Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Update and More Advice Please
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 704004" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I have been thinking about this, this morning, especially since M told my son to leave, even the other house where he has been staying rent free. (I am posting a new thread about this right now.)</p><p></p><p>I am thinking, though, about the spirituality involved from our son's perspective. I really, really do not know what to think about this. I can think about the spiritual director I am speaking to, asked me:</p><p></p><p>If I can think of a way to not fight. To not fight my son, to not fight life.</p><p></p><p>With M, I had been moderately successful with this. I had learned to cede to him in order to avoid corrosive fighting that was damaging to each of us.</p><p></p><p>But recently with M, I was growing tired of ceding. I felt he was invalidating me, needing to dominate, to win. And I felt giving him to him I was losing my voice. That I was allowing myself to become a weaker person. </p><p></p><p>So, I began to try to quietly tell him when I felt that way. (Unsuccessfully. Because he experienced this was a way to either martyr myself or to dominate him!)</p><p></p><p>Well, what to do? I did buy a book, called I think "You can't talk to me that way" by a linguist, now deceased, Suzette Elgin, an 8 step approach to sticking up for yourself in a non-confrontational way. To have voice, but avoid conflict.</p><p></p><p>There has got to be a way to have presence and voice without it being adversarial. </p><p></p><p>Now, the only thing I can think of is that I take personally M's nonsense. That somehow when he begins to speak from a know it all way--against what I say--that I somehow give him credence and undermine myself, and speak up from the need to disprove a negative.</p><p></p><p>Big mistake. I saw last night that to engage in this with M is pure idiocy. He began to tell me basically how stupid was my idea about ceiling fans, and how wrong I was about some other thing--and by the end of the conversation, he was spouting my exact point of view, insisting that was what he had said!</p><p></p><p>So there has got to be something about my delivery that I have to begin taking responsibility. Or my owning of others' issues, attitudes (negative)--and needing to defend.</p><p></p><p>In each of these ways, I am exhibiting boundary issues, and I am also exhibiting control issues--because I am not responsible for M's dominance or M's attitude, or his ideas or anything else related to him. Only what happens inside of me, that I act from.</p><p></p><p>And I am wondering if this is the issue with my son, too. He too tries to hold me responsible for everything. While he does just what he wants to do. </p><p></p><p>I am not a g-d. Nobody is. I cannot take responsibility for one thing any other adult person does or does not do.</p><p></p><p>The same is true for my son. He cannot assume tolerance from anybody. He cannot accept refuge from anybody he disrespects. To take from others, who offer with good will, and to mock them by subterfuge and deceit is to do wrong. There are spiritual consequences to this. By trying to absolve him from those consequences by continuing to take them away, is to play g-d.</p><p></p><p>Oh, why or why does this have to be so hard? Can somebody please tell me?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 704004, member: 18958"] I have been thinking about this, this morning, especially since M told my son to leave, even the other house where he has been staying rent free. (I am posting a new thread about this right now.) I am thinking, though, about the spirituality involved from our son's perspective. I really, really do not know what to think about this. I can think about the spiritual director I am speaking to, asked me: If I can think of a way to not fight. To not fight my son, to not fight life. With M, I had been moderately successful with this. I had learned to cede to him in order to avoid corrosive fighting that was damaging to each of us. But recently with M, I was growing tired of ceding. I felt he was invalidating me, needing to dominate, to win. And I felt giving him to him I was losing my voice. That I was allowing myself to become a weaker person. So, I began to try to quietly tell him when I felt that way. (Unsuccessfully. Because he experienced this was a way to either martyr myself or to dominate him!) Well, what to do? I did buy a book, called I think "You can't talk to me that way" by a linguist, now deceased, Suzette Elgin, an 8 step approach to sticking up for yourself in a non-confrontational way. To have voice, but avoid conflict. There has got to be a way to have presence and voice without it being adversarial. Now, the only thing I can think of is that I take personally M's nonsense. That somehow when he begins to speak from a know it all way--against what I say--that I somehow give him credence and undermine myself, and speak up from the need to disprove a negative. Big mistake. I saw last night that to engage in this with M is pure idiocy. He began to tell me basically how stupid was my idea about ceiling fans, and how wrong I was about some other thing--and by the end of the conversation, he was spouting my exact point of view, insisting that was what he had said! So there has got to be something about my delivery that I have to begin taking responsibility. Or my owning of others' issues, attitudes (negative)--and needing to defend. In each of these ways, I am exhibiting boundary issues, and I am also exhibiting control issues--because I am not responsible for M's dominance or M's attitude, or his ideas or anything else related to him. Only what happens inside of me, that I act from. And I am wondering if this is the issue with my son, too. He too tries to hold me responsible for everything. While he does just what he wants to do. I am not a g-d. Nobody is. I cannot take responsibility for one thing any other adult person does or does not do. The same is true for my son. He cannot assume tolerance from anybody. He cannot accept refuge from anybody he disrespects. To take from others, who offer with good will, and to mock them by subterfuge and deceit is to do wrong. There are spiritual consequences to this. By trying to absolve him from those consequences by continuing to take them away, is to play g-d. Oh, why or why does this have to be so hard? Can somebody please tell me? [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Update and More Advice Please
Top