Update...no big deal/ rant

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SomewhereOutThere, Mar 22, 2018.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In a few months my dear Father's estate will be settled. Done. There was no drama, and none was expected. My brother executor is drama free and honest. Probate court will be done.

    Just a personal statement more to myself than anyone else. This is like FB to me. I would rather put my thoughts down anonymously. It is safer.

    With this last interaction, I am finally, finally 100 percent free of the family of origin that loathed me. It's funny. I am old, yet being belittled and abused as a child and family throughout life still hurts at times. Weird! It doesn't cripple me, and I forgive those because they truly don't know what they did...they thought I deserved it and were wrong (no kid or family member deserves being singled out in a bad way) but there was abuse way up the family tree, I think both my parents were abusive because THEY were belittled. So I forgive. And Dad loved me. It was undiagnosed borderline like mother who did not.

    And now it will all be over. I don't have to worry about my Dad's reaction or health with what I do or say. I am free, free, free!!! Free of a family that needed a scapegoat and chose me. Free to never see my DNA again, except for Bart and grandson and they had nothing to do with the rest of my DNA. Free of a certain person ever wrongfully calling the cops on me again just because that was what disturbed person did, rather than just letting go like most people do. Free to live my life without knowing anything about my DNA peeps.

    With Dad gone I have spoken more freely about this pain as he can no longer be hurt. Hopefully once this is all over, the memories of all the abuse will not surface again. I plan on continuing 100 percent no contact....no social media checks or checks anywhere my DNA may post. I have been very good at staying away this time. Whether they follow me, I can't control it nor do I care. Nothing I say here will ever be confronted. If they know I am here and care to read what I write, that is their choice. I will not recipricate. The only way to truly get over a relationship is to stop talking, stop meeting, stop looking at their postings and to let the people fade from your memory. I had to do this one person at a time with people from a family where I did not belong. I am a pro. I can let go, have done it many times, usually not my choice but I did it each time anyway. This time it is my choice.

    I don't want them here in tragedy, in sadness or if I am dying (they will not be informed,). My family is only my husband, kids, and in laws.

    I feel such a weight off my shoulders. I always felt so lesser than from FOO, even my kind brother...he wrote me a letter which stated in the first few sentences that this was a letter about what bothered him about me. I rarely saw him. I didn't want to know and gave it to my husband. He scanned the letter very quickly (did not read it but saw telltale phrases) then tore it into a billion pieces and stuck it in his work bag and took it to work with him. "I never want you to read it. I will throw it in my work dumpster, not here. Your family is nuts." My husband is a prince. He is/was my rock. He is always on my side. He is my soulmate.

    I already talked about the abuse from my very ill sister. Yes, she hides it well. I am sure nobody knows she called the cops on me every time she "broke up" with me. Every time. And she broke up a lot. I know her life is a mess. I know she told me that is unable to leave her abusive boyfriend. I know she will or already has hurt the man who is nice and does love her. And she tries to call me a mess...haha. i am sad about how her life turned out and how she turned out. She is nearing 60 and divorced her hub whom she says she never loved to find true love. She is old now. She will in my opinion not get that wish due to her own behavior with a much younger abusive man. I feel bad but it is her doing.

    Thank God I was nicer to myself than she is to herself. But I can't fix her.

    Yet I love both my brother and sister. They are gone though. My sister would have to admit with contrition how wrong she was to call the cops so many times when I hadn't broken the law. I would have to be sure she wouldn't do it again.

    And she never admits wrongdoing in her crazy I love you/I hate you relationship with me. So no sweat. She was always right...at least in her mind and I am sure she got much sympathy from those she told about me because I am also sure she never told anyone the whole story, not even my brother. She told nobody how she sent the cops to my house, even after we moved out of state, to teach me a lesson. Time after time after time. 20 times. 30 times. Yet I broke NO laws. Her friends would have thought she was crazy if they knew.

