Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by ColleenB, Mar 22, 2016.

  1. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Son has admitted he is still dealing. He skipped classes yesterday because he was out all night, so I just finally got really angry and demanded he be honest with us.

    He is saying that his supplier is demanding 2000, due to loses from before. According to son, he let them go until son said he needs to stop dealing, and is making it hard for him to stop. He told us he is just trying to pay off his debt and that it should only take a month.

    Of course we said that is not an option, he can't live here and deal. He said he would move out for a while. I don't want this to be an option for him. Knowing he is dealing is killing me, I can't live with that. I pushed that we pay the debt, it is a loan and we expect him to pay us back. I can't live with knowing I didn't do everything possible to get him out of this.

    I know this may be a mistake. I accept the risk. The alternative is to have him at risk of arrest or worse.

    I know there are those who don't agree with this, I get it. I really do. I just also know I have to try and get him away from this dangerous life.

    I have contacted a rehab, he is adamant that he finish his term, which is only a few more weeks. I will continue to push treatment. I realize he needs help, and not just a bail out.

    I am taking it a day at a time. I don't know what will happen.

    To make matters more stressful my father, who has mental illness and a disability, needs money.... Again. My sister lives near him and has the primary care of him, but I can't let her bear the burden alone. She has a young family and works too. We will find a way to send them money too.

    I took today as a sick day. I needed a day to regroup, as I am sick, and am feeling worn out.

    We did take away sons car, and have been very clear about his dealing. It is ending , it has too. We can monitor his bank account (he doesn't know this) so we can see the e transfers.

    I worry about how we are going to go forward. He says he isn't using, and it doesn't seem like he is. But I honestly don't trust much of what he says.

    Surprisingly, even with the news he still owes money, I actually feel he is st least telling us some truth, perhaps not all of it... But it's something.

    Taking it a minute at a time.
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Colleen, you really do have a lot on your plate right now. I can't believe I'm even asking this but how much does he owe? I think if it was me, and I know many wouldn't agree, is if it was a reasonable amount I would pay it off with the agreement that he enters rehab right after school and if he doesn't he would have to leave my house. The alternative is for him to go to the authorities, if these are big enough dealers they will be interested in having him help them arrest the dealers. But that comes with a whole new set of problems.

    I'm sorry things looks so dark right now, you have to do what you feel is right for your family. I'm sorry that your father is also in need of your support right now.
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Totally understand Colleen. You have to do what you have to do to feel you have done everything you can to save him. So I really do understand.....just be careful and stay very aware. He could easily be lying to you and covering up his use...we think we can tell when they are using but we can't always. I worry about waiting until the end of the term for rehab....although if he can successfully finish his term that is a good sign....but the rehab may not take him or insurance won't pay if at the time he goes he is not actively using.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter had dealers after her. I sympathize with your possible desire to pay them off, but it is also highly possible that she wants this nice chpunk of change for her kwn drug use. As my daughter says, and now she is clean, drug users lie. They lie like they breathe.

    But you do have to do what is best for your peace of mind and we all support that.

    Have a great day or at least try to
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi Colleen; sorry you are going through this.

    Didn't you give your son $1200 or something not long ago for the dealer situation and now he is back into the same boat again? I just worry for you. Our children lie to us when they are using and/or involved in that lifestyle.

    We demanded our son go to rehab or leave and he did go to rehab. I knew he had no place to go and really no friends so that made it harder. He was the kid that never even wanted to go to sleepovers because he just wanted to be "home" so it was very hard for us. He wasn't dealing but using pills and drinking. But he wasn't respecting himself, us, or our home. I think it's the hardest thing but best thing we ever did. We were going to let our son finish his semester too but he went too far off the rails; he was somehow getting A's. We are still trying to get our money back due to the hospitalization and have a good chance. I totally get it that you want him to finish the semester but be careful of him using that to manipulate you. Our son did that for awhile too.

    Do what is best for your family but there is probably a lot you don't know. There always is. We JUST went through something very similar. It seems so unfair that this happened to our family. I am heartsick that he is not in our home but I know he can't be. He may never be able to live with us again.

