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Update...no big deal/ rant
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 730693" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Thanks to everyone who read this. 189 readers of my vent show that I am not alone. Tanya, love to you.</p><p></p><p>For years and years I have wanted to let it all out, the truth, without worrying about confrontation with my sister or upsetting my father. I had no idea anyone would be interested in reading my story. It is very ugly. My mother was horrific to me. I had a therapy appointment. today and explained how she not only called me hideous names but ridiculed me as a little kid and my therapist, who is new, just shook her head sadly. My sibs would deny she was mean. She was horrible at least to me. I have heard in the scapegoating tapes that the oldest usually has the best reality check on the relatives in the family often because the oldest tries to shield the youngest two. I was very close to my brother and he SAW and HEARD her belittle me, but I don't think he paid much attentnion. He was very chill and loved Mother very much and maybe, even at a very young age, felt she wasn't that bad. I did not try to protect my sister, except for Sunday fights where we all three huddled on the stairs, hiding from it and later, when Mother was ignoring her as a teen and running off to be with her boyfriend. My sister did the same thing to her son. She met a man and ran off to be with him so many nights, then wonders why her son is closer to his dad and blames it on gender (shrug). He was still in high school. Whatever. Like Mother/Like Daughter there.</p><p></p><p>The enablers will always blame the scapegoat. If you are a scapegoat, do NOT try to explain your side of the story. Your family of origin won't believe it and may refuse to even hear your side, even though they will listen to Narc mother's side. Don't set yourself up for defeat. And those who truly love you will SEE your true self, your goodness, so no need to explain. Learn about scapegoats on YouTube. Listen to all of the scapegoat/dysfunctional family vlogs. Learn about family roles in dysfunctional families. Stop trying to make those who will never respect you, respect you. And realize you had no reason to be scapegoated...you are good. It was the Narc and his/her enablers. NOT YOU. Feel good about yourself so you can choose a loving mate and learn to be kind to your kids...do not repeat what you saw!!!</p><p></p><p>The role of the scapegoat is more about the offending, abusive parent, who needs to be adored, than you. Perhaps you called her out on her meanness or dysfunction and were, at the same time, more sensitive and vulnerable than the other kids, who played along. You were a sitting duck for being abused by a personality disordered parent/family member. Or a few. Please be good to yourself and don't repeat the family dynamic in your own family and don't feel badly about yourself.</p><p></p><p>Honestly, I have thought of doing a vlog series on scapegoats because sometimes Scapegoats don't understand that it is not their faults. And the more validating vlogs from scapegoats the better. We are not at fault. Well, yes, it's your fault if you beat people up, used drugs in their home, stole, etc. No, if you just spoke up or were a highly sensitive person or reminded the Narc or Borderline parent of herself and she hated herself, which I think my mother did. At the very least, she loved to hurt me and did it with premeditation and sharp cunning and on purpose and to influence others. And, of course, the rest of the dysfunctional family went along with her and never called her out or maybe just believed I deserved it. It was the easy way and the only way to keep Narc parental love. I am grateful that my Dad did not follow, but she abused him too. Yes, he could also be mean, but she was worse...vicious, ridiculing, demeaning to him, horrible to his family. He wasn't so crazy about her family either, but we were allowed to see them at least.</p><p></p><p> She did not let us see his family. I may have liked them. I'm sorry she bullied him into not letting us see them, but I no longer have the urge to meet anyone of my DNA. DNA is not important to me. Love is. Caring is. I won't seek them out.</p><p></p><p>You deserved to be loved. You deserve to be loved. Cut out anyone who is a cancer to you. Don't feel guilty. Be sad that you have to do it. I am. But do it. The grief will pass. You will surround yourself with positive people who care for you as you care for them. Educate yourself on scapgoats. You will learn we are not unique. Nor flawed.</p><p></p><p>I truly believe I have the best heart in the entire family. I bought into much of what borderline mom told me about me, especially when she called me stupid. I had learning disabilities. But when she called me selfish I knew even very young that I was the opposite. She never convinced me of that. I did try to speak up and fight that one but was drowned out by her loud contradicting voice that I was indeed very selfish. In fact, she was talking about herself. I don't recall her doing a charitable deed to anyone ever. Same with my sister. Or my dad. (I love you, Dad, but being charitable was not your thing in this life.)