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Parent Emeritus
Venting, updating, just very conflicted right now.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 640187" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Lil, about the manipulation....</p><p></p><p>I could be very wrong. As we are always saying here, consider what you find comforting or valuable, and let the rest go.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It was an eerie chill, a feeling thing. I could be wrong as wrong could be...but it feels wrong, what your son said.</p><p></p><p>It has to do with holding a bone out. The pain (agony, really) of the lengths you and husband have had to go to for this child, the rage and shame and just plain WTF of what is happening...and your child is telling you how nice someone else thinks you are for not turning your backs on him.</p><p></p><p>The two things don't go together.</p><p></p><p>Someone may very well have said that true thing...but if they did, would he tell you? Is he likely to be pleased with people who think well of you and badly of him? The statement implied that the child was wrong, and that the parents were generous, kind, and forbearing for putting up with it, for not turning their backs.</p><p></p><p>If he had said that someone said you were nice for buying the book? I would think that was a true statement. But to say someone said you were nice for not turning your backs on him....</p><p></p><p>My children play me with exquisite skill. I really do mean exquisite, precisely balanced, consummate skill. Until I learned, here on the site, that it was all designed to get what they wanted <em>which they invariably did, </em>I never once suspected I was being played.</p><p></p><p>For me, for my kids, any positive emotion provides an in to where I am wide open vulnerable. I want this to be over. I want the bad things to stop.</p><p></p><p>I desperately want this all to have been a mistake.</p><p></p><p>If one of my children says anything nice, there is like, a wild leap of hope in my heart that all the badness is over. It feels like my child may have seen the truth at last, through this nice thing someone else said about me <em>and my child is repeating.</em></p><p></p><p>Hope.</p><p></p><p>Hope validates the dream the child represents.</p><p></p><p>Here is something else I understand from knowing about the things I post about myself, here on the site. Even though I may not know, or maybe, may know but not let myself see the wrongness in something happening with one of my kids, the way I post ~ the things I choose to include ~ those are areas I know, on some level, that I need clarification on. I think alot of us do that. We post to keep ourselves honest. We know something about the way we are seeing a thing isn't right, but we don't know what it is. That you posted this part of your visit with your son to us tells me you suspect this, suspect something ~ tells me that you get it that this doesn't fit.</p><p></p><p>But then, sometimes, I say too much, like I know any real thing about what is happening in your relationship to your son when really, of course I don't. </p><p></p><p>I am not really an infallible source of wisdom.</p><p></p><p>I just play one, here on the site.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 640187, member: 17461"] Lil, about the manipulation.... I could be very wrong. As we are always saying here, consider what you find comforting or valuable, and let the rest go. It was an eerie chill, a feeling thing. I could be wrong as wrong could be...but it feels wrong, what your son said. It has to do with holding a bone out. The pain (agony, really) of the lengths you and husband have had to go to for this child, the rage and shame and just plain WTF of what is happening...and your child is telling you how nice someone else thinks you are for not turning your backs on him. The two things don't go together. Someone may very well have said that true thing...but if they did, would he tell you? Is he likely to be pleased with people who think well of you and badly of him? The statement implied that the child was wrong, and that the parents were generous, kind, and forbearing for putting up with it, for not turning their backs. If he had said that someone said you were nice for buying the book? I would think that was a true statement. But to say someone said you were nice for not turning your backs on him.... My children play me with exquisite skill. I really do mean exquisite, precisely balanced, consummate skill. Until I learned, here on the site, that it was all designed to get what they wanted [I]which they invariably did, [/I]I never once suspected I was being played. For me, for my kids, any positive emotion provides an in to where I am wide open vulnerable. I want this to be over. I want the bad things to stop. I desperately want this all to have been a mistake. If one of my children says anything nice, there is like, a wild leap of hope in my heart that all the badness is over. It feels like my child may have seen the truth at last, through this nice thing someone else said about me [I]and my child is repeating.[/I] Hope. Hope validates the dream the child represents. Here is something else I understand from knowing about the things I post about myself, here on the site. Even though I may not know, or maybe, may