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Utter resignation
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<blockquote data-quote="Go slow mama" data-source="post: 703018"><p>I want to say thanks with a heart full of gratitude. Since I have been posting here (although not much) I have felt the support and the sense of community and it means so much. All of this can be so very isolating and that only adds to the difficulty obviously.</p><p></p><p>Copa, Yes! Indeed the dynamic between single mom and only son is very unique. In some ways we had to be partners a lot of his childhood because life demanded it. I always tried to maintain the role of parent and not obscure the boundaries. But we were very close, he was entirely attached to me. He would sneak into my bed almost nightly until he was 12. I work in front line emergency services so he also learned early that I do a dangerous job; he was rather fixated on my safety for a long time. Oh how ironic now that I am myself obsessed with his safety.</p><p></p><p>His father has never been around in a material way; re-married and started a new family wherein he parents those 2 boys completely. He was often physically abusive with my son so I stopped the visits. This is also complicated by the fact that he is bi-racial and I am white...his dad is black. He identifies as black so this must play in his identity struggles. </p><p></p><p>He was tested for psycho-academics in grade 8 and tested at the grade 12 level; but he hates school and has 13 of 30 credits when he ought to have 22 by now. He is a talented artist, musically and graphically but does not channel it. </p><p></p><p>I feel like I spent so long running around trying to fix it, I was like a cartoon character chasing after him with a safety net. It didn' work. So...yes, surrender is necessary for me but also complicated. </p><p></p><p>It's felt like grief, denial, anger, etc...maybe now I am in acceptance? But I also know that the stages of grief are not a clear continuum but flip back and forth.</p><p></p><p>Thanks for the insight vis invalidating me. I sometimes see he feels undeserving of my unconditional love. I try to live in a place of empathy most of the time because he is not bad; he is suffering.</p><p></p><p>I am reading 'The Journey of the Heroic Parent: Your Child's Struggle & The Road Home' by Dr. <a href="https://www.google.ca/search?rlz=1C1CHRG_enCA484CA484&espv=2&biw=1280&bih=685&q=Brad+M.+Reedy&stick=H4sIAAAAAAAAAOPgE-LVT9c3NEwyM0gxTc82U4JyzQst0oyMDLVkspOt9JPy87P1y4syS0pS8-LL84uyrRJLSzLyiwDyjNSlPgAAAA&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjTn8C7pq7QAhXrx4MKHbt4CD0QmxMIkgEoATAQ" target="_blank">Brad M. Reedy</a>...very helpful.</p><p></p><p>Praecepta; thanks for the encouragement vis fostering...I have considered that before but because of his volatility I fear I would not be approved. Plus I have had child welfare here and had to call the police on him many times...but an idea still.</p><p></p><p>Some days are harder than others...I cry in the car a lot. </p><p></p><p>Some days I know that this is his journey, his path and who am I to stop him?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Go slow mama, post: 703018"] I want to say thanks with a heart full of gratitude. Since I have been posting here (although not much) I have felt the support and the sense of community and it means so much. All of this can be so very isolating and that only adds to the difficulty obviously. Copa, Yes! Indeed the dynamic between single mom and only son is very unique. In some ways we had to be partners a lot of his childhood because life demanded it. I always tried to maintain the role of parent and not obscure the boundaries. But we were very close, he was entirely attached to me. He would sneak into my bed almost nightly until he was 12. I work in front line emergency services so he also learned early that I do a dangerous job; he was rather fixated on my safety for a long time. Oh how ironic now that I am myself obsessed with his safety. His father has never been around in a material way; re-married and started a new family wherein he parents those 2 boys completely. He was often physically abusive with my son so I stopped the visits. This is also complicated by the fact that he is bi-racial and I am white...his dad is black. He identifies as black so this must play in his identity struggles. He was tested for psycho-academics in grade 8 and tested at the grade 12 level; but he hates school and has 13 of 30 credits when he ought to have 22 by now. He is a talented artist, musically and graphically but does not channel it. I feel like I spent so long running around trying to fix it, I was like a cartoon character chasing after him with a safety net. It didn' work. So...yes, surrender is necessary for me but also complicated. It's felt like grief, denial, anger, etc...maybe now I am in acceptance? But I also know that the stages of grief are not a clear continuum but flip back and forth. Thanks for the insight vis invalidating me. I sometimes see he feels undeserving of my unconditional love. I try to live in a place of empathy most of the time because he is not bad; he is suffering. I am reading 'The Journey of the Heroic Parent: Your Child's Struggle & The Road Home' by Dr. [URL='https://www.google.ca/search?rlz=1C1CHRG_enCA484CA484&espv=2&biw=1280&bih=685&q=Brad+M.+Reedy&stick=H4sIAAAAAAAAAOPgE-LVT9c3NEwyM0gxTc82U4JyzQst0oyMDLVkspOt9JPy87P1y4syS0pS8-LL84uyrRJLSzLyiwDyjNSlPgAAAA&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjTn8C7pq7QAhXrx4MKHbt4CD0QmxMIkgEoATAQ']Brad M. Reedy[/URL]...very helpful. Praecepta; thanks for the encouragement vis fostering...I have considered that before but because of his volatility I fear I would not be approved. Plus I have had child welfare here and had to call the police on him many times...but an idea still. Some days are harder than others...I cry in the car a lot. Some days I know that this is his journey, his path and who am I to stop him? [/QUOTE]
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