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Update -Can't take one more minute-long
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 80182" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Cheryl, hang in there. And don't take it all so personally - your son is not like this merely to get at you. When the psychiatrist says you might be making his meltdowns worse, this isn't necessarily an issue of blame. I don't think blame comes into it, in this situation. I mean, it's not as if you are TRYING to make him worse? But sometimes we do, simply because the way we parent our kids, although it would be just right for most kids, is wrong for OUR kid. And it's not exactly written on their foreheads in letters of fire, so we stumble along, trying to work it out. I do accept that husband & I were making difficult child 3 worse, in the way we handled him. He is our fourth child, of course we were sure we knew what to do by number four - but not so. We've found better ways now, and when I look back to how we handled difficult child 1, I cringe inside because we got it so wrong. But how could we know? We thought we were doing it right. This is NOT about blame, it's about finding something that works. And a BIG part of what you need as a family, is for you to get your stress under control. I know it's easier said than done, but if you're less stressed, you'll be better equipped to sort out how to handle difficult child more effectively. Frankly, I'd be taking myself to a weekend retreat somewhere and leaving difficult child with husband to sort him out. I wonder if the grandparents would help out then? (I'm very naughty sometimes)</p><p></p><p>I think it's unfortunate this seemed like blame, to both you and husband. HE needs to realise that it's not helpful to simply sit back and criticise you, without rolling up his shirtsleeves and giving you a hand. As for the grandparents - it sounds like he's beyond them being able to help, too. Don't be angry with them - they're much more likely to be set in their ways and hence more likely to NOT be able to help a kid who needs a different touch.</p><p></p><p>I remember when my in-laws offered to take the kids for me and husband, so we could have a weekend to ourselves in the city, to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I can't even remember which number it was - 17, I think. We were in constant touch over the phone, they had the phone number of our motel also. But although things went moderately well for them, they did tell us on our return that they wouldn't be able to do that for us ever again - they were just too tired. And this was before we had difficult child 3.</p><p>We were disappointed with the news that they would no longer mind the kids, but not surprised.</p><p></p><p>My sister's son is not speaking to her these days because she refuses to take all his kids at once. He has 7 kids. My nephew and his wife wanted grandma to take all the kids so they could have a holiday for a week. My sister flatly refused - she's in her mid-sixties and lives in a tiny cottage with just enough room for her and one spare room. She said she could at a stretch take two kids for a week, and then swap and take another two, but can't manage more than two. Her son is angry that she "can't put herself out for her grandchildren" and insists that to take only some of the kids is going to be very discriminatory for the others, even if she DOES give them all equal grandma time over several holiday sessions. Mind you, she would have to take time off work to take the kids, too. So she would be giving up her holidays to mind her grandchildren but she is happy to do that, so she can see them. But all or nothing - can't be done. So he refuses to talk to her or visit, won't let her see the kids either. Very unhealthy.</p><p></p><p>I hope you can get some answers for you all soon, as a family. This about a lot more than just difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 80182, member: 1991"] Cheryl, hang in there. And don't take it all so personally - your son is not like this merely to get at you. When the psychiatrist says you might be making his meltdowns worse, this isn't necessarily an issue of blame. I don't think blame comes into it, in this situation. I mean, it's not as if you are TRYING to make him worse? But sometimes we do, simply because the way we parent our kids, although it would be just right for most kids, is wrong for OUR kid. And it's not exactly written on their foreheads in letters of fire, so we stumble along, trying to work it out. I do accept that husband & I were making difficult child 3 worse, in the way we handled him. He is our fourth child, of course we were sure we knew what to do by number four - but not so. We've found better ways now, and when I look back to how we handled difficult child 1, I cringe inside because we got it so wrong. But how could we know? We thought we were doing it right. This is NOT about blame, it's about finding something that works. And a BIG part of what you need as a family, is for you to get your stress under control. I know it's easier said than done, but if you're less stressed, you'll be better equipped to sort out how to handle difficult child more effectively. Frankly, I'd be taking myself to a weekend retreat somewhere and leaving difficult child with husband to sort him out. I wonder if the grandparents would help out then? (I'm very naughty sometimes) I think it's unfortunate this seemed like blame, to both you and husband. HE needs to realise that it's not helpful to simply sit back and criticise you, without rolling up his shirtsleeves and giving you a hand. As for the grandparents - it sounds like he's beyond them being able to help, too. Don't be angry with them - they're much more likely to be set in their ways and hence more likely to NOT be able to help a kid who needs a different touch. I remember when my in-laws offered to take the kids for me and husband, so we could have a weekend to ourselves in the city, to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I can't even remember which number it was - 17, I think. We were in constant touch over the phone, they had the phone number of our motel also. But although things went moderately well for them, they did tell us on our return that they wouldn't be able to do that for us ever again - they were just too tired. And this was before we had difficult child 3. We were disappointed with the news that they would no longer mind the kids, but not surprised. My sister's son is not speaking to her these days because she refuses to take all his kids at once. He has 7 kids. My nephew and his wife wanted grandma to take all the kids so they could have a holiday for a week. My sister flatly refused - she's in her mid-sixties and lives in a tiny cottage with just enough room for her and one spare room. She said she could at a stretch take two kids for a week, and then swap and take another two, but can't manage more than two. Her son is angry that she "can't put herself out for her grandchildren" and insists that to take only some of the kids is going to be very discriminatory for the others, even if she DOES give them all equal grandma time over several holiday sessions. Mind you, she would have to take time off work to take the kids, too. So she would be giving up her holidays to mind her grandchildren but she is happy to do that, so she can see them. But all or nothing - can't be done. So he refuses to talk to her or visit, won't let her see the kids either. Very unhealthy. I hope you can get some answers for you all soon, as a family. This about a lot more than just difficult child. Marg [/QUOTE]
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