    Prayers and hugs for you.
  6. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Colleen
    So true...and they lie constantly. It is difficult to understand that the drugs have become the most important focus of their lives and that due to this, they are no longer who we think they are.
    I so know this hurt, many of us do. Has he kept his promises? Paid you back in the past? Can he "get him out of this"?

    Try to slow down, keep posting and be sure you are seeing all the possibilities.

    It is so your decision, you have to do what you can live with. But be very cautious, knowing there always is "more to the story" and we always want to believe the best in our kids. Prayers.
  7. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    ColleenB, I am sorry to hear this. I know it must be agonizing for you and your family. I don't have advice but think the members who posted already gave excellent advice. Hang in there.
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Colleen this is from your February 12 post. Please do not be upset with me, I remembered reading it and thought to myself, didn't this just happen?

    I am not judging you, none of us have that "right" , we are not experts, just moms and dads who care because of the similar situations that have brought us all together here. What ever we write comes from the heart of one who understands.

    That being written, I am hoping that you will take a bit of time to breathe and think this through. Not to urge you to change your mind. It is up to you how you move forward and remedy this. I know this is difficult enough, and one day at a time is all we can handle. But, perhaps you could think on what your plan is if your son comes to you again with this same matter.

    I am writing this because we went through years of helping our two. In retrospect, I would have done things differently, but whats done, is done. The only thing I can do with the memories of it all, is try to make better choices for the present and future, and share a bit here, so something good may come of the experiences.

    My two were very clever at hiding the truth. It was what I wanted to believe, but in the long run, I have learned that when addiction speaks it is purely to continue on the same path. Addiction drives our kids and us to desperate levels. They are our beloveds, and we would go to the ends of the earth to make things right again. They know this.

    My daughter to this day will deny being an addict.
    She has moments of clarity, depression, manic behavior. Lives on the streets, hangs out with meth users. There is a man up the road from us, who has been using meth for quite some time, his body and face showing the telltale signs. I know his wife, she has been caught up in this ordeal and is very afraid of his psychotic outbursts, destruction of their home etc.

    My daughter, last told me- "He is a really smart, nice person, I go to him for advice, I feel really badly, because he has stomach cancer."
    She told me this with the most sincerest, tear moistened, shaky voiced performance.
    I was disgusted, it is an insult to all who have suffered from cancer that she would use this to attribute to his physical decline. He does not have stomach cancer, he is a drug addict.

    So is my daughter. My daughter, who will look me straight in the eye and deny it. But, hang out with the shadiest looking characters and live on the streets.

    It is because she is telling me what she thinks I want to believe, so that she can continue on her path, and have us enable her. I am done with enabling her. It is hard, but it is her choice to continue as is. There is nothing, nothing I can do to convince her otherwise. I love her, but I have had to accept that, and it is the hardest thing.

    CD is wonderful not only from the help we get here, but because it is a journal of our pain and heartache and the comfort we receive, but most importantly, a timeline of events. I can recall a lot of things that went on through the years but really didn't journal about it then, we were going from one chaotic drama to the next while trying to live our daily lives. It all just translates now to a jumbled mess of enough. So, it is good that you are here as this situation is playing out, because you have this timeline. It is very hard to think with a clear head when our hearts are so caught up in the whirlwind of it all, going from one level of madness to feeling almost normal, to the next level of madness. We become dazed and confused. It is the definition of trauma at the highest peak ever. I have come to the conclusion that dazed and confused is where addicts would like us to stay.

    I understand your extreme distress and wanting to protect your son. So, you have to do what makes you feel comfortable, and be able to look yourself in the mirror. This is your journey, your son, your family. What works for some, may not work for others.

    I am so sorry that you are faced with this. It is so very hard. My father was very sick with a terminal illness as my two were caught up with their addiction. It is an unimaginable torture to have to burn the candle at both ends.

    I understand your decision. I am not sharing this to add to your pain, Lord knows you have enough on your plate. I hope your son is sincere and will finish his term and get out of this business. I am glad that you are considering this a loan, and expect him to pay you back.

