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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 703552" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Albatross. I am sorry for the pain of this--the churning self-doubt, fear and confusion.</p><p>But he saw to it that he found help. Baker acting himself--that phrase is not used in my State--but my son has done this several times. Gotten himself out of a situation where he felt vulnerable or unsafe by going to the emergency ward of a hospital, and getting admitted for psychiatric reasons, as being unsafe, psychologically.</p><p></p><p>I do not support this, crisis management scheme of my son. To force my insurance or Medicaid to pay $6000 instead of planning ahead, or taking responsibility. Or G-d forbid, changing.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is, your son saved himself. He may have exercised the bad, bad judgment that got him into the situation, but he got himself out.</p><p> I am always making goals for my son. Writing down objectives. Conditions. Requirements. The major source of conflict between us, the 3 of us, is dissonance between what we want and what my son wants. Guess who wins?</p><p></p><p>And I never, ever learn.</p><p></p><p>Now the interesting thing is that I feel that it is my son <em>who never learns. But really, it is me.</em> As long as I hold onto a dichotomous view of life--my son's life--in my insistence that he live by my terms, I lose every single time. And I am held hostage, too. To him.</p><p></p><p>I do not feel resentment. I feel anger. Frustration. Helplessness. Sadness. Him? Probably the same things with ME.</p><p></p><p>What I am learning is that this is not a dichotomous, zero sum game world, in which we are living with my child--or yours. Ceding. Living from my love. Telling my son why I suffer and go nuts: <em>You are the love of my life. Do you understand why I suffer and worry you are cold? Because I am there with you.</em></p><p></p><p>I tell him the truth, of who I am and what I am. I give up my anger, and learn to let it go. Hard. Hard. Hard. But surprisingly easy, if I practice it.</p><p></p><p>December 1, M and I have decided to enforce a drug test. I am beside myself that this will force my to take the action of ejecting him from a property I own. Because we have said over and over again: <em>If you use marijuana or any other drug, you will have to leave.</em> We have no other option. We have cornered ourselves. We see no other way.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is he is smoking way, way less. He is less and less oriented towards street influence, and more towards us. Really, I do not know what I will do. And honestly, I do not know what M will do. We are adamant. But then we are not. There are no rules here. As everybody else says.</p><p></p><p>I see your son as having acted constructively and destructively. He is trying to help himself, according to what he knows and who he is now.</p><p></p><p>Does that give us a guidebook to decide what to do? No. But it gives us a place to stand in ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Albatross, beneath your resentment, right, right underneath is fear and love and hope. The resentment is a cover story, because the fear is so great. That is what I think. You can scratch away the resentment, so easily. Just like the scratch stuff on a Lotto Ticket. The analogy fits for me. When I can scratch away the anger, I find my great love. And from that I know what to do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 703552, member: 18958"] Hi Albatross. I am sorry for the pain of this--the churning self-doubt, fear and confusion. But he saw to it that he found help. Baker acting himself--that phrase is not used in my State--but my son has done this several times. Gotten himself out of a situation where he felt vulnerable or unsafe by going to the emergency ward of a hospital, and getting admitted for psychiatric reasons, as being unsafe, psychologically. I do not support this, crisis management scheme of my son. To force my insurance or Medicaid to pay $6000 instead of planning ahead, or taking responsibility. Or G-d forbid, changing. But the thing is, your son saved himself. He may have exercised the bad, bad judgment that got him into the situation, but he got himself out. I am always making goals for my son. Writing down objectives. Conditions. Requirements. The major source of conflict between us, the 3 of us, is dissonance between what we want and what my son wants. Guess who wins? And I never, ever learn. Now the interesting thing is that I feel that it is my son [I]who never learns. But really, it is me.[/I] As long as I hold onto a dichotomous view of life--my son's life--in my insistence that he live by my terms, I lose every single time. And I am held hostage, too. To him. I do not feel resentment. I feel anger. Frustration. Helplessness. Sadness. Him? Probably the same things with ME. What I am learning is that this is not a dichotomous, zero sum game world, in which we are living with my child--or yours. Ceding. Living from my love. Telling my son why I suffer and go nuts: [I]You are the love of my life. Do you understand why I suffer and worry you are cold? Because I am there with you.[/I] I tell him the truth, of who I am and what I am. I give up my anger, and learn to let it go. Hard. Hard. Hard. But surprisingly easy, if I practice it. December 1, M and I have decided to enforce a drug test. I am beside myself that this will force my to take the action of ejecting him from a property I own. Because we have said over and over again: [I]If you use marijuana or any other drug, you will have to leave.[/I] We have no other option. We have cornered ourselves. We see no other way. But the thing is he is smoking way, way less. He is less and less oriented towards street influence, and more towards us. Really, I do not know what I will do. And honestly, I do not know what M will do. We are adamant. But then we are not. There are no rules here. As everybody else says. I see your son as having acted constructively and destructively. He is trying to help himself, according to what he knows and who he is now. Does that give us a guidebook to decide what to do? No. But it gives us a place to stand in ourselves. Albatross, beneath your resentment, right, right underneath is fear and love and hope. The resentment is a cover story, because the fear is so great. That is what I think. You can scratch away the resentment, so easily. Just like the scratch stuff on a Lotto Ticket. The analogy fits for me. When I can scratch away the anger, I find my great love. And from that I know what to do. [/QUOTE]
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