Update on difficult child 1 and Navy

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by janebrain, Jun 24, 2010.

  1. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi All,
    E called me last night--I could see from the area code that she was calling from Illinois. She tried to tell me that she and Liam had left Seattle early and were now in Chicago. She told me when she got back to Seattle she discovered the guy watching her apt. had robbed and ransacked the place and she got evicted by her landlord, also fired from her job as exotic dancer.

    I told her what I had learned about a single parent not being able to enlist. She tried to keep up the story for a minute, then changed it to say that after boot camp she could have Liam with her as long as she had someone to watch him. I told her that was not true (by the way, I was very calm and neutral, just stating the facts). Then she tearfully told me she had given up custody of Liam to her friend K a year ago.

    I think this could be the true story because back a year ago I talked to K several times on the phone when E just disappeared, leaving Liam with her. K was willing to keep Liam with her (and her husband) but wanted to have legal rights in case he needed to go to the doctor, etc. At the time E's boyfriend was in jail and K was going to have him sign the papers there. E told me last night that he did indeed do that and she did too when she came back from her drug bender.

    She once again told me she lied because she didn't want to disappoint me. I told her nothing disappoints me as much as the lies! I also told her she is a grown up and free to make her own decisions, I am not judging her, I just want the truth. I don't think she will ever get that. She does seem very sad about being away from Liam and feels guilty about giving him up to someone else. But she obviously couldn't take care of him on her own with no help from boyfriend so if she has indeed given him up it was probably the best thing for him.

    So, the story is she is staying with friends til her enlistment date of August 17th. She plans to get day labor jobs to buy food but doesn't have to pay rent. One thing, in pics I have seen of her on facebook she looks way too thin. I had mentioned it to her before and she said she tried but just couldn't gain weight. Now she told me she sometimes just had no money for food.

    I see her pattern--pretend that everything is okay until she is desperate and has to call for money. She doesn't want us to know how screwed up she is and her life is. She says she realized she has become just like ex-boyfriend, is living the same life he lives and she doesn't want that anymore.

    So, I won't really know if she is in the Navy til I get something from them. I should receive a box of her personal belongings and a packet of info if she really has joined. I think she has joined but I know anything is possible and my guard is now up. I'm certainly not believing anything she tells me without proof. And, now I need to get back to my neutral zone where what she says and does has no real effect on my own life.

    Thanks for listening, I will update you as things unfold.

  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    A stable home with a happy couple is the best thing she could have done for Liam. I know you know this- I hope some day she knows this, too...and lets them adopt Liam.

    Gosh Jane...I hope this conversation is the truth. I hope she really is joining the Navy and that the experience helps her grow up.


  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Giving up Liam was the most loving thing she could do for him. It was also a very mature thing to do - and about the hardest thing a parent could do. K sounds like a good person. Maybe she will let you have photos of Liam if you want them. It might be reassuring to be able to see pictures of him occasionally.

    I hope she has enlisted. It would likely give her enough structure to turn her life around. The armed forces have many programs to help those with drug problems, so she might get treatment via the navy also.

    It is a shame she cannot realize that the lies hurt more than her actions. Maybe someday she will see it.

    You did a good job of not letting her slip through the lies while keeping your cool.

  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    A year ago...

    I'm so sorry.
  5. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    I'm so sorry, Jane. I kinow this is a HUGE disappointment, but I think the way you have handled it and are continuing to handle it is AWESOME!
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hugs Jane, I know that even though your guard is up and you know this is the best move for E and Liam, you're still hurting inside. The upside is that if E really has joined the Navy, she may really grow from the experience. Likewise, if she really did give Liam up to K, you can hopefully forge a cordial relationship with K and get nice photos of your grandson, happy and clean and well taken care of.

    I hope she's not lying again. Again, hugs to you.
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Jane.
  8. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Thanks for the tremendous support! I'm so glad I have my friends here to confide in. I'm doing okay. I think if Liam is with K it is for the best and I feel sure I could still have a relationship with him. I am looking forward to going out with my husband as we always do on Friday night and looking forward to the weekend. I'm getting back to where I was before where I don't allow E and her drama to consume all my waking hours. I'm thinking of her less and less and I hope she doesn't call too often in the next couple of months!

  9. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Hugs. I know you feel sad about not knowing where your grandson is but he is safe and being cared for.
    Enjoy the weekend and keep hoping she pulls things together for herself but you don't have to go down with her ship.
  10. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Hugs, you are a very strong woman. I'm sorry your g'son is so far away. They must have done a thorough home study before custody was transferred, he needs a stable home.

    Enjoy your quiet adult week-end, you deserve stability too!
  11. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Hugs. So glad you're able to detach and retain your own peace of mind. I'm so sorry you've had to sift through so many lies ... but glad your grandson is now in a stable home.