    My heart and thoughts go out to you, as you travel this difficult journey. No judgement, just concern for you and your sanity through all of this. It is an incredible internal struggle. Know that you are held and what I have written is from my experience. I pray that your son will wake up from this madness.

    We are all here for you no matter what.
    I pray your son sees the light and appreciates this chance that you are again so lovingly and heart-fully giving him. I know that you must have incredible mixed feelings and it is agonizing.
    Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing. Do not fear judgement, for I truly believe that none of us has that in mind.
    Just replying with our own experiences and out of deep concern for a fellow warrior moms health and heart.

    Take care Colleen and know that you are not alone and you are held by so many others who understand the pain and hardship.

    My prayers go out to you, your family and your son.
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  9. Nature

    Nature Active Member

    There are no judgements here and I too pray for your wounded heart. I know how difficult this must be and the ultimate choice you are about to make. I only wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.
  10. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Just in light of the fact that he had the same situation just last month, I hope this is not just a way to get you to finance his drug habit.
  11. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    We ended up giving him some money, and made it very clear it is a loan, and this situation will not happen again.

    He promised his father he is done dealing.

    I honestly don't know what to beleive or even hope for at this point. I feel I'm in daily survival mode. I can't continue this way for much longer, I know this. He has two more weeks of classes, then he has to find a job. I don't know if he can even handle a legit one anymore. I feel the drugs and dealing have made him lazy, and unreliable.

    We have a social invite tonight and I've already decided I can't go. Listening to friends talk about their child's scholarships or academic successes is just too painful right now. I can't even pretend to be happy for them , as I'm too sad for myself. I know I sound selfish and horrible. I feel that way right now.

    I used to be such a positive and outgoing person. I love people and being around them. Now I just want to hide in my house, and I feel so little joy in life. I am still usually positive at work, but it's so draining when I get home I can't even get off the couch. I don't want my students to suffer so I make sure they are my priority at school, but it takes all my energy, so by the end of my days I am just wiped out.

    I feel that my personal life is so flat. I don't want to see anyone or be around anyone.

    I am talking to my doctor, and she has put me on anti depressants. They have helped me do my job, but I still can't really do anything else. I feel numb most days.

    I just want to be myself again.
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  12. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Colleen, I am sorry that things are so rough for you. This is the hardest thing to go through.
    I do understand the daily survival mode, it is hard to keep on keeping on with so much on your mind and heart.
    Try not to write the end of the story for your son. Yes, drugs turn our kids into something that they are not, but if they want to, they can get clean and go back to finding their purpose and meaning.
    I hope your son takes this chance to break free from all of this.
    Colleen, I understand this feeling. I am trying to lift myself up as well. One thing that helps me is walking. Although you probably don't feel much like doing anything, a bit of exercise releases endorphins and helps to clear the mind. I don't know if the weather in your area permits, but even taking a yoga class or something, anything to get moving and get your mind on YOU. You deserve to live your life, regardless of what your sons choices are. I am talking to myself here, too. I have hit the proverbial wall with my d cs situation, too. SIGH. Anything you can find to lift your spirits. A nice long hot bath. A good book. Listening to music you enjoy. A hobby, do you have any hobbies you enjoy? It does our children no good if we go down with them. When they get well, there will be nothing left of us.
    Our sacrificing our lives will not save them.
    I have felt like this as well. It is hard to be around people when energy level is so low, or all thoughts are on what is going on with our d cs. I have to work hard at not blurting out my sorrows. What a conversation stopper.......That is why I am here so often, it helps me to get it out, and relieves my good friends of their "therapist" role. UGH.
    I went through the numbness over the holidays. It was paralyzing, for sure. It is a normal reaction to the intense pain of all of this.
    Be very kind and gentle with yourself. Take baby steps. Sometimes making simple goals for yourself help, little mundane easy tasks. Anything to try to get the focus where it belongs, on you. This may sound selfish. It is not. Self care is so very important.

