Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Jan 29, 2009.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    it's been 4 weeks now and to be honest i'm not quite sure if i can keep coping with all of this like this.

    I have no time for anything thru the week AT ALL. I'm locked in a bathroom right now to write this, temporarily till difficult child comes after me again to be with her. easy child is super needy lately as well, making comments saying how i don't care about her, etc. i'm trying to do my job, it's more demanding than i thought, i love it yet it's hard really hard some days i'm learning to balance it and these two kids and the 3 other kids 2 nights a week.

    difficult child's endless school refusal and a.m. anxiety, school making stupid choices ontop of it almost everyday lately making it so much harder. What I go thru every morning before i walk out the door is insane and i know you all know what i'm talking about and how school refusal can be one of the hardest issues to combat ea. day. so before i wlak out door to help other ppl i'm shaking most days by the time i get difficult child into the bldg. her endless issues at bedtime about this that and the other thing, her crying at the slighest things going on forever than two seconds later smiling and being nice again after attacking me verbally. She's attacking easy child each morning also because easy child has been here due to midterm week and later start each day.

    than throw in boyfriend's oldest issues and fact ex wont' bring her to therapy so now we have to figure out how to fit htat into our mon and wed with 5 kids and me walking in from work at 7 each night, and him and i now in counseling whichis the only thing seeming to work at thsi point.

    somethings' gotta give with this kid. it's been since pre k with the school refusal and i get her out almost everytime, but omg i can't do this every morning for the next how many years? no i really can't. my stress level is insane. my coping skills do not always work. easy child is literally flipping out lately about how difficult child's behaviors are.

    i'm not sure what the answer is, we need the money now so quitting isn't an option, getting difficult child ok i dont' think is ever going to happen this is who she is. i dont' know i just dont' get it. i'm feeling really done right now. my anxiety was so high this morinng after fighting with difficult child for two hours to get hr out door i almost threw up in truck with client in car with me.

    ok i'm done venting if anyoone made it down this long. there's gotta be a solution, yet i'm not increasing this medication again. difficult child is already busting out of her size 16 pants.
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    There has to be another way, as you say. If both girls are feeling needy, then both girls are also feeling badly stressed, same as you. There are other ways to deal with stress - unfortunately, it takes an investment of time. You need to stretch yourself evedn thiner, if you can, and take some time out of your evening and spend it with each girl, privately. They each need you, exclusively, for maybe 15 minutes each day. And you nedd to give them that time unstintingly and without you watching the clock or privately fretting over how much better use you could make of your time. Again, not easy with where you are right now. But this has more chance of working than anything else.

    Things to do with each of them - go for a walk. Play a game. Cook together in the kitchen (what she wants to cook, if you can). You can extend your together time, if she is helping you cook.

    Your easy child is at a difficult age, they get very insecure but also very demanding and amazingly intolerant of younger siblings' foibles.

    Other things you can do - relaxation therapy, as a group. Get a meditation tape and listen to it together, doing the exercises. Or go see a relaxation expert who can help teach you all skills in how to defuse your won stresses by a quick visualisation/relaxation exercise. The 9 year old is probably too young for this, but if you and easy child can do this, it could flow on to your 9 year old a little.

    I know it's not a huge help, but it's the best I can think of with what you're fighting at the moment. And I figured, ANY help is better than none, because it could be enough to help you claw your way back up onto the ledge and into safety.

  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    marg i appreciate it more than you know on both your responses on both threads i do. :)

    I already do that with the girls that's why i dont' get this, i get difficult child' with her endless diagnosis and mental illness, yet i think the answer is getting her into a specialized schoool mainstream public isnt' where she belongs. when she transitions into middle school i think i may transition her into a different program i'm looking into. something she can look forward to going to everyday. the school specializes in anxiety ridden and depressed children, high functioning autism, etc.

    i spent time with each the girls. easy child and i sit and talk about school, her tests, her freinds whatever she wants while difficult child is having free time. than difficult child and i are together all the time after that. i have dinner with them at the table. i'm really out of ideas. i ran it by a few of the therapists at work and they said jen i'd say your a.m. plan to conquer the school refusal and anxiety is great, i have nothing to add. lol great i said!
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am so sorry all this is happening. School refusal is the absolute worst. When my difficult child came home from psychiatric hospital and refused to go to school, I called psychiatric hospital SW and was told, "He has to go to school." But how? They had no suggestions on how to help get him there. So, if the "professionals" don't know how,where are we to start?