</p><p></p><p>Yet my Mommie Dearest continued to mock me. When I did good things she tried to turn it into my being selfish. THIS IS WHAT NARCS DO TO SCAPEGOATS. I adopted three kids as I love kids. All were harder to place kids but they were as important to me and hub as a birth child and as much our own. My kids are my heart; my life. Adopted or not, they are a part of me, my real flesh and blood.</p><p></p><p>What did borderline Mom say about it in a very derisive voice that I can still hear?</p><p></p><p>"You just adopted them for the money!" Dripping, mocking words.</p><p></p><p>What money? You pay, not get money for both overseas and private attorney adoptions. That covered two kids. My third had autism and was from foster care and we got a $425 a month subsidy. He was high needs. That is the fortune I reaped for adopting the kids who are in my heart forever and we would have adopted my autistic son without the $425 a month if it had not been available.</p><p></p><p>Anything good I did was not good to family. Especially Mother. Scapegoat City much?</p><p></p><p> I wonder if some of my DNA had any heart at all, except for hearts for themselves. My brother. My grandma loved me lots, but favored her son over my mother...so I loved her mucho but she was not a good parent and my mother was pissed that she loved me best of the grands. When my grandmother passed she gave my grandmothers furniture to my sister, which was a joke. My sister had shunned her for many years and I know and Mother knew I was her favorite and my brother was definitely always there...he was her second favorite. My grandma and me spoke almost every day. We we're BFFs. I knew her thoughts. She forgave my sister for not coming into her life until late, but it did not make up for how cozy grandma and me were since childhood until death. Not even close. This was one instance of my mother being a 100% biotch. Just one example of ignoring the fact that my grandma and I had a love bond that was not there with my sister.I should have at least been offered SOMETHING from my Grandma who obviously adored me, but I was ignored like I was my grandma's scapegoat. In fact, I was closer to her and nicer to her than my mother was. Mother was fighting with her one day in the nursing home just before Grandma passed. It was about how Grandma loved her son more than her. IN THE NURSING HOME! I was standing outside the room and heard it. Nobody else saw it. Nobody would have believed me or would have excused (enabled) her, as always, but I will never forget it.</p><p></p><p>Sound familiar in YOUR family? You are the scapegoat then. Fight it. Maybe leave them...up to you. Don't wait until you are old. But I have many years left, I am healthy, I am DONE. You be brave and be good to you. Check those vlogs. One may be mine some day.</p><p></p><p>Love and light forever!</p><p>Pam -- you all deserve to know my first name</p><p>AKA SomewhereOutThere</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 730693, member: 1550"] Thanks to everyone who read this. 189 readers of my vent show that I am not alone. Tanya, love to you. For years and years I have wanted to let it all out, the truth, without worrying about confrontation with my sister or upsetting my father. I had no idea anyone would be interested in reading my story. It is very ugly. My mother was horrific to me. I had a therapy appointment. today and explained how she not only called me hideous names but ridiculed me as a little kid and my therapist, who is new, just shook her head sadly. My sibs would deny she was mean. She was horrible at least to me. I have heard in the scapegoating tapes that the oldest usually has the best reality check on the relatives in the family often because the oldest tries to shield the youngest two. I was very close to my brother and he SAW and HEARD her belittle me, but I don't think he paid much attentnion. He was very chill and loved Mother very much and maybe, even at a very young age, felt she wasn't that bad. I did not try to protect my sister, except for Sunday fights where we all three huddled on the stairs, hiding from it and later, when Mother was ignoring her as a teen and running off to be with her boyfriend. My sister did the same thing to her son. She met a man and ran off to be with him so many nights, then wonders why her son is closer to his dad and blames it on gender (shrug). He was still in high school. Whatever. Like Mother/Like Daughter there. The enablers will always blame the scapegoat. If you are a scapegoat, do NOT try to explain your side of the story. Your family of origin won't believe it and may refuse to even hear your side, even though they will listen to Narc mother's side. Don't set yourself up for defeat. And those who truly love you will SEE your true self, your goodness, so no need to explain. Learn about scapegoats on YouTube. Listen to all of the scapegoat/dysfunctional family vlogs. Learn about family roles in dysfunctional families. Stop trying to make those who will never respect you, respect you. And realize you had no reason to be scapegoated...you are good. It was the Narc and his/her enablers. NOT YOU. Feel good about yourself so you can choose a loving mate and learn to be kind to your kids...do not repeat what you saw!!! The role of the scapegoat is more about the offending, abusive parent, who needs to be adored, than you. Perhaps you called her out on her meanness or dysfunction and were, at the same time, more sensitive and vulnerable