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Update:difficult child's been kicked out of school for the year
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 150505" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Mom2OddSon</p><p> </p><p>You now - The thoughts you wrote could have been right out of my own head. The part about being on the back burner and not helping. </p><p> </p><p>Isn't it the most crazy game you have ever played in your life? I mean really - think about it. You have a child like ours, and you do what you think will help him. Then a few years down the road he gets SO unmanageable in his behavior you turn to others for help and you get people that YOU think as a tired, worn out Mom and NOT a fresh psychiatrist with a degree or a teacher, or therapist or counselor - will have not all; but some answers for you? And so you agree to do whatever it is they suggest. You pump your kid full of pills, or you find holistic remedies or both. You go to the therapist, and you drag him along or you go or the whole family goes or all of the above. </p><p> </p><p>And you turn to the school for help and they have butt boring meeting after butt boring meeting and accomplish nothing but a break for them and time out of work for you. Yet we still try. And you come here - and you cry, or you scream or you pray, or you chant or you rattle beads, and you being to nearly head to the crossroads before someone jerks you back into reality and says "No - you've done ALL YOU CAN DO, now you have to TOUGH LOVE him." </p><p> </p><p>And you're left scratching your already tired head asking "Tough what?" "Detachment 101 huh?" "How do I?" "WHY didn't I do this before?" and then somewhere amongst the fabric softner sheets and throwing in another load of clothes that are NOT your son's because YOU are doing the TOUGH LOVE THING and his clothes won't be washed in your home - you sit and cry and s-uck up tears and have that all out snotty nose thing going on and cry so hard you laugh - because you realize - it's not really HIM that is getting the tough love - it's you. And you HAVE to do it for yourself, for your husband, for your other kids, for your dogs, for your parents - because if you don't - and you choose to continue helping him - </p><p> </p><p>???????????????????????????????????????????????????????</p><p> </p><p>It NEVER ends - ever. And then instead of TWO people or more being miserable over his choices (whether you feel he can control it or not, or he's mentally ill, or not, or just going to grow out of it someday and come home arms open) there is just him, and his choices, and his life, and it's HIS....and you find accepting THAT on some level is how you are really dealing with letting him go. Because as a Mom - they're never out of our minds. Not long. They're ours. Their small hands, their little soft voices, their hair, their boo-boos, their past their present their future - it's all there. We just have to turn it off before it consumes us and we're left NOT being of any use. </p><p> </p><p>And then that makes us feel guilty - so we learn not to talk about "HIM" or "Wonder what he's doing today" to almost anyone in the world but the people here - because we know if we bring it up in our homes - we get "the look" and we dont' dare want the "look". The "Look" means we're thinking about him and that may lead to crying and that leads to others getting mad because we're having a moment to remember our dreams that we laid down to allow our children to live their own lives while we live ours, just not in the way we had dreamed it when they were born. So many changes and so many dissapointments - it's hard some days to swallow or breathe when you hear someone talking about their kids and his or her accomplishments. Maybe envy - maybe hate, maybe just longing for any or some of what everyone else seems to have, but we got ripped off. </p><p> </p><p>And THAT is how I know where you are coming from - THAT is how I know what the back burner is. And that - is how I feel most days about my own son who I hope is in the category that "eventually grows up and comes home with arms open" because I doing the best I can without my kid who I think should be here and should have had school plays and little league and pictures, and birthdays and Christmas' and Easter and prom, graduation - and while I MISSED all those things - I'm ever hopeful because he is alive and I'm doing the TOUGH LOVE. Or more aptly Parent Survival Skills. I don't think our dreams ever really go away - we just adjust them until there isn't anything worth adjusting. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs and Love to you -You aren't alone. </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 150505, member: 4964"] Mom2OddSon You now - The thoughts you wrote could have been right out of my own head. The part about being on the back burner and not helping. Isn't it the most crazy game you have ever played in your life? I mean really - think about it. You have a child like ours, and you do what you think will help him. Then a few years down the road he gets SO unmanageable in his behavior you turn to others for help and you get people that YOU think as a tired, worn out Mom and NOT a fresh psychiatrist with a degree or a teacher, or therapist or counselor - will have not all; but some answers for you? And so you agree to do whatever it is they suggest. You pump your kid full of pills, or you find holistic remedies or both. You go to the therapist, and you drag him along or you go or the whole family goes or all of the above. And you turn to the school for help and they have butt boring meeting after butt boring meeting and accomplish nothing but a break for them and time out of work for you. Yet we still try. And you come here - and you cry, or you scream or you pray, or you chant or you rattle beads, and you being to nearly head to the crossroads before someone jerks you back into reality and says "No - you've done ALL YOU CAN DO, now you have to TOUGH LOVE him." And you're left scratching your already tired head asking "Tough what?" "Detachment 101 huh?" "How do I?" "WHY didn't I do this before?" and then somewhere amongst the fabric softner sheets and throwing in another load of clothes that are NOT your son's because YOU are doing the TOUGH LOVE THING and his clothes won't be washed in your home - you sit and cry and s-uck up tears and have that all out snotty nose thing going on and cry so hard you laugh - because you realize - it's not really HIM that is getting the tough love - it's you. And you HAVE to do it for yourself, for your husband, for your other kids, for your dogs, for your parents - because if you don't - and you choose to continue helping him - ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????? It NEVER ends - ever. And then instead of TWO people or more being miserable over his choices (whether you feel he can control it or not, or he's mentally ill, or not, or just going to grow out of it someday and come home arms open) there is just him, and his choices, and his life, and it's HIS....and you find accepting THAT on some level is how you are really dealing with letting him go. Because as a Mom - they're never out of our minds. Not long. They're ours. Their small hands, their little soft voices, their hair, their boo-boos, their past their present their future - it's all there. We just have to turn it off before it consumes us and we're left NOT being of any use. And then that makes us feel guilty - so we learn not to talk about "HIM" or "Wonder what he's doing today" to almost anyone in the world but the people here - because we know if we bring it up in our homes - we get "the look" and we dont' dare want the "look". The "Look" means we're thinking about him and that may lead to crying and that leads to others getting mad because we're having a moment to remember our dreams that we laid down to allow our children to live their own lives while we live ours, just not in the way we had dreamed it when they were born. So many changes and so many dissapointments - it's hard some days to swallow or breathe when you hear someone talking about their kids and his or her accomplishments. Maybe envy - maybe hate, maybe just longing for any or some of what everyone else seems to have, but we got ripped off. And THAT is how I know where you are coming from - THAT is how I know what the back burner is. And that - is how I feel most days about my own son who I hope is in the category that "eventually grows up and comes home with arms open" because I doing the best I can without my kid who I think should be here and should have had school plays and little league and pictures, and birthdays and Christmas' and Easter and prom, graduation - and while I MISSED all those things - I'm ever hopeful because he is alive and I'm doing the TOUGH LOVE. Or more aptly Parent Survival Skills. I don't think our dreams ever really go away - we just adjust them until there isn't anything worth adjusting. Hugs and Love to you -You aren't alone. Star [/QUOTE]
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Update:difficult child's been kicked out of school for the year
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