    Stay calm and get both difficult child and easy child as involved as possible in the morning routine. Do they take snacks to school? Let them choose the snack. I will do things like, "Time to go! I have my purse, do you need to take anything for the day?" or "I am going to start the van. Come out when you are ready!" or "I will turn the light off in your bedroom. Can you take your lunch box?" I do this to avoid putting more attention onto the refusal. But then again, my difficult child's anxiety isn't as long lasting and he doesn't have the other struggles your difficult child is dealing with. However, it may help with your easy child?

    How is your health? Are you still getting sick? That would be a large part of what is going on. You are a strong person and have great ways in working with your kids but if you are sick yourself, that really tears down the patience you need for your processes for difficult child and easy child as well as everything in your life. You don't feel the strength you need to face these challenges.

    So, my first advice is to make your own health the top priority right now. Once your health has returned, you will find the strength to tackle your other issues.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    OK, so you're well on that track. All that leaves is the relaxation sessions. ANother possible suggestion (don't know how you feel about this) is baby massage on your 9 year old. You do it on her. Again, it depends on a great deal. I wasn't able to do it on the boys after about 2 years old and not on the girls after a few months old. But it did help, while I could do it. It helped me, too.

    Relaxation therapy through a psychologist can help.

    And sometimes it's just a matter of boundaries - making it clear that under certain circumstances (such as in the bathroom) you are not to be disturbed.

    It does sound that changing schools is gonig to have to be the end result. It's all very well for other mothers of disabled kids to see you as a champion of kids' rights, but not at the expense of your family and your child.

    We changed schools. Best thing we ever did.

  6. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Feeling it...stress field is clearing...opening another it blow on out...I agree you do need to have your battery charged. For me the worst part of it is when I am not up for the day.
    locked in the bathroom hiding from the kids...yes that is womanhood as I know it.
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry. I can't imagine dealing with school refusal for that many years. easy child had two days of it in the fall and it sent me over the edge.

    I wish I had some great advice but having not dealt with it I can offer only gentle hugs and support.

    The only idea I have is, would she work towards a reward for each day that she gets ready without any problems?

    Again, many hugs.
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    andy thanks and yes i'm better. i'm just run down now is all. fever's are gone, still giong to gyn for other junk im still figuring out. it's so hard to explain to you in writing what it's like with difficult child. her high refusal level, how it is what she does no matter how calm i stay. she is adamant about not going, school last year tried weekly rewards, i try daily rewards. she doesn't care. most days now she will fight long and hard to not go. she wont' get out of bed, than once i can awaken her I strongly belive this is the BiPolar (BP) at play here, the kids in rem when i'm waking her up. their cycle hits later in the night early a.m. hours for them.

    than it's fighting to get dressed, usually a few meltdowns there due to the weight increase and her negative self image. than it's fighting her to get her out of room and down to eat breakfast, than comes prompting a million times to get her to brush her teeth, than comes the diarhea most mornings due to her anxiety of not wanting to go so bathroom extended stay. than the prompting and convincingto get hr out the door. once we get in truck for most part i'm safe.

    my older daughter has been around only this week due to midterms and she said mom i have no idea how anyone could handle this every single day without losing their mind this is horrible. difficult child started verbally attacking easy child today just like she used to bck in the day with your a freak, your so ugly you make me sick etc.

    to see is to believe lol. thank goodness she isnt' hitting me i know other's go thru worse. yet i have been trained now officially on how to handle that as well at work :)

    marg i agree school change is def. it's giong to take a whole other year to get her out once middle school nears closer.

    i feel like i've down alot yet i dont' think i've done enough at times. i am doubling down on new therapist starting next week two sessions per week. now ihave to hire a tutor because grades are slipping especially in math, i'm going to find a sensory therapist because her sensory issues also set her off alot as of late. than nutritionist i'm awaiting appointment. date for, holistic guy i'm tryinig to get on board right now so i can pull this seroquel. i'm going to have to go back to posting schedule in kitchen and in room for everyday. house rules on wall again. i feel like we have slid backward again.