than the other kids, who played along. You were a sitting duck for being abused by a personality disordered parent/family member. Or a few. Please be good to yourself and don't repeat the family dynamic in your own family and don't feel badly about yourself. Honestly, I have thought of doing a vlog series on scapegoats because sometimes Scapegoats don't understand that it is not their faults. And the more validating vlogs from scapegoats the better. We are not at fault. Well, yes, it's your fault if you beat people up, used drugs in their home, stole, etc. No, if you just spoke up or were a highly sensitive person or reminded the Narc or Borderline parent of herself and she hated herself, which I think my mother did. At the very least, she loved to hurt me and did it with premeditation and sharp cunning and on purpose and to influence others. And, of course, the rest of the dysfunctional family went along with her and never called her out or maybe just believed I deserved it. It was the easy way and the only way to keep Narc parental love. I am grateful that my Dad did not follow, but she abused him too. Yes, he could also be mean, but she was worse...vicious, ridiculing, demeaning to him, horrible to his family. He wasn't so crazy about her family either, but we were allowed to see them at least. She did not let us see his family. I may have liked them. I'm sorry she bullied him into not letting us see them, but I no longer have the urge to meet anyone of my DNA. DNA is not important to me. Love is. Caring is. I won't seek them out. You deserved to be loved. You deserve to be loved. Cut out anyone who is a cancer to you. Don't feel guilty. Be sad that you have to do it. I am. But do it. The grief will pass. You will surround yourself with positive people who care for you as you care for them. Educate yourself on scapgoats. You will learn we are not unique. Nor flawed. I truly believe I have the best heart in the entire family. I bought into much of what borderline mom told me about me, especially when she called me stupid. I had learning disabilities. But when she called me selfish I knew even very young that I was the opposite. She never convinced me of that. I did try to speak up and fight that one but was drowned out by her loud contradicting voice that I was indeed very selfish. In fact, she was talking about herself. I don't recall her doing a charitable deed to anyone ever. Same with my sister. Or my dad. (I love you, Dad, but being charitable was not your thing in this life.) Yet my Mommie Dearest continued to mock me. When I did good things she tried to turn it into my being selfish. THIS IS WHAT NARCS DO TO SCAPEGOATS. I adopted three kids as I love kids. All were harder to place kids but they were as important to me and hub as a birth child and as much our own. My kids are my heart; my life. Adopted or not, they are a part of me, my real flesh and blood. What did borderline Mom say about it in a very derisive voice that I can still hear? "You just adopted them for the money!" Dripping, mocking words. What money? You pay, not get money for both overseas and private attorney adoptions. That covered two kids. My third had autism and was from foster care and we got a $425 a month subsidy. He was high needs. That is the fortune I reaped for adopting the kids who are in my heart forever and we would have adopted my autistic son without the $425 a month if it had not been available. Anything good I did was not good to family. Especially Mother. Scapegoat City much? I wonder if some of my DNA had any heart at all, except for hearts for themselves. My brother. My grandma loved me lots, but favored her son over my mother...so I loved her mucho but she was not a good parent and my mother was pissed that she loved me best of the grands. When my grandmother passed she gave my grandmothers furniture to my sister, which was a joke. My sister had shunned her for many years and I know and Mother knew I was her favorite and my brother was definitely always there...he was her second favorite. My grandma and me spoke almost every day. We we're BFFs. I knew her thoughts. She forgave my sister for not coming into her life until late, but it did not make up for how cozy grandma and me were since childhood until death. Not even close. This was one instance of my mother being a 100% biotch. Just one example of ignoring the fact that my grandma and I had a love bond that was not there with my sister.I should have at least been offered SOMETHING from my Grandma who obviously adored me, but I was ignored like I was my grandma's scapegoat. In fact, I was closer to her and nicer to her than my mother was. Mother was fighting with her one day in the nursing home just before Grandma passed. It was about how Grandma loved her son more than her. IN THE NURSING HOME! I was standing outside the room and heard it. Nobody else saw it. Nobody would have believed me or would have excused (enabled) her, as always, but I will never forget it. Sound familiar in YOUR family? You are the scapegoat then. Fight it. Maybe leave them...up to you. Don't wait until you are old. But I have many years left, I am healthy, I am DONE. You be brave and be good to you. Check those vlogs. One may be mine some day. Love and light forever! Pam -- you all deserve to know my first name AKA SomewhereOutThere [/QUOTE]
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