    After reading so many posts here, and from my own experience, I feel that our d cs are subconsciously intent on keeping us in this state of numbness and FOG.
    It is because here in the FOG and depression, we are turned upside down and neglect ourselves.

    In this state of mind, we can't think clearly and make good decisions.
    Everything becomes blurred and topsy turvy.

    We are sleep deprived, joy deprived and self deprived.

    Our focus is on the kids, how can we help them, when will this stop, where is the relief?

    The reality is, if we cannot even help ourselves, we cannot even begin to truly help our kids.

    I am writing to myself as much as I am writing to you dear sister.

    So, here goes,
    to me and to you.
    If we really want to help the kids, this state of mind, this FOG, numbness,

    It only serves one thing, to further the madness of their choices.
    It is an infection.
    We are infected by being so badly affected by their choices.

    Out, it must go, this infection,
    if we are going to have any chance of helping the kids.

    I am talking about helping, not enabling.

    I am talking about being a living, breathing, walking example of how life works.

    I am talking about finding our fire, our spark, what drives us to find our purpose and meaning.
    This has nothing to do with what the kids are doing
    and has everything to do with us.

    Really, the kids have sunk to a low level of living,
    and we have followed them with our broken hearts and minds.


    Find a way to lift up.
    We are piloting our planes and flying dangerously low to the ground.
    If we crash, it does nothing for the kids.

    It is the oxygen mask that suddenly pops out from the ceiling
    and the instructions are to put your mask on first
    then the kids,

    we cannot do anything for them, if we pass out with this.

    Put your oxygen mask on.

    Do anything that helps you breathe.

    Know that the broken, oxygen deprived you cannot do anything for your son.
    The broken me, does not do anything for my daughters.

    Small steps to try and untangle yourself from all of this.
    It is like a big old ball of tangled up yarn.
    One small move at a time, to untangle.
    Your son is not doing it for himself
    Neither are my daughters.
    So, it is up to us, to escape from the tangled up mess.

    That is the paralysis and the numbness, we are so wrapped up in what the kids are doing.
    We need to somehow untangle ourselves and take a step back to breathe
    and see the situation for what it is.

    You can do this, Colleen.
    If not for yourself, for your son.
    You do no good for him, by throwing your life away with the pain and sorrow of this.
    One day, one step at a time.
    Turn the sorrow around to determination.
    Determination to rise above all of this and to live your life as best you can.
    I know you have taught your kids that action speaks louder than words, and to live as an example.

    Be the example.

    Work hard to be the strongest you.

    The strongest you, is what will help your son.

    The you, that says I will not go down with this.
    By saying "I will not go down with this" you are doing the best thing for your son.
    You are showing him, by your actions, that it is possible for him to rise above.

    You are the living, breathing example of rising above.

    Pull up your plane, Colleen.
    And I will pull up mine.
    One day, one step at a time.


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  13. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

  14. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    Thank you Colleen for putting into words exactly how I feel. I am sorry for our situations. And Leafy your response is so beautifully written and hopeful and full of excellent advice.
  15. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Me too, may the good Lord help us all find peace.

  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I know exactly how you feel as most of us here do. I can totally identify with your post. I too was/am still a very positive and social person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's like you just want to SCREAM out so everyone knows what you feel. But of course we can't do that so we either pretend all is well or hide from everyone.

    The only thing that has kept me from going into deep despair is that my son is sober for long bouts of time and then I tell myself he is fine. Even though during his sober time he never did anything - didn't work, hardly socialized, barely left the house. I told myself he was "healing" and dealing with his social anxiety and needed this time. He was sober and that was good enough for me but it wasn't really okay or normal. He wasn't doing anything with his life. He was suspended in time and so was I. So my situation is very very strange and seems to be unlike the others on this forum or maybe I'm the only one that has posted about it.

    Sometimes I think we just have to go through the feelings we have and deal with them and get through it as best we can. I did see a therapist and was on Lexapro for a while which did help. The message from my therapist and the message here really is detach and take care of yourself.

    We're all in this together!
  17. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member

    I really don't like to post, not sure why but I still feel very vulnerable after I share. Anyhow, RN0441 you said

    and so I feel compelled to tell you my "not so normal" story. With my son, we go through very intense periods, where he gets angry and verbally abuses our family. He will get extremely angry over something as simple as asking him to help out with a chore. And he will punch holes in the wall, break things, etc. It is very scary and lately each time he does it we call the police. Last time we called the police, he ended up in the hospital and then 10 days in partial hospitalization. I do think he is slowly learning that he has to find a way to handle these extreme temper tantrums (for lack of a better word). So these are the times where I am worried sick and scouring the internet for help, calling different specialists, etc. And also the times where I feel as if I am living a double life. I am scared and a wreck but don't tell anyone what is going on. Not my mother, not close friends, no one. Yet then everything settles way down and we breathe a sigh of relief and begin to feel hopeful. I tell myself that he is ok. Yet, this is where I can relate to you saying your situation is very strange. He too gets suspended in time. He doesn't work. He doesn't do any school work. He is making NO move towards growing up and becoming independent as he swares he so much wants. He stays in his room,he doesn't see friends, won't come with us anywhere. Yet because he is not angry and breaking things we tell ourselves that this is ok. That this is a "normal" we can live with. He is actually friendly and talks to us and doesn't appear to be doing anything that is wrecking his future. Yet this is my child who used to get excellent grades, play travel and high school sports, had friends wherever he went, was a boy scout. So NO its not normal and if I spend anytime thinking about it, I know it. Its very confusing and heartbreaking.
  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    U&D thank you for your post.

    It does sound like you are experiencing a lot of abnormal things also and you find peace in between like we did. My son did go with us to Sams or Costco or out to eat or to see a movie. But we hated he was hanging out with his 50 year old parents and not doing things normal 20 year olds do.

    His said he was driven to his last binge (for lack of a better word) by the fact that he would not be happy until he was doing things that other 20 year olds were doing yet his substance abuse prevented him from "getting there". What a nightmare. It broke our hearts for him to be stuck like this.

    He didn't use H or Meth or anything but his doctor was abusing benzos. He didn't think that was so bad because at one time they were prescribed. We forbid him from ever taking them because he ALWAYS abused and did horrible things.

    He is now living in sober living in Florida and has a job and seems to really like it and he is with people his own age. I still stay up nights stressing over what his next move is. UGH it's horrible.

    We are not alone!!
  19. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I think we all go through times when we think things aren't "so bad", and breathe easier. However in our hearts we know none of this makes sense, and feel like we can't do anything to help them.

    I asked today if he paid off his old dealer, and he says he did. Do I believe this is the end? Not really.... I have been here before.

    But in order to get up and go to work and be present for my students, I have to find some way to believe that he is telling me the truth... This time.

    I spent today mostly alone and felt sad and tired all day. Part of me looks forward to faking it at work and smiling , and making small talk. I really like my job, and my co workers. They have no idea the despair I feel at home, and I like it that way. I don't want their sympathy or to talk about it. I want to feel normal and happy, even if it's only for a few hours. The kids I work with are amazing, and I never fail to laugh or feel grateful because of the work I do. I am really blessed.

    I have a wonderful, loving husband who deserves a happy wife. I know he is hurting too, and we both just want our boys to be healthy and productive.

    I am going to try to take care of me this week, going for walks and eating better. I am tired of feeling so terrible. It doesn't help my son, I really am ready to let him figure it out. If he gets better, that will be wonderful. But I realize I can't do it for him. He says all the right things, but I haven't seen the actions. It's time. I'm done.
  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Colleen, I am glad you have this and are happy with your job, co workers and students. It is so important to be able to get a break from the heavy hearted feeling. The distraction of work is a good thing.

    We all want our kids to thrive. It is understandable that when they do not, it takes a toll on us.
    Good for you Colleen. Walking is very helpful for me, too. I have to get back to that routine. The terrible feelings do get old.
    One day at a time.
    Your son is still so young. There is much hope for him to choose to live differently, and yes, he does have to decide that for himself.
    Work on you. That is where you have control.
    May God help us and give us peace of mind and heart, and may we take each day to start anew.