    This is all a sad relief. I have to grieve this total end. I always knew my sister would come back before. She could not stay away from me once she left. She probably still cant. I suspect she reads my posts here. But I hope she has stopped for her sake more than mine.

    I have grieved before. I can do this. There is no chance there will ever be a reconciliation. Never. Ever. She contacts me I try legal action.

    Sorry for this off topic rant. No responses needed. This was just me letting my feelings out.

    Bottom line: All in all, my life is really good. And I need to keep it that way. I apologize for this....I am off my soap box now.
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2018
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I know you said you did not need a response, but I wanted to send you gentle hugs. You're right to cut them off. And you are right that your hubby is awesome. <3
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I am just still grieving what I have to do and the knowledge that it has to be forever. I feel silly that all that family stuff still peaks at times...I am too old for that. But I know it will eventually fade and that the rest of this life will be filled with just loving people who value me as much as I value them.

    My siblings will always think less of me. The scapegoat never gets to explain and is never believed. And its okay for the family vultures to, say, call the police on the nasty scapegoat even if no law was broken. After all, scapegoat derserves it...even if she did nothing legally wrong!! Even if the cops apologize for coming....especially the one she called who was a personal friend! She did that probably to embarrass me but I wasn't. He knew me.Eventually he stopped coming when she called to whine about me. The chronic cop calling did any relationship we could have had in. The entire family (mine) thinks she is not all there. They were all there when the cops came. Like Jumper said "Who does that? Why do you even talk to her."

    Love has a high tolerance but I always knew that the cops bit was crazy that she never told anyone else what she did with the cops and that one day, if she didn't express regret, I would have no choice but to cut it off. All of her dysfunctional friends have never done that to anyone....nobody does that. Never once an apology about that or or anything.

    I have done homework on the scapegoated family member. The scapegoat can not win. I think I have listened to every scapegoat YouTube tape and read so many books on dysfunctional family dynamics. I dont think my mom was narcissistic, just plenty borderline. And although she needed help she never got it so she had no diagnosis. The stuff she did and said to me, even as a little one, was brutal. And I fought back and at the same time I was so vulnerable....perfect recipe for a scapegoat from a lady who loved to pick on her daughter. The "bad" one.

    Well, MY life is good. This often happens with the scapegoat too.

    Scapegoat never ever again.

    Annie, hugs to you.

    Sis, if you still read my posts we are done. I will not go to the Borderline (BPD) site to see if you answered. I am done. As are the cut offs, cops and listening to you talk about him.
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2018
  4. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    SWOT you have given so much to so many people on this site and are so loved. Sad that your DNA family never recognized everything wonderful you have to give. Seems to me that they lost out. Although it hurts so much sometimes it is better to flush all of that toxicity out of your life so that your true light can sine brightly. Hugs!
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, wiser. I never had issues with people other than them and it broke my heart so there were times I did lose it verbally and melted down but never did I harm a soul...I just wanted for them to realize I am basically a good person. And when they were mean to me, which was often, I couldn't always keep it in...add to that I do have a mood disorder. And meltdowns in response to their cruelty made them wink and think "she is baaaad." I was never a bad person. Easily hurt, especially with Mom and a few times Dad. I wanted them to love me but they never did, except for my Dad (the best he could) and my grandma.

    None of it matters anymore. The discussions and trials with sister coming and going and coming and going (calling cops with each exit just because she was angry) are over. I found enough love and that others find me loveable. And I like me now. Nobody will be allowed to treat me like I am worse than a criminal again...if I never contact sis again, she can not call the cops either.

    I love her and hope she can one day go no contact with her abuser, but I don't know if she can and I don't want to know her business. And there will be no father who will pass along information. No middle man. No contact.

    Love and hugs!! You are the best!
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2018
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    On a more humorous note, I have Judge Judy on and the way she talks to the people in court is the way my mother talked to me! I have told this to my hubby and we call her Judge (mother's name). Can you imagine? But the way she insults the litigants is the way my Mommie Dearest insulted me plus my mother liked to humiliate me even though she didn't get paid for it.

