Update to my other post...not good

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by DammitJanet, Mar 22, 2008.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Well I tried desperately yesterday to allow things to calm down. Evidently I was the only one trying.

    I got up this morning to hearing Tony screaming at Cory. Now what pray tell do you suppose caused this screaming fit? Cory accidentally took the remote to the TV into his bedroom last night!

    Now supposedly Tony got up at about 6:30 or so and made his coffee and got the baby up...noticed that he couldnt find the remote so he went into Cory's room and asked if he had seen it. Cory calmly said "oh yeah...sorry, I had it in my hand when I came in here. Here it is." No screaming no nothing.

    Then at about 9 when everyone was getting up to get ready to go to the Easter Egg hunt Tony decides this is the time to start screaming. He makes this huge deal about Cory taking it in there....screaming like a banshee. I come out of my room so ticked off to find out exactly what the problem was. Then we all started. Cory was yelling back at his dad to just calm the F down, a remote isnt worth all this screaming and cussing. After all, he gave it back when asked about it.

    Well Tony wont let it go...he keeps screaming and saying really not nice things about Cory and wishing he was dead and gone and on and on. Of course, Cory is screaming back and then I got into it too. I cannot stand all that screaming and cussing when I first wake up...really gets me irate.

    Im telling Tony he needs to either calm the H down or leave. At this point he gets right in my face and says that he doesnt mean S to me, that I would rather listen to my MF this and that piece of garbage kid. We are all trying to tell him to just calm down...he is way overreacting and that this is why he is going to stroke out. He just gets madder. Says he cant have anything in this house and that no one gives a S about him except for the money he brings in. I was like...ok...whatever you say. Thats when he starts in really bad with me...in my face, pushed me twice and thats when I told him he needed to be held on a 72 hour hold because he was completely irrational. But oh no...the only thing wrong with him is he has live with two MF bipolar peope. He grabs a bunch of his junk and throws it in the work van and peels out of the yard.

    Im crying my eyes out and call Jamie to see if he can talk some sense into him because he was claiming he would never put another red cent into this house or give me any money for food even. Jamie calls and basically tells me we have to play nice and stop doing this to his dad. Ok...whatever...I didnt do anything.

    We went to the egg hunt even though I was so mad. I get home and call him to see if he would take me to the ER because I think I either broke a bone in my foot or tore something...it hurts. I fell last night again and my foot went the wrong way. He tells me no, hell no!

    Meanwhile he has called our oldest kid at work and spouts his garbage about how stressed he is and how we just make it so much worse and how all we want him for is a cash cow.

    Whatever. Everyone thinks I need to be so sorry and apologize. I cant see why. I am telling everyone that I am putting the house on the market for half the tax value and selling. He left me with no money. He told me he would pay three of the bills I normally pay because he was out of work the beginning of the month so we needed the money for food and whatnot. But he promised to pay these things with his first big check...that was thursday nights check. So obviously I will end up with some stuff cut off and I wont have money for food. Well I intend to round up everything he owns and put it on craigslist and sell it.

    He thinks everyone around him has issues but him. He needs to look in the mirror because he is acting crazier than I ever have.
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Oh, Janet. I'm so sorry.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Janet -

    NEUTRAL CORNERS NOW!!!!!!!!! NO ONE TALK TO ANYONE FOR AT LEAST A DAY - You all are in crisis and need some therapy IMMEDIATELY!!!!

    Lock yourself in your room - he should not have laid a hand on you!!
    Ask Cory To do the same -

    Leave Tony ALone before he strokes out -

    This whole situation has been too much for you two for so long - you're all living on stress and fear - not love and respect.

    If you don't want him back - fine - but not like this. Not in a heat of the moment - Tony should have been saying how he felt all along and not just blown up at everyone kinda moment - but we don't get to pick and choose our times to blow up.

    Twenty four years is a long time to feel like a cash cow.
    Twenty four years is a VERY long time to put up with 2 difficult child's
    Twenty four years is a lifetime - give it a couple days to calm down.

    Girl - you know he loves you - he's just upset and not articulating well.

    You love him too - just not right now. WHo COULD?

    I'm so sorry for you hon - you have my biggest Hugs.

  4. ML

    ML Guest

    Janet what a horrible day. Is there anything I can do? My heart is breaking for you. I am just so sorry. Do you need a voice? I could call. Thinking of you sweetie xoxoxoxo
  5. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Keeping you guys in my thoughts.

  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm so sorry things have continued to esculate. These types of situations have a way of spiraling out of control especially with all of the stress and such you guys have had going on.

    I think Star is right, at least 24 hours to calm down for both of you sounds like a really good idea. Then maybe the two of you can talk about seeing someone to help you thru this. Cuz I know you two love each other.

    If it's over, then it's over, but it's best not to make decisions like that until the heat of the moment has passed and each of you can think with a clear head.

    And I'm still wondering if maybe Tony is experiencing some personality changes due to the stroke.

    Is there anyone else who can run you to the ER? You should have that foot/ankle looked at.

    Many ((((((hugs))))))) my friend. Hang in there.
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member


    What a horrible day. I think Star is right about giving it some time. Gentle hugs.
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I wish I knew what to say or do. I agree with Star, and I bet you are sick of hearing it.

