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Update on cherub, advice welcome
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 309024" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Good point about the aides, Susie. I wouldcertainly be tellingthem about this. Not in any "you should have been more sympathtic" way, but in a "Poor darling, I wish we had understood just how bad it was for her" kind of way (which still should push guilt buttons nicely).</p><p></p><p>As for biomum - she sounds like she's in denial in a major way. It is how she has coped in life. First, deny there is any kind of problem anywhere with anything. Next, when confronted with it - "you must be mistaken." TRhen when she has to admit that bad tings have happened, she uses "But it's alright now," or "It was never that bad; let's all be friends and play nicely again."</p><p></p><p>For some people, the immediate lack of consensues = severe conflict and MUST be elimiated/ignored/deleted/erased wherever possible. They cannot mentally look ahead to see consequences, because again, that is painful and linked to more problems. Better to not try to look ahead; then you don't have to see the chance of nasty things coming up.</p><p></p><p>"Think happy thoughts..." and if you needhelp to think' em, use whatever substances help you achieve this. Because for some people, life is just too painful.</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately, this way of coping (and it IS a coping mechanism, even if its a bad one) may help the individual personall,y at least in the short-term. But long-term especially, and everyone else - it's disastrous. But for someone expert in denial, they are good at not thinking about oter people's suffering in this.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes even very intelligent and educated people will try to make excuses for the abuser. A close friend of mine did this for some months after she discovered her hsuband had been abusing her daughter by a previous marriage. She would tell me, "I'm giving him another chance; you don't walk away from a marriage. Besides, I was partly to blame too, I was too busy with my work." </p><p>She forgot to remind herself - she was busy with her work because HE encouraged it by saying, "Go ahead; you love your job. I'll be here to mind the little girl for you." And when he was found out, he accused my friend by saying, "You weren't there for me; you were never home. She was there and so willing... I'm only human. Maybe if we try again, I'm sorry, I won't do it agian, I must have been mad. But it was your fault too, it always takes two, I figured you must have known and been OK with it. She certianly thought so."</p><p>That sort of nastiness can mess with anybody's head. It took several months of being apart from him (and discovering how he was now quietly chasing young girls who he had met as friends of the daughter - he hadn't changed, he hadn't stopped, he was using my friend unwittingly to continue to have access to other children) for her to realise that he was a monster and it had NEVER been her fault. She had been deliberately wooed by a pedophile who had never intended to simply marry her, he had only married in order to get the child in his control. It took her a good six months to finally begin to accept this; more time and long counselling before she could even begin to heal.</p><p>The daughter in this case has been amazing. Once she saw her mother begin to fight back she began her own healing. The daughter is now an adult and has been in the same stable, long-term relationship for the last 6 years.</p><p></p><p>My point is - when a mother is first told that the man she loves has been accused of molesting her daughter, it is very difficult to believe it. How long does it take to beleive? How much evidence do you need to be sure? it is NOT immediate. However, once it stacks up and begins to look overwhelming, most sensible people will at least give the benefit of the doubt to the child in terms of wanting to keep the child safe. Even if the mother beleives nothing ever happened and the child just made it up - the CHILD beleives it, the authorities are giving it credence, so the sensible option is to ALSO KEEP THE ABUSER SAFE from further accusations.</p><p></p><p>Keep both of them safe. </p><p></p><p>This is what my friend did - even when trying to save her marriage, she made it clear that there was to be no contact between her husband and her daughter. She stayed with her husband while daughter moved in with grandparents; she did hr best to keep her husband safe from further accusations. But when he walked right into more trouble and did it of his own accord (thinking she would protect him even when she had ultimate proof that this was not simply a one-off drunken mistake) she saw her daughter vindicated even at the expense of her belief that the past ten years' marriage.</p><p>had been loving, happy and successful. Ten years turned to ash the day she found her husband was having a physical relationship with daughter's best friend.</p><p></p><p>Not many women can face this and not turn to denial for solace.</p><p></p><p>If bio-dad visits cherub, then it will be too easy for him to be accused again and not be able to defend himself. Especially when fingers are already pointing at him. Common sense says, even if he is innocent (somehow!??!) he MUST stay away until he can prove this.</p><p></p><p>Bio-mum's insistence tells me that neither she nor bio-dad are very well endowed with common sense.</p><p></p><p>DOCS dragging their feet - they're an over-large overloaded organisation who in the past have been accused of being too hasty, being too superficial and paradoxically, not doing enough to keep children safe. If thye get accused of stepping in too fast and too harshly, they can find themselves being caught up and having resources wasted in lawsuits which should not have happened.</p><p></p><p>So they move too slowly, too carefully. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there, Trish. Look after yourself. That dust storm has left a lot of health problems in its wake. I just saw my sister (from north coast NSW) and both she and her husband are struggling with breathing problems which came on right after the dust storm. At the wedding last night there were a number of people reporting similar symptoms - all the east coast people.