    On a more serious note I was just reminded that Sis did not invite our bro to her wedding because he was too ugly and it embarrassed her. I am sure she never put it that way to him when she finally decided it was time to bring him into her life, but she said it many times to me. And she told it to my mother too. I know my mother never told him as he was her golden child and she would not hurt him and I am glad she didn't tell him.

    Anyway Sis did not want her sororiety and school friends or her hubs family to know she had an "ugly gross" brother. HER description. WHO THINKS LIKE THAT??????

    I do not know how I ever wanted her approval. How I groveled for it. How I allowed her into my life after she kept calling the police on me. What was wrong with ME? My family of choice was very puzzled about that. I am too.

    My grandma complained about my sister ignoring her until she was quite older. My grandma was totally ignored by her for years. At some point in time, my sis snubbed me, bro and grandma. in my opinion she was able to keep talking to certain people long term only because they lived far from her state and she didn't get to interact with them often.

    Sigh. I got it all out. Hopefully I don't need to ever hang on to it again. I know somewhere my sister is going to say I lied or I am awful but that is her right. I am okay with that. I won't see it or hear it. I have no interest in finding out her spin.

    Sometimes you just have to move on from the toxcidity and I know I can do this. My father kept us sort of connected....but he is not here now. Thanks for being here and allowing me to tell the truth the way I saw and heard it. I hope I got it all out of my system. This is my first time telling my story while not being afraid that maybe one day my sister will challenge my reality about our family, herself included. She will never get the chance.
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2018
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Vent and rant away! Glad you feel safe enough to share here.

  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks to everyone who read this. 189 readers of my vent show that I am not alone. Tanya, love to you.

    For years and years I have wanted to let it all out, the truth, without worrying about confrontation with my sister or upsetting my father. I had no idea anyone would be interested in reading my story. It is very ugly. My mother was horrific to me. I had a therapy appointment. today and explained how she not only called me hideous names but ridiculed me as a little kid and my therapist, who is new, just shook her head sadly. My sibs would deny she was mean. She was horrible at least to me. I have heard in the scapegoating tapes that the oldest usually has the best reality check on the relatives in the family often because the oldest tries to shield the youngest two. I was very close to my brother and he SAW and HEARD her belittle me, but I don't think he paid much attentnion. He was very chill and loved Mother very much and maybe, even at a very young age, felt she wasn't that bad. I did not try to protect my sister, except for Sunday fights where we all three huddled on the stairs, hiding from it and later, when Mother was ignoring her as a teen and running off to be with her boyfriend. My sister did the same thing to her son. She met a man and ran off to be with him so many nights, then wonders why her son is closer to his dad and blames it on gender (shrug). He was still in high school. Whatever. Like Mother/Like Daughter there.

    The enablers will always blame the scapegoat. If you are a scapegoat, do NOT try to explain your side of the story. Your family of origin won't believe it and may refuse to even hear your side, even though they will listen to Narc mother's side. Don't set yourself up for defeat. And those who truly love you will SEE your true self, your goodness, so no need to explain. Learn about scapegoats on YouTube. Listen to all of the scapegoat/dysfunctional family vlogs. Learn about family roles in dysfunctional families. Stop trying to make those who will never respect you, respect you. And realize you had no reason to be scapegoated...you are good. It was the Narc and his/her enablers. NOT YOU. Feel good about yourself so you can choose a loving mate and learn to be kind to your kids...do not repeat what you saw!!!

    The role of the scapegoat is more about the offending, abusive parent, who needs to be adored, than you. Perhaps you called her out on her meanness or dysfunction and were, at the same time, more sensitive and vulnerable than the other kids, who played along. You were a sitting duck for being abused by a personality disordered parent/family member. Or a few. Please be good to yourself and don't repeat the family dynamic in your own family and don't feel badly about yourself.