    So very sorry. Lots of hugs.
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Janet...........I am so sorry.

    I guess I am of the opinion that this is not the first time he has laid a hand on you, and therefore, this is just not any longer an acceptable situation.

    Yes, he has had a personality change since his stroke but he has refused to do anything about it. You cannot do anything except take care of you at this point.

    The baby is witnessing Tony's aberrant yelling fits too much, and you are getting hurt. You need to do something different. I think moving apart for a time is a good choice.

    We will support you no matter what...........but I think that time apart is a necessity............before someone gets hurt.

    You have to also remember that the baby might not be showing behaviors that indicate she is being affected by this, but she is. She absolutely is being scarred by it, and she needs to be protected and removed from this environment. You do not want another difficult child.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Whoah. So sorry.
    I am hoping that you two can stay apart for a couple of days and then talk when things calm down, especially when the kids are not around.
    Take care. Try to get some sleep.
  11. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Janet, I lived with a husband with that kind of irrational, escalating rage for twenty years and I know very well the toll it takes on you. I am so very sorry you have to go through this, especially with everything else you have going on. But you absolutely cannot allow him to put his hands on you in anger ... that's the deal breaker right there. Give it a few days, steer clear of each other, let things calm down a little and then maybe you can talk.

    Did he react this way before he had his stroke? If he has uncontrolled high blood pressure, that can cause that kind of behavior too. Is he upset at all that Cory will be going to jail for a while? Men have really funny ways of showing things sometimes. Whenever my ex had treated our son badly or had done something to him that he should feel guilty about, he'd pick a fight with him! He wasn't subtle about it either! He replaced all the other feelings he had with anger because that was the only way he was comfortable expressing it. He had only one emotion - ANGER! Didn't make sense to me either. Still doesn't. But it's hard to feel guilty about someone you have treated badly if you're MAD at them.

    Sending lots of gentle hugs and keeping all body parts crossed that things get better for you soon ... it's about time!
  12. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest


    Contact the Salvation Army and local churches to see if you can get help with the utilities. They may or may not be able to help you...kinda dicey this time of year as they go through their utility assistance money pretty fast. If not, contact the utility companies and see if you can make some kind of arrangement.

    And breathe. It's been building a long time. Don't make any rash decisions.
  13. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I can only say I understand how you are feeling and how you are going to feel, and I am here if you need a shoulder.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    To answer one question...he was never anywhere near this bad before the stroke. I have talked until I am blue in the face about how he needs to see a psychiatrist about this...he has even gone with me a few times to my therapist who has said the same thing. This is the first time he has put his hands on me in at least 20 years. The only other time was when I threw a jelly glass at him and hit him in the head. All he did then was to make me think he was going to hit me and hit the wall right above my head.

    We have yelled at each other during arguments. We both fight pretty dirty sometimes. My borderline traits come roaring out when I get mad.

    I know we are under an enormous amount of stress right now but I also think he has been letting this stuff brew inside him ever since I got my disability. It represents me having a little bit of money and he is afraid I will leave. I think that is one reason he wanted me to buy a car with payments...so I couldnt financially leave.

    Who knows. He came over to take the baby home and barely said two words to me. He had to use my car because it had the car seat in it but when he returned it, he didnt even tell me he was back. Just threw my keys in the house and left again. He could see I was limping around and really not well. Guess that just didnt matter to him.
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Lisa took the words right out of my mouth. Or perhaps he is just feeling more mortal since the stroke.

    Twenty four years is too long to give up over a misplaced remote. He should not have shoved you, period. I hope that you will be able to get someone to help you two through this.

    And, just for the record, it seems that maybe everyone needs to apologize. Everyone got way out of hand.
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    It really does sound like the stroke has caused some problems. I wonder if he is having mini strokes to help fuel these behaviors.

    He hit you. It MUST be made clear that this can NEVER happen. That because he laid hands on you he MUST go get help.

    24 years is a long time to end in shouting. Maybe you should reread the Explosive Child and use it on Tony? I know when my husband is really stressed I have to do this with him. Basket A, B and C ALL issues with husband.

    I hope you get your foot checked out. I am worried that you keep falling. Please call your doctor about this. IT could be serious.


  17. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    Janet - I'm thinking about you. Please take care of yourself. I have no words of wisdom to offer - just hugs.
  18. tammyjh

    tammyjh New Member

    I'm ditto-ing him having had the stroke as a contributing factor to his moods. My difficult child has a brain injury and once she's angry, she really has no control over what she says and does. It very frustrating and scary at times. I've also read that its very common for people who have had brain injuries to have trouble with mood regulation.

    That said, I'm so sorry that this is happening. When he is in this type of mood, is there anywhere you and the kids can go so that you are not engaging him? Sending thoughts and prayers that things settle for you all.
  19. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    No words of advice here but sending lots of hugs.
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Well he came home this morning and I am attempting to talk to him. He still claims everything is Corys fault and that if I didnt jump into the fray nothing would be my problem. The downside of that is that I simply cannot take people screaming bloody murder around me and stay calm. That is one of my hot buttons. And if you scream at me or around me, I am gonna scream right back.

    I have made it clear that I expect him to take off work at least once a month to get set up with a psychiatrist and a therapist. He isnt happy about it and thinks he has no problems but Im not giving up.