Update....the jail visit...

[bran155]

Hello everyone. I hope all is well on the home front with all of you.

We just got back from the visit. I didn't get to go in, when I got to the gate I could not find my License!! I put it in my pocket before we left the house, It must have fallen out of my coat. So my poor sister went in alone!!! I felt so bad that I could not go with her. She is such a good Auntie!!!

My daughter is not learning anything at all. My sister said that she is just having the time of her life, talking to everyone, giving other inmates her cell number so that they can write her and trying to hook up with the cute boy inmates!!! She was just as ghetto as ever. Yo this and Yo that. Did not seem to be bothered by the fact that she is in jail whatsoever. Her plan is to go back on the run the minute she is released. She told my sister that she was having fun out there in the streets. She is not afraid at all. My sister said that she was fairly calm but still not grasping the severity of the situation she has put herself in. Pretty scary!!! I just think she is going to be one of those people who go in and out of jail their entire lives. Breaks my heart that she has chosen to live this way. She is still in the hospital part of the jail. She came down to the visit room with another patient who was talking to herself and visibly mentally ill, poor thing.

I really hope that the court mandates her to some sort of treatment facility. I don't think a group home would be enough for her. I think she'll run. I am sure of it. I don't see this getting any better any time soon!!! I think my daughter will continue to be a total mess for many years to come. The only thing that will help her is maturity. She does not learn from her previous experiences or her consequences!!! She just doesn't get it. I don't think she cares much either. That hurts. I do think she is a bit institutionalized as she adapts so well. I would much rather her be scared out of her mind. She only adapts to negativity. If she is put in a situation where she has to deal with people who are progressing in life, doing the right thing, making good decisions, she is visibly uncomfortable. But put her in a place with bars and criminals and she adjusts fine. Wow, that scares me to death. God only knows what is going to come of this kid!!!

I just keep telling myself that I have done all I can for her. The only thing I can do at this point is accept her choices as her own and pray for her!!! I will pray that I don't end up at her funeral. She told my sister that she is planning to go down south when she gets out to meet up with her "peoples" whom she met on-line!!! Never met them in person. Smart girl - hu???

I am a little sad but trying to keep it together.

Thanks for listening.

Shawna

 

[gcvmom]

Her success will really depend on her stability. She sounds delusional right now.

Aren't there Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s with lockdown-type environments? I seem to remember someone either here or through CABF talking about them. Wouldn't she be a candidate for a place like that?

 

[susiestar]

I'm sorry. It really sounds like she will not learn from this. so what you have to do is let her feel the full weight of the consequences. No helping her get out of jail, let her have the public defender, let her really have to handle the situation on her own. Maybe that will get through at some point.

I am so sorry. I know this is so far from what you hoped and dreamed for her. But she has to make her own choices. You can turn your focus to your son and the rest of the family and not let her conflama infect your life any more than it has to.

Sending gentle hugs as I know this must be terribly hard.

 

[Shari]

I am so very sorry. You are right, tho - you have done all you can. All you can do now is pray and hope she hits bottom sooner rather than later.

Sending many hugs.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im sorry....she is sooooo Borderline (BPD) it isnt funny. Let her find her own path. One day she will find her way home I hope.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Some of us hit our bottoms faster than others. When she hits hers, she'll be looking for help.

Praying she hits is soon. I am blown away by how well you have detached! Good job, mom.

 

[Nancy]

She is way too street smart and that is the danger in sending young people to jail. If they are not street smart yet, they can get there real quick. I'm so sorry that she isn't learning a different lesson there.

Nancy

 

[klmno]

I really hope that the court mandates her to some sort of treatment facility.

Me, too! I was hoping that the ativan was being used to help calm her down enough to think a little rational so they could get her to change to medications that would help her more and that she'd be willing to start some kind of treatment plan. By the sounds of it, it doesn't look like she's getting to that point any time soon and apparently, being in jail isn't enough of a motivator.

Maybe it's a good thing that you couldn't get in to see her today. Unfortunately. I'm sorry- I know that must be disappointing.

 

[bran155]

Thank you guys for all of the support and well wishes. I couldn't even begin to tell you all what it means to me to be able to come here and really be understood. My daughter is even so understood here!!!

gcvmom: I agree with you that she cannot fully understand the magnitude of her actions/consequences unless she is stable. Stability is so rare for my child. I have only seen her really stable a few times for short periods of time. Like Janet said, she is so Borderline!!! How do you stabilize Borderline (BPD)??? The medications alone don't do it. I am hoping that this new court we are waiting on will mandate her to a lockdown treatment facility as jail won't do anything for her other than re-inforce her already "ghetto" attitude.

BBK: I hope and pray she will hit her bottom before something horrible happens or before she ends up dead. I try so hard to hold on to a little bit of hope that one day her bottom will come. But I try to stay realistic about it, prepare myself for the worst as I know that at this point she is just un-reachable. As for my strength??? I do not know where it came from. Just a couple of months ago I was falling apart at the seams. Don't get me wrong there is a blanket sadness that I live in everyday, however it has become a secondary feeling. I am able to function and have happy moments now. I really do believe a lot of it comes naturally, a natural progression. And I get so much from you guys. Truly I do.

Janet: You are soooo right!!! Her Borderline is just so prevelant. The more I learn about Borderline (BPD), the more I see it in her. You do give me hope though. I often think of you when I am feeling really down and hopeless. I think about you and your son. Hope all is well with him by the way.

Thanks again my friends. I can only hope I can one day give you a shoulder as comfortable as the shoulders you have given me.

God bless.

 

[bran155]

klmno: I was thinking the same thing about the Ativan. I though if it slowed her thinking down a bit she would be able to see the situation for what it really is. I guess not. And you are right about the visit, I was kind of glad I didn't get to go in. I was so afraid of what I would see. When she is not in front of me spewing her craziness it is much easier for me to remain strong. It's when I look into her big beautiful brown eyes I fall apart. This is just so heartbreaking on so many levels.

Thanks.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, Shawna, I am so sorry.
I'm glad your sister went in. Maybe that was meant to be.
I'm sending support and strength. {{hugs}}

 

[Wiped Out]

Bran,
Sending many hugs and still saying prayers.

 

[bran155]

Thanks Terry and Wiped Out, for your support and continued prayers. I so appreciate it.

I am feeling a bit sad this morning. I woke up with an empty feeling. A sadness only you all can understand. I will not fall apart today though!!! I am getting used to living with this. I try not to think too far into the future because my daughter's future scares the c**p out of me. I try to keep it one day at a time. I just wish something, anything would get through to this kid.

Maybe as the day progresses I'll feel a little better.

Thanks again.

 

[artana]

You are in my thoughts. I can only sit and wonder if in the same situation I would be as strong. I'm sorry that your daughter cannot comprehend the magnitude of her problems.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Just hugs.