    Honestly, I have thought of doing a vlog series on scapegoats because sometimes Scapegoats don't understand that it is not their faults. And the more validating vlogs from scapegoats the better. We are not at fault. Well, yes, it's your fault if you beat people up, used drugs in their home, stole, etc. No, if you just spoke up or were a highly sensitive person or reminded the Narc or Borderline parent of herself and she hated herself, which I think my mother did. At the very least, she loved to hurt me and did it with premeditation and sharp cunning and on purpose and to influence others. And, of course, the rest of the dysfunctional family went along with her and never called her out or maybe just believed I deserved it. It was the easy way and the only way to keep Narc parental love. I am grateful that my Dad did not follow, but she abused him too. Yes, he could also be mean, but she was worse...vicious, ridiculing, demeaning to him, horrible to his family. He wasn't so crazy about her family either, but we were allowed to see them at least.

    She did not let us see his family. I may have liked them. I'm sorry she bullied him into not letting us see them, but I no longer have the urge to meet anyone of my DNA. DNA is not important to me. Love is. Caring is. I won't seek them out.

    You deserved to be loved. You deserve to be loved. Cut out anyone who is a cancer to you. Don't feel guilty. Be sad that you have to do it. I am. But do it. The grief will pass. You will surround yourself with positive people who care for you as you care for them. Educate yourself on scapgoats. You will learn we are not unique. Nor flawed.

    I truly believe I have the best heart in the entire family. I bought into much of what borderline mom told me about me, especially when she called me stupid. I had learning disabilities. But when she called me selfish I knew even very young that I was the opposite. She never convinced me of that. I did try to speak up and fight that one but was drowned out by her loud contradicting voice that I was indeed very selfish. In fact, she was talking about herself. I don't recall her doing a charitable deed to anyone ever. Same with my sister. Or my dad. (I love you, Dad, but being charitable was not your thing in this life.)

    Yet my Mommie Dearest continued to mock me. When I did good things she tried to turn it into my being selfish. THIS IS WHAT NARCS DO TO SCAPEGOATS. I adopted three kids as I love kids. All were harder to place kids but they were as important to me and hub as a birth child and as much our own. My kids are my heart; my life. Adopted or not, they are a part of me, my real flesh and blood.

    What did borderline Mom say about it in a very derisive voice that I can still hear?

    "You just adopted them for the money!" Dripping, mocking words.

    What money? You pay, not get money for both overseas and private attorney adoptions. That covered two kids. My third had autism and was from foster care and we got a $425 a month subsidy. He was high needs. That is the fortune I reaped for adopting the kids who are in my heart forever and we would have adopted my autistic son without the $425 a month if it had not been available.

    Anything good I did was not good to family. Especially Mother. Scapegoat City much?

    I wonder if some of my DNA had any heart at all, except for hearts for themselves. My brother. My grandma loved me lots, but favored her son over my mother...so I loved her mucho but she was not a good parent and my mother was pissed that she loved me best of the grands. When my grandmother passed she gave my grandmothers furniture to my sister, which was a joke. My sister had shunned her for many years and I know and Mother knew I was her favorite and my brother was definitely always there...he was her second favorite. My grandma and me spoke almost every day. We we're BFFs. I knew her thoughts. She forgave my sister for not coming into her life until late, but it did not make up for how cozy grandma and me were since childhood until death. Not even close. This was one instance of my mother being a 100% biotch. Just one example of ignoring the fact that my grandma and I had a love bond that was not there with my sister.I should have at least been offered SOMETHING from my Grandma who obviously adored me, but I was ignored like I was my grandma's scapegoat. In fact, I was closer to her and nicer to her than my mother was. Mother was fighting with her one day in the nursing home just before Grandma passed. It was about how Grandma loved her son more than her. IN THE NURSING HOME! I was standing outside the room and heard it. Nobody else saw it. Nobody would have believed me or would have excused (enabled) her, as always, but I will never forget it.

    Sound familiar in YOUR family? You are the scapegoat then. Fight it. Maybe leave them...up to you. Don't wait until you are old. But I have many years left, I am healthy, I am DONE. You be brave and be good to you. Check those vlogs. One may be mine some day.

