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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 703487" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I'm sorry this is happening, Albatross. I would look into forcing treatment, but only in a facility I had researched and that has an excellent aftercare program and that I believed in. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Working day labor sounds like a good plan.</p><p> </p><p>Albatross, do you know what your son would need to be saying and doing before you could help with a full heart? Recovering Enabler posted to me once that we know we are enabling when we resent the help we give. It was very hard for us, but using Recovering's words as our standard for recognizing when we were enabling, we resolved to stop enabling. Holding a picture of what we needed to see or hear from our son before we would help helped us survive not helping ~ but it was still very hard. When we did talk to our son, that picture we held in our heads of what we would need to see from our son before we would help helped us know how to frame the conversation from our end. If your son is framing the conversation, you will hear that he is cold and hungry and hurt, and you will feel somehow responsible for those things. As I see it, the issue isn't that your son has no choice. What this is about is that of all the myriad choices he has, your son chooses this lifestyle. It may be that the challenges he faces now will make him determined to take his life in a different direction. With Recovering's admonition regarding enabling firmly in mind, that is how I would reframe the conversation with my son. It helped me to remember there are nineteen year old soldiers in the world very far from home who are also cold, but who are not calling home and breaking their mothers' hearts. It helped me so much to remember that. I cut a picture of soldiers out of the newspaper and taped it near the phone. (This was before cellphones.) <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/smile.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":smile:" title="smile :smile:" data-shortname=":smile:" /> Regarding the question of a bus ticket...would you resent sending the ticket? Then, don't send it. Give only what you can give from a full heart. The ugliness of enabling is that it turns those we believe we are helping into beggars who know that if the story gets bad enough, we will help. And the story always got bad enough and then, it got worse. I learned to say: "I'm sorry this is happening. I wouldn't even know where to begin. What are you going to do?" Or, "You are strong and bright and this is what you wanted and I know you will be fine." I learned to always say "I love you." Whether he sneered or hung up or whatever else he did, I said those words right out loud because that is what is true: I do love him. And that is the only thing I know, for sure. It helped me to do something good for someone else's child in my child's name. Everything about this is so hard, Albatross. You are stronger than you know. I was stronger than I knew, too. There was no magic bullet, but we are coming through it. Carefully and conscientiously tend to your own and D H emotional health. It's like what they say about plane crashes. Put on your own oxygen mask first. Then, when he is ready, you will be able to help in a meaningful way.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I say, yes. Until he is ready, there is so little you can do. Has he applied for Social Services? Is there a homeless shelter where he is? Direct him to those resources. To Salvation Army for a bus ticket. The thing is that someone in any one of those organizations ~ someone who is not his parent ~ may be able to help him set his feet on a different path. That is the true benefit of sending our wayward kids to helping agencies. The kids have to look at where they've taken their lives. When they are talking to us, the kids are blaming us for where they've taken their lives. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs for you and your D H, Albatross.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 703487, member: 17461"] I'm sorry this is happening, Albatross. I would look into forcing treatment, but only in a facility I had researched and that has an excellent aftercare program and that I believed in. Working day labor sounds like a good plan. Albatross, do you know what your son would need to be saying and doing before you could help with a full heart? Recovering Enabler posted to me once that we know we are enabling when we resent the help we give. It was very hard for us, but using Recovering's words as our standard for recognizing when we were enabling, we resolved to stop enabling. Holding a picture of what we needed to see or hear from our son before we would help helped us survive not helping ~ but it was still very hard. When we did talk to our son, that picture we held in our heads of what we would need to see from our son before we would help helped us know how to frame the conversation from our end. If your son is framing the conversation, you will hear that he is cold and hungry and hurt, and you will feel somehow responsible for those things. As I see it, the issue isn't that your son has no choice. What this is about is that of all the myriad choices he has, your son chooses this lifestyle. It may be that the challenges he faces now will make him determined to take his life in a different direction. With Recovering's admonition regarding enabling firmly in mind, that is how I would reframe the conversation with my son. It helped me to remember there are nineteen year old soldiers in the world very far from home who are also cold, but who are not calling home and breaking their mothers' hearts. It helped me so much to remember that. I cut a picture of soldiers out of the newspaper and taped it near the phone. (This was before cellphones.) :smile: Regarding the question of a bus ticket...would you resent sending the ticket? Then, don't send it. Give only what you can give from a full heart. The ugliness of enabling is that it turns those we believe we are helping into beggars who know that if the story gets bad enough, we will help. And the story always got bad enough and then, it got worse. I learned to say: "I'm sorry this is happening. I wouldn't even know where to begin. What are you going to do?" Or, "You are strong and bright and this is what you wanted and I know you will be fine." I learned to always say "I love you." Whether he sneered or hung up or whatever else he did, I said those words right out loud because that is what is true: I do love him. And that is the only thing I know, for sure. It helped me to do something good for someone else's child in my child's name. Everything about this is so hard, Albatross. You are stronger than you know. I was stronger than I knew, too. There was no magic bullet, but we are coming through it. Carefully and conscientiously tend to your own and D H emotional health. It's like what they say about plane crashes. Put on your own oxygen mask first. Then, when he is ready, you will be able to help in a meaningful way. I say, yes. Until he is ready, there is so little you can do. Has he applied for Social Services? Is there a homeless shelter where he is? Direct him to those resources. To Salvation Army for a bus ticket. The thing is that someone in any one of those organizations ~ someone who is not his parent ~ may be able to help him set his feet on a different path. That is the true benefit of sending our wayward kids to helping agencies. The kids have to look at where they've taken their lives. When they are talking to us, the kids are blaming us for where they've taken their lives. Warm hugs for you and your D H, Albatross. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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