You sound more at peace there.

Many hugs.

 

[Steely]

You guys are too kind. Thank you for the compliments. Actually, I have written half of a book. 150 pages of my life from 16-27. Then I got to when Matthew was 4, and the whole world of parenting a difficult child just seemed to daunting to tackle. It was so painful to write about, I had to put the pen down. Interestingly, that is also when my dad got sick, and the last 30 months of drama occurred. So it has been now 3 years since I have "written".

One of my main goals in moving out to the middle of the desert, was to write in the solace of nature. I knew summer was not ideal because my career is in a seasonal industry, where summer is like a 6 month Christmas. Once fall approaches I will be able to have time to write, I hope.

Although 150 pages seems long for only 9 years of my life - it was the most cathartic thing I could have ever done to heal the pain of those years. There were some tragic events that happened - and yet now that I have put them to paper - they do not hold their power over me like they use to. That is why I know I have to put the rest of my life on paper. I discovered the power of the pen

Anyway. Thanks again for listening. This is the last night with my parents - and it is sad - but I am also glad. They have worn on me, as much as I love them. Matthew comes next week, so it should be the same scenario. As much as you love them, you are glad to see them go.

 

[Abbey]

Join the pen club...actually, I prefer pencil.

Abbey

 

[everywoman]

You know Steely---PTSD is a strange beast--like a snake, it lays waiting in the grass, and as soon as you feel comfortable enough to take your shoes off, the rattling begins--and you're not sure if it's a snake or the grass crunching beneath your feet, so to feel safe, you put your shoes back on and keep walking. My goal is to be able to walk barefoot through the rest of my life, but I will always have shoes in my hands, just in case.

 

[KTMom91]

Hugs.

 

[WhymeMom?]

If you had a good relationship with your former therapist could you arrange a skype session with her/him? Distance doesn't necessarily mean you have to find a new therapist in this day and age........ just a thought...