    Love and light forever!
    Pam -- you all deserve to know my first name
    AKA SomewhereOutThere
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2018
  9. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    gns It's Time to Cut (Toxic) Family Ties
    ByDec 28, 2016, 6:42 AM ET
    [​IMG]Getty Imagesyes
    Holidays shaping up to be more stressful than joyful? If this past weekend wasn't all you imagined it would be, it might be time to rethink certain family relationships.

    Sometimes we "spend years sacrificing our mental and emotional health in abusive relationships under the notion that we have to" because these people are our family,” said Sherrie Campbell, a licensed California psychologist and author of the book “Loving Yourself : The Mastery of Being Your Own Person.”

    "Cutting ties with family members is one of the hardest decisions we may face in life.”

    But who wants to be the person who doesn't speak to their family? No one, really. But sometimes, Campbell said, it's for our own health.

    "The facts are that family members are just people and not always healthy people, and if these people weren't family, we would never choose them to be a part of our lives due to their poor treatment of us," Campbell said.

    Campbell's 7 reasons to terminate relationships with family:

    1. When the relationship is based in any kind of abuse, mentally, physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally. When the relationship is based in manipulation, overt or covert, you can be sure you are being used and abused. When you are living in constant anxiety never knowing or being able to predict how any engagement is going to turn out, it is time to love yourself enough to let go.

    2. It is time to terminate a relationship when the only contact you have with them is negative. The contact you have with them serves to bring you down, put you down and/or make you feel you are not good enough, or you haven't done enough for them.

    3. When the relationship creates so much stress that it affects the important areas of your life at work, home or both. When your emotions are totally caught up in defending yourself and wanting to explain yourself and the chaos of your relationships with these people is all you talk about, it is time to let go.

    4. If you find yourself obsessed with the gossip about you and trying to right wrong information, and you are constantly being ostracized to the point you are losing sleep over it, you are becoming poisoned with their toxicity. Gossip only serves one family member to get others to gang up on you and you are left defenseless against the false beliefs about you being thrown your way. There is usually a ring leader gathering the troops for the assault and because they are joined together, you begin to wonder whether it is you that is the problem.

    5. When the relationship is completely all about the other person and there is no real reason why the other person cannot make any effort toward the health and maintenance of the relationship with you. One sided relationships are set up for your failure. When you realize there is never going to be an "enough" place for you to reach in the relationship, you need to let go and start to focus on your own healing.

    6. When and whether the relationship is only about borrowing or needing money.

    7. When crazy-making, no-win games dominate the relationship such as the silent treatment, blame-games, no-win arguments that spin around on you, there is no point in continuing in this battle. Verbal warfare is never the place you will convince them of anything and these kinds of verbal interactions are set up to be their way or the highway. If these are the negative consequences you receive each time this person or people don't get their way, it is time to let go
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Tired, mama, this wonderful artical made me cry (I am a crybaby anyways).

    I missed this article. Thank you so much for sharing it. Except for number 6, every point resonated strongly.

    I can't thank you enough. These articles validate that I am doing the right thing. That it should have been sooner.

    With Sister I was always waiting for her to have a hissy fit and it was always stressful and she never apologized for anything she did to me because in her strange mind, she was right. She had to control me. Thats really what the cops were about. Control.

    The article didn't mention calling the cops lol ;)

    Much love and light.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    by the way, my sister can and has told every real live person in her life how horrible I am and much worse. Everyone. She even talked a friend of hers who clearly doesn't know her well to defend her HERE on this forum.

    BUT she considers my talking about things here, on an anonymous forum, a smear campaign...lol. I hope you get the irony. I am not allowed to talk about it, even though nobody knows who she is here.