    yet i love when the stupid teacher says ah shes' fine. i thought i did enough yet i guess not. i see kids get hospitalized everyday for what i go thru with difficult child everyday. it scares me bigtime. oh, you dont' want to go to school hospitalization, oh verbally abusive hospital, everything's hospital. i refuse. i did refuse a year ago and i wont' now. there are still alot of parents here i know who go thru worse than this. i know there are sitautions where hospital is best, we aren't there yet. i also don't think alot of the kids i work with deserve it for thinigs such as that yet tha'Tourette's Syndrome a whole other frustration iv'e been feeling at work. sheesh i really should change my name on this board. lol

    im going to go get me herbs. if i dont' it's going to be medications soon :) i have to take them for more energy so i cankeep this up and also to help keep me level with my own anxiety that peeks after the storm subsides i'm left mindless literally.
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    This is so hard.
    It is just never enough for our kids though. We do more, they want more. We do less, they want more.
    It is a fine line we walk. Letting them find their way, yet not letting them get worse.
    The anxiety is just so hard on our kids.
    K has days when I barely raise my voice and it sends here spiraling, hiding in her room under the covers! How do you prepare for these things. How do you help them get over these things?

    I am lucky because the girls get along still. So I can work with them together.
    I have also recently found that painting is really helping K again.
    The clay and paint. I don't even care if it makes a mess. I have a station set up where it is layered with plastic on the floor so she can go and paint whenever she wants. I just get her little brushes and cups out. I have an old long button up dress that she puts over her clothes.
    Sometimes I will sit and watch while she paints, I have a book on hand.
    N paints or plays with clays as well.
    I save paper and have pens, crayons etc out where she can have access to them any time also.
    K is also really into Mandalas. I found a couple of books of them, but you can print them up and she can color them in. It is very relaxing. And pretty!
    Also, K loves to grow herbs and little plants from scratch. it can be pretty cheap to start.

    Hang in there. I think the Occupational Therapist (OT) is maybe going to a good thing for her. have you ever looked into Horse Therapy for her?
    K did it for a year, it was the best!
    The Horse Therapy and Occupational Therapist (OT) were the best!
    We are on a waiting list for Horse Therapy here.
  10. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Jennifer, I am so sorry I am so late to this. I have limited alone time on the computer now that my daughter is home. I am probably going to be late to everything!!!

    Just wanted to add some (((HUGS)))
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Boy, do I hear you! I'm going through the school refusal thing so much lately!!
    I have no words of wisdom. I think you're doing great. Really. You just have to make it through each day. At some point, I really think it will improve, because they know you are going to continue to work, they know you have a life, and they know you will stick to your word and do what you have to do.
    {{Be strong.}}
  12. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Some days, really, all you can strive for is to put the next foot forward, one step at a time. Its one heck of a way to get thru a day, but sometimes, that's where your goals have to be.

    FWIW, it always helps me to have a "break" in sight. It might not be for3 months down the road, but as long as there's a magic day on that calendar, I can keep pushing forward towards it. It helps me, anyway. As soon as that day passes, I make a point of planning another, just for that purpose.
  13. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Sending hugs.........

    As I said on Terry's post.......there is not one thing that would ever entice me to start all over and be a parent, let alone, a parent of a difficult child. They hoover the ever loving life out of ya.

    So sorry you are going through this - it will get better. It will. Try to take some time to see the forest from the trees, and mediate on some peaceful things.
  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Thanks everyone and steely that made me laugh. :)

    I was up till 4 a.m. last night i was incredibly anxiety ridden like never before. It really freaked me out. So i got up grabbed pen and paper and started making lists of everything in my head i had to do for difficult child and everything i had to do for work. I listed what id' do today and yes did it all on the bathroom floor i love the bathroom my safe haven.

    so after that i got it out i did my breathing and got two hours of sleep and than got up adn did it all again. i felt so alone and so so overwhelmed yesterday i hadn't felt that in a while. the pressure was so bad i thought i'd detach. wow.