Use Your Words or Stop Complaining (Vent)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by susiestar, May 22, 2011.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    husband is grumpy. The doctor put him on prednisone on Friday plus gave him a shot of steroids. Plus he had a steroid shot a week before that. So yesterday he took 5 of the tablets, today is 4, tomorrow 3 and so on until they are gone. I expected this to happen and we warned the kids.

    He just informed me that he "cannot" be sick anymore, he refuses to be because we will have no clean dishes ever again if he isn't well enough to do it.

    We have decided FIVE times in the last two months that we are going to have the children clean the kitchen. They need reminders and supervision. I can only do so much, esp today while fighting a nasty migraine that is not responding to imitrex. I beat it back but not gone and have been fighting it for four days.

    I told him flat out that NO he is NOT going to do the dishes. He is going to go out and tell the kids that THEY are cleaning the kitchen. To tell them that they have until 2 or whenever time he picks and they will have every dish clean. Period.

    These are pcs. Yes, if you don't make an issue of it they are not going to do it. They have to be told. husband won't outright refuse to tell them to do chores, but he sure does all he can to not tell them. He may ASK if they WANT to do a chore but if they say no he says oh. okay. Like it is okay. Then he does it and gritches about it. I am sick to death of it.

    It has been a HUGE problem in our marriage because he is like this with every single chore. He thinks they should see that it needs to be done and just do it. This is the same man who will NOT wipe off a counter or table even if it has a solid coating of yuck stuck onto it. He will walk over a piece of paper on the floor, taking care to not step on it, but will NOT pick it up, no matter what. So how should the kids see what HE doesn't see???

    Talk about shock. He expected me to do the "oh you are sick, poor baby, I will take care of it." **** or else to do a handful of dishes and gripe all day and all the next MONTH about how when he was so sick he still HAD to do all the work. Not getting that, getting scolded and told that he WILL step up and be a parent and assign chores to the kids was a shock. His jaw fell open and he just looked at me.

    If I find out he did those dishes, his head is going to spin - cause I am SICK of this passive aggressive koi. If you don't want to do it, make the kids. If you don't want to make them do it, do it yourself and don't act like a martyr!!

    As Dolly Parton's character said in the movie "Straight Talk", "Get down off the cross, honey. Somebody needs the wood!"

    Do your husbands refuse to ever tell the kids to do any chores unless you specifically tell them to? Why?? What on EARTH makes this man so reluctant to assign chores to pcs?
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, I hear ya!
    Last night after dinner, my husband loaded the dishwasher while he shouted to easy child, who was on the couch watching a movie on her laptop, "Nice of you to help us with-the dishes. Yep, that's what kids do around here ... help us out ..."
    She got the msg but it was too late by then.
    You have to leave the dishes and make it into a real chore.
    "Mom, can I have some money?"
    "Sure, as soon as you finish the pots and pans."

  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    P.S. I know that prednisone works, but I hate the side effects. I know you can't wait for him to get well!
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    My husband could be the king of passive agressive.............except I'm the QUEEN! :rofl:

    I can go both ways, fight fire with fire, or tell it like it is. (best to keep em guessing) Depends on which suits the situation better.

    I had to have that moment with husband when easy child was about 11 or 12. Kids were still fairly young. He would either pawn it off on me to tell them to do something......or ask them, but not outright tell them to do anything.

    Years later it went to the opposite extreme and he started acting as if the kids were his personal slaves. So I had to call him out on it again.

    No. You don't order the legally blind kid to mow the yard, or trim the weeds, or hatchet down the small trees you've let overgrow in the yard......and give him an or else. Uh, don't think so. YOUR job, go do it. For the past four years we've had this confrontation.

