Update to update with questions . . .

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kathy813, Apr 27, 2010.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I thought that I would start a new thread since the other one was getting very long. I called the mental health clinic and spoke with someone at intake about what we saw going on. He said that we needed to talk to the nurse in charge of difficult child's case and gave me her phone number. I tried several times yesterday afternoon but just got a message that she was away from her desk and to call back.

    I told husband that he was going to have to call the next morning (this morning) because it was very hard for me to have privacy at school. In the meantime, we discovered that the Ambian was not even from the mental health clinic. She had gotten that from our family physician when she went there for a sinus infection. He got a hold of the nurse first thing this morning and had a long conversation.

    Basically,she said that difficult child was exhibiting classic addictive behavior and that the alcohol combo was dangerous. She suggested that difficult child might be a candidate for detox. She is putting all the info husband gave her into difficult child's file. I think difficult child is scheduled to go in there within the next week, so we'll see.

    The nurse also asked if difficult child would go to detox voluntarily and husband said no. Last night was terrible because I made the mistake of telling difficult child that I had called the mental health clinic. She was on a tirade that I was the crazy one and everyone at the mental health clinic knew it because she had told them all about me and that I had no right to interfere. I told her that I had no choice because she was going to end up dead or in jail at the rate that she was going.

    I also asked her why she wanted to live here if I was so crazy. LOL

    The nurse told husband that difficult child shouldn't be living here and that we were enabling her. From her mouth to God's ears! I am so glad that husband was the one that made that phone call. I think this will help him be stronger when it comes to dealing with difficult child.

    So husband and I are going out to dinner to make some plans. I do have some questions for you guys . . .

    Do we just give her the 30 day eviction notice and let the chips fall where they may? Or would you give her the option of detox and a chance to stay longer if she cooperates.

    difficult child told husband that she was not coming home after work tonight since she was going to see her on and off boyfriend so at least we will have one night of peace. I have a feeling that the next 30 days are going to be very unpleasant to say the least.

    I may be needing a lot of support.

    Last edited: Apr 27, 2010
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I would give her the 30 notice and let the chips fall where they may. She would not need to know that if she got herself into detox on her own volition that you might reconsider allowing her to return upon her successful release. But forced detox won't ever work. If she comes to that conclusion on her own, she has a chance, if she goes because someone makes her, she's just shining you on.

    I'm glad that husband was the one to talk to the nurse, too. He really needed to hear that from her.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I agree with Witz.

    The option of having her go to detox to stay sounds good. BUT it is not going to work unless she is the one who thinks she has the addiction and wants to be clean. Period. It blows wind really bad, but that's the bare and simple fact.

    Me personally? I'd set a deadline that I felt was reasonable, tell her it's time to grow up and move out of the nest, and follow through when the deadline was reached even if she made no motions toward moving out.

    Then I'd get my fanny to every al anon meeting I could attend, cuz it's going to be hard learning not to enable because what we (unaddictive people) think of as simple gestures of kindness, usually are enabling behaviors to someone who has an addiction. And of course hang out here cuz we got big shoulders and Dumbo size ears and will always be here for you.

  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I probably wouldn't say anything until she was in detox. The priority is getting her out into a safe place where you have staff to back you up.
    Maybe the social worker can help difficult child find some housing.
  5. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    my first gut reaction is to let her stay under the condition of detox. However, as it has been said unless she is really wanting to get clean, detox may not work. Usually people have to hit rock bottom before they seek help, you could tell her your detox plan and see if she is at all interested, if she flies off the handle and tells you she is not addicted and doesn't need help, then you know your next move would be to ask her to leave.

    From my point of view and what I've been through, I would try to get her to detox before I tell her to leave. It may not work the first time, but maybe it will help her understand the predicament she got herself into, and that she does need help.

    I'm so glad you and husband called the doctors. most doctors. don't know all of the things prescribed to a patient unless the patient is honest with them.

    Hang in there. (((HUGS)))

  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Given that you don't have insurance for her and you don't have the money to put her into detox without the insurance, I wouldn't offer it. She's likely to find funding or resources if she tries on her own. I guarantee you that you will be expected to pay for it if you are the one initiating it. Then it will be your fault that she didn't go because you didn't mortgage the house or cash in your retirement to put her in, and she'll have gotten exactly what she wanted (to not go to detox) and she can blame you and lay the guilt at your feet.

    Let her do it herself. If she brings it up, support her. But I wouldn't say a word.