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 309024, member: 1991"] Good point about the aides, Susie. I wouldcertainly be tellingthem about this. Not in any "you should have been more sympathtic" way, but in a "Poor darling, I wish we had understood just how bad it was for her" kind of way (which still should push guilt buttons nicely). As for biomum - she sounds like she's in denial in a major way. It is how she has coped in life. First, deny there is any kind of problem anywhere with anything. Next, when confronted with it - "you must be mistaken." TRhen when she has to admit that bad tings have happened, she uses "But it's alright now," or "It was never that bad; let's all be friends and play nicely again." For some people, the immediate lack of consensues = severe conflict and MUST be elimiated/ignored/deleted/erased wherever possible. They cannot mentally look ahead to see consequences, because again, that is painful and linked to more problems. Better to not try to look ahead; then you don't have to see the chance of nasty things coming up. "Think happy thoughts..." and if you needhelp to think' em, use whatever substances help you achieve this. Because for some people, life is just too painful. Unfortunately, this way of coping (and it IS a coping mechanism, even if its a bad one) may help the individual personall,y at least in the short-term. But long-term especially, and everyone else - it's disastrous. But for someone expert in denial, they are good at not thinking about oter people's suffering in this. Sometimes even very intelligent and educated people will try to make excuses for the abuser. A close friend of mine did this for some months after she discovered her hsuband had been abusing her daughter by a previous marriage. She would tell me, "I'm giving him another chance; you don't walk away from a marriage. Besides, I was partly to blame too, I was too busy with my work." She forgot to remind herself - she was busy with her work because HE encouraged it by saying, "Go ahead; you love your job. I'll be here to mind the little girl for you." And when he was found out, he accused my friend by saying, "You weren't there for me; you were never home. She was there and so willing... I'm only human. Maybe if we try again, I'm sorry, I won't do it agian, I must have been mad. But it was your fault too, it always takes two, I figured you must have known and been OK with it. She certianly thought so." That sort of nastiness can mess with anybody's head. It took several months of being apart from him (and discovering how he was now quietly chasing young girls who he had met as friends of the daughter - he hadn't changed, he hadn't stopped, he was using my friend unwittingly to continue to have access to other children) for her to realise that he was a monster and it had NEVER been her fault. She had been deliberately wooed by a pedophile who had never intended to simply marry her, he had only married in order to get the child in his control. It took her a good six months to finally begin to accept this; more time and long counselling before she could even begin to heal. The daughter in this case has been amazing. Once she saw her mother begin to fight back she began her own healing. The daughter is now an adult and has been in the same stable, long-term relationship for the last 6 years. My point is - when a mother is first told that the man she loves has been accused of molesting her daughter, it is very difficult to believe it. How long does it take to beleive? How much evidence do you need to be sure? it is NOT immediate. However, once it stacks up and begins to look overwhelming, most sensible people will at least give the benefit of the doubt to the child in terms of wanting to keep the child safe. Even if the mother beleives nothing ever happened and the child just made it up - the CHILD beleives it, the authorities are giving it credence, so the sensible option is to ALSO KEEP THE ABUSER SAFE from further accusations. Keep both of them safe. This is what my friend did - even when trying to save her marriage, she made it clear that there was to be no contact between her husband and her daughter. She stayed with her husband while daughter moved in with grandparents; she did hr best to keep her husband safe from further accusations. But when he walked right into more trouble and did it of his own accord (thinking she would protect him even when she had ultimate proof that this was not simply a one-off drunken mistake) she saw her daughter vindicated even at the expense of her belief that the past ten years' marriage. had been loving, happy and successful. Ten years turned to ash the day she found her husband was having a physical relationship with daughter's best friend. Not many women can face this and not turn to denial for solace. If bio-dad visits cherub, then it will be too easy for him to be accused again and not be able to defend himself. Especially when fingers are already pointing at him. Common sense says, even if he is innocent (somehow!??!) he MUST stay away until he can prove this. Bio-mum's insistence tells me that neither she nor bio-dad are very well endowed with common sense. DOCS dragging their feet - they're an over-large overloaded organisation who in the past have been accused of being too hasty, being too superficial and paradoxically, not doing enough to keep children safe. If thye get accused of stepping in too fast and too harshly, they can find themselves being caught up and having resources wasted in lawsuits which should not have happened. So they move too slowly, too carefully. Hang in there, Trish. Look after yourself. That dust storm has left a lot of health problems in its wake. I just saw my sister (from north coast NSW) and both she and her husband are struggling with breathing problems which came on right after the dust storm. At the wedding last night there were a number of people reporting similar symptoms - all the east coast people. Marg [/QUOTE]
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