    Last edited: Apr 8, 2018
  12. ahhjeez

    ahhjeez Member

    I just wanted to say how brave I think you are Pam. And despite how horribly you were treated as a child and adult by your FOO you have risen above and built a beautiful, rich and fulfilling life for yourself. And your husband sounds like a treasure. I'm glad you are finally free.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you! I think I did well too. I did not realize I had this all bottled up inside me because I always backed off just a little because I felt one day my sister would come back and tell me what I put down was wrong. She has this thing about reading my posts here. But she can't confront me again so I can pour it all out now and never have to hear her invalidating my reality. It did happen and to me my mother WAS that bad and my sister was awful too with her cut offs and cops. I was not great all the time but i didn't cut her off or call the cops or refuse to apologize or belittle her. And I would have invited my brother to my wedding, even if it he truly WERE ugly...and he was not.

    And If my mother would have treated sissy like she treated me, I would have stuck up for her, not just let it go. I have a strong sense of justice for the underdog and if either my sister or brother had been scapegoated by my mother, she would have heard about it from me. If I had been the golden child there would have been no scapegoat. I was very young when I started sticking up for others who were bullied, although I was bullied too. I don't take bullying lightly. Never did. To this day I feel for all the underdogs of this world...my sister in my opinion has no heart for them.

    Another very hurtful issue that I feel I MUST discuss before I stop...My lovely mother disinherited me. Well, she left me a dollar. It was an eff you Miss Nobody, from the grave.
    If my sibling had been disinherited by my Mother, as it was, I would have felt very badly and at the least I would have offered my love and sympathy and the chance for the rejected one to pick through the mother's belongings.

    The rejection hurt. The money was not a lot and was irrelevant. It was knowing for sure that Mother did not love me at all and I had always known this but the proof in this action stung me anew. Did my siblings know this? If so, they didnt care. I didnt matter. They both ignored it, even my brother, who I do think is a kind and caring person, but not demonstrative. And very attached to Mother as her special child. So it was never even brought up to me. How callous.

    Now were my siblings obligated to comfort me? No!!!! But *I* would have reached out to hug and comfort the left out sibling. That is how I am and how they are not. There was a warmth missing from them...and from almost all of my FOO. My grandma showed warmth. Nobody else.

    Well, I think I did and I know my husband and kids find me a warm comfort to them...so I guess I am warm hearted. I am very close to all my kids. By their choice.

    As for Sis and me, not once did my sister ever do anything really nurturing or kind to me. Oh, yeah. She insists she sent me flowers in the trauma center after my car accident, but my husband says those flowers only had my fathers name on the card, not hers, I believe my husband.

    Joke: She thinks she is an empath or a codependent! The only person she is empathic to is her abusive boyfriend. She doesn't even say nice things about her gaggle of elderly friends who are mostly trying to find men and failing. She is particularly brutal to the "bird" friend whose boyfriend she finds narcicistc.

    I am so done. I feel the spilling of the years draining me....slowly. Just getting it all out about her exhausts me. SHE exhausts me in real life even more. Drama drama and more drama. I think I am finished. I needed to spell it out to purge ALL of her lies and cruelties from my system. And my mother's as well. And I preferred to tell strangers rather than people she knows, as she did to me. It should be over now. My truth. Her secrets. My mother's extreme games and abuse toward me. Since I was an infant and she refused to hold me because I was "stiff." God forbid she should have tried harder until I felt comfort in her arms. She was a lazy mother. She propped a bottle and walked away. It was easier.

    To my shadow Sis, I will NEVER go to your forum to read your responses. You have every right to put down your feelings. I am not at all upset about that. Nobody knows me there so say anything. But I have every right NOT to go to b p d com and look at what you say. You lost your voice to me forever.

    I appreciate the support you always give. As you know, family of origin members tell family scapegoats that they are are wrong, are lying, are the reason the other person was abusive, are crazy etc. It is a family bullying a method...Mean Girls in a family.

    I have to NEVER hear her crapola again. Ever.

    Thanks again.

