I think we all go through times when we think things aren't "so bad", and breathe easier. However in our hearts we know none of this makes sense, and feel like we can't do anything to help them.
I asked today if he paid off his old dealer, and he says he did. Do I believe this is the end? Not really.... I have been here before.
But in order to get up and go to work and be present for my students, I have to find some way to believe that he is telling me the truth... This time.
I spent today mostly alone and felt sad and tired all day. Part of me looks forward to faking it at work and smiling , and making small talk. I really like my job, and my co workers. They have no idea the despair I feel at home, and I like it that way. I don't want their sympathy or to talk about it. I want to feel normal and happy, even if it's only for a few hours. The kids I work with are amazing, and I never fail to laugh or feel grateful because of the work I do. I am really blessed.
I have a wonderful, loving husband who deserves a happy wife. I know he is hurting too, and we both just want our boys to be healthy and productive.
I am going to try to take care of me this week, going for walks and eating better. I am tired of feeling so terrible. It doesn't help my son, I really am ready to let him figure it out. If he gets better, that will be wonderful. But I realize I can't do it for him. He says all the right things, but I haven't seen the actions. It's time. I'm done.
