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Update - when the phone rings
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<blockquote data-quote="Beta" data-source="post: 754597" data-attributes="member: 22597"><p><em><strong>"My immediate thinking: he's sorry, he's desperate, he has no one, he needs help." </strong></em></p><p>Acacia, you and I are currently pretty much in the same situation with our DS. This is exactly what runs through my mind when a text message comes into my husband's phone from him or the phone rings. Then I have to stop and remember how unlikely it is and how very likely it is he is just lashing out verbally. I think you absolutely did the right thing, and it gives me strength to do the same for myself. Stay strong, and I will too. </p><p></p><p><em><strong>"But, bravo. I refuse to answer. I will not allow myself to be treated horribly. If he want to make amends, he can write a letter. Any real change is a long, long way off. This is hard, but I am done. Sometimes I am afraid, but I am done. Sometimes I am heartbroken, but I am done. "</strong></em></p><p><em><strong></strong></em></p><p>Another mantra I can adopt for myself. You are right--if our Difficult Child wanted to change and made amends, they would move heaven and earth to do that. </p><p></p><p><strong><em>"Change is possible for me. Change may or may not be possible for my son, but it is out of my hands, but until my son treats me with respect, I am done."</em></strong></p><p></p><p>Yes. The book I am currently reading, "When Love Hurts" says that the only way to change the relationship is to change ourselves. When we change ourselves, it may not change the difficult person at all, but it automatically changes the relationship because it changes the way we respond to that person. We are not doing ourselves or our Difficult Child any favors when we allow them to hurt us; something else I have to constantly remind myself of. </p><p></p><p>Chickpea, you said, "I literally still have PTSD from my daughter's phone calls." I've come to realize that I too have at least a minimal amount of this. It took a while to realize what was happening to me, but I can't allow that anymore. Trauma takes its toll on us physically, mentally, emotionally, and I realized I had to stop the cycle before it really began to do that even more. Just from a self-preservation aspect. </p><p></p><p>BusynMember said, <strong><em>"We always want to think the best of them. I know I did. But if there was a big change in your son he would let you know. There are ways beyond the phone and he would use them. I think it was smart not to answer. His last response to you was horrid. They don't just change overnight. He threatened you. For me that is a serious thing to do</em></strong>."</p><p></p><p>I think that's one of the things that woke me up. I realized one day that I had become desensitized a little bit to Josh's verbal attacks, enough to no longer be as shocked as I once was, and yet these things ARE very serious, very shocking, and a very horrendous thing to do to your parents. That's when I realized that I was experiencing the effects of trauma. Abuse victims begin to view that way of life as a normal part of life and just accept it. That was a wake up call to me. </p><p></p><p>So Acacia, I applaud your strength. Keep protecting yourself and doing what is right, for you and for your DS. We tend to view them as they once were--the sweet, loving children we loved and nurtured, but that's not where they are right now, and it may never be.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Beta, post: 754597, member: 22597"] [I][B]"My immediate thinking: he's sorry, he's desperate, he has no one, he needs help." [/B][/I] Acacia, you and I are currently pretty much in the same situation with our DS. This is exactly what runs through my mind when a text message comes into my husband's phone from him or the phone rings. Then I have to stop and remember how unlikely it is and how very likely it is he is just lashing out verbally. I think you absolutely did the right thing, and it gives me strength to do the same for myself. Stay strong, and I will too. [I][B]"But, bravo. I refuse to answer. I will not allow myself to be treated horribly. If he want to make amends, he can write a letter. Any real change is a long, long way off. This is hard, but I am done. Sometimes I am afraid, but I am done. Sometimes I am heartbroken, but I am done. " [/B][/I] Another mantra I can adopt for myself. You are right--if our Difficult Child wanted to change and made amends, they would move heaven and earth to do that. [B][I]"Change is possible for me. Change may or may not be possible for my son, but it is out of my hands, but until my son treats me with respect, I am done."[/I][/B] Yes. The book I am currently reading, "When Love Hurts" says that the only way to change the relationship is to change ourselves. When we change ourselves, it may not change the difficult person at all, but it automatically changes the relationship because it changes the way we respond to that person. We are not doing ourselves or our Difficult Child any favors when we allow them to hurt us; something else I have to constantly remind myself of. Chickpea, you said, "I literally still have PTSD from my daughter's phone calls." I've come to realize that I too have at least a minimal amount of this. It took a while to realize what was happening to me, but I can't allow that anymore. Trauma takes its toll on us physically, mentally, emotionally, and I realized I had to stop the cycle before it really began to do that even more. Just from a self-preservation aspect. BusynMember said, [B][I]"We always want to think the best of them. I know I did. But if there was a big change in your son he would let you know. There are ways beyond the phone and he would use them. I think it was smart not to answer. His last response to you was horrid. They don't just change overnight. He threatened you. For me that is a serious thing to do[/I][/B]." I think that's one of the things that woke me up. I realized one day that I had become desensitized a little bit to Josh's verbal attacks, enough to no longer be as shocked as I once was, and yet these things ARE very serious, very shocking, and a very horrendous thing to do to your parents. That's when I realized that I was experiencing the effects of trauma. Abuse victims begin to view that way of life as a normal part of life and just accept it. That was a wake up call to me. So Acacia, I applaud your strength. Keep protecting yourself and doing what is right, for you and for your DS. We tend to view them as they once were--the sweet, loving children we loved and nurtured, but that's not where they are right now, and it may never be. [/QUOTE]
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