    Last edited: Apr 8, 2018
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    You have worked through and survived so much. You have taken all the negatives that were thrown at you and turned them into strength. You may have been beat down at times but you always got back up and persevered. What was meant to break you only did the opposite.
    You should be very proud of yourself for all that you have accomplished for your life.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much, my friend Tanya. I'm sure others here had rotten families of origin or worse. And all of us are stronger for our challenges. I know you went through more than me. I admire you as one VERY strong and smart lady, far moreso than I could ever be.

    "What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us Stronger."
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2018
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks to all for reading my story. For the first time, I feel as if SOMEBODY heard me, even if they are strangers. It means a lot to me to be able to get it all out with no fear that I will be invalidated.

    I feel as if this doesn't need to be said again.

    Thanks again, all 303 of you. Wow! Many people must go through this sort of nonsense....we need to take our power back. Only we know what we went through. Many people enable parents who abused us simply because they were not the target of the abuse. We don't have to be perfect people (who is?) to be treated with respect by those who are supposed to love us the most. And too often this abuse starts in babyhood just because a child is different or harder or has perhaps special needs and it is not acceptable to a sensitive, insecure and selfish mother. And they like to have other family members joining in. It makes them feel good about their abuse to have enablers.

    I am a mother. As a mother who would take a bullet for any of my kids, I don't understand my mother. It helps to know I am not alone. Insecure parents can not handle children who are more challenging and they blames the baby/child/then young adult for their own abuse. Many tell themselves "I was a good mother. She/he asked for it." But this is never right. It starts very young, when the parent is the only adult. And the insecure adult can not deal with the child who needs perhaps more love than the others. Or who sees that something is off in the family dynsmics and talks about it. Or is a highly sensitive child. My grandmother got it, but my mother was brutal to me all of my life. And my mother very much resented her mother giving me what I needed. My grandmother was ALWAYS there for me. We were buddies all our lives,me and the grandmother whom I called Mom. My mother was mommy or Mother. Grandma was Mom.

    My mother took her hatred of me out on my kids. She refused to have anything to do with them. Not even a card on their birthdays. She never ever met my two youngest children. Her decision. She did involve herself with my sisters kids and even had a golden grandchild!!

    My kids were better off not knowing her.

    My brother, golden child, was easy going and adored her and she needed that. Adoration. She was unwilling to try hard and he was easy natured. Brother was also very sick so he needed her and she needed to be needed. Anyhow, it can't be changed, but it is therapeutic to let it out, at ANY age. And this was and is my story of my DNA peeps. And it WAS that bad for me.

    Have a GREAT GREAT day and life!
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2018
  17. Dmb0145

    Dmb0145 New Member

    SWOT I just read your post here! Unreal your sisters behavior. I have no words other than as you know you are not alone in this situation. Everything I read of your post, I feel like it's my life, well it was as we discussed. So sad that your mother did this to you and my mom as well but we are the better people and thankfully both have wonderful husbands, children of our own and amazing in laws, thank god for them and your husband sounds just like my husband, whereas he says your mother is nuts, my husband has pointed that out for years not that I didn't already know that. I can only hope they are looking down upon us with tons of regret although I doubt my mother has ANY, she never took responsibility for anything nor does my current brother! Just like you I cannot wait until this probate stuff is all over with, not that I was left anything since I was disinherited even though I helped to take care of her up until the last 4 months of my mothers passing, like I said the last 50 years of having a relationship with my mother verses the last 4 months of her life not speaking because I couldn't take the abuse anymore, the last 50 years of putting up with her meant nothing and was ALL irrelevant. SHAME on them all and SHAME on our mothers if they even deserve that honor to be called a mother, I know my mother doesn't deserve that honor, but my mother in law does! She still is and always was MY mother! Hugs to you and your family :)
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My ex husband had an amazing mother. She was a wonderful person. Her mother was too. My first husband wasn't so great...we were not good for one another but are still friendly... but his mother and grandmother were the best.

    My husband of 23 years lost his parents young. They sounded really nice. I wish I had known them.

    I think our story is not so unusual but it's always never fun. I think I the thoughts will go back into hibernation after the probate is over.
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2018