    Now my battle is to get husband up off his fanny period.
  5. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Same issue different dude! Mine is just a nice guy/nonconfrontive individual who doesn't want to be the tough dad. He does it after I tell him he has to. Yep, and mine doesn't see dust, messes,grime, or pee on the toilet......unless he decides to!
  6. keista

    keista New Member

    You described my husband so concisely! The twist for us was that when I got on him to step up and be a parent, he would push it back to me saying it was my job and his job was to bring home the paycheck. I wasn't even asking him to parent by himself, just actively back me up and repeat what I said, or even just remind ME what needed to be done. Yeah, giving his wife gentle reminders was too much work.

    The other twist is that I am a chronically disorganized hoarder, and have struggled with housework all my life. I fit the behavior, but not the thought process. I know kids learn better by example and am "trying harder" to fix my issues so I can do a better job of teaching them. (Seriously not a "lazy" thing since I'll spend hours with yardwork, have worked up to 3 jobs at a time, as a waitress, I kept things immaculate to the point my coworkers thought my house should look like a spotless museum, etc I just can't seem to get into a real housekeeping routine) In essence, he was enabling my bad behavior/habbits and then using it against me. I'm so glad he decided to leave on his own.
    Last edited: May 22, 2011
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Nope, nope and NOPE.

    See for years I had the king of aversion living under my roof. In 13 years of marriage we had over 40 room mates. Yup, he took in 'boarders' to pay for his portion of the rent (yes I said his portion), utilities, food. So imagine my surprise when he took in this smelly, Sasquatch of a man that was a friend of a friend of a friend after Dude was born. I think the baby was maybe 3 months old.

    This 'man' would get up at 5:00 AM, fry breakfast, make his lunch, and leave me the mess. He lived there 2 months and NEVER -never did a load of laundry. I'm telling you the stench from his room was unbearable. I complained to my x, but since ole Satch was paying x wasn't listening. Well it all came to a head one night and I finally had an adult to hairy beast talk with the man and said my part that I was NOT taking care of his mess any more. I was not going to smell the smell coming out of the room, and that I was tired of tucking a towel at his door so I could breath in my own house - He WAS going to do laundry - and NOW, he was going to stop leaving me his mess, and I meant it. The guy was playing Nintendo, but agreed.

    So he stopped, gathered his clothes, and went to the laundromat. I thought - okay battle a. complete. The next morning? Different story. He gets up, fries his eggs and bologna, makes his lunch and I hear the horn blow and I hear him leave out the door. I thought OH NO, OH Naught ah. I got up, I ran down the hall I said "GET BACK IN HERE NOW and clean up this mess." He said "I'll get it later." and that was it. "I went back in the house, I kicked open the front door, and as the truck was leaving out of the drive I threw the frying pan, the breakfast dishes, pots, pans, coffee pot, cup, mug, silverware, baggies, bread, bologna, mustard - you name it? It went flying and then I stood there about as angry as I think a woman could possibly look, and I slammed the door."

    About that time here rolls the King of the idiots up from a 'night out' and all stoned and happy - gets out of a vehicle, and inspects the mess, and words were exchanged, and by the time he got inside? I was shoving the mans **** into garbage bags and dragging it out on the porch. I already had explained my position, I wasn't stuttering and I meant it when I said "I'm not explaining myself again." If he listened to Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt more than he did ME? Too Bad.

    That night when he got home? He already had a place to live - and I couldnt' have cared less. It took 3 weeks for the stink to get out of that room with the windows wide open. It was so bad I had to tear the carpet out. I had NO idea body odor could be that bad, but I promise you when I tell people clean up your mess or I'll clean it up for you and when I clean it up - you won't have to worry about it or living here - I mean it.

    And no - I wasn't going to buy paper plates or anything else- HIS plate was in the dirt. If he wanted it? He could go out and rinse it off and use THAT one. Sometimes - you just have to throw your cares and concerns out the front door and let people figure it out for themselves. Three months of asking someone to wash up after themselves after the house rules were explained and post partum depression was enough for me.
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Star, can you move in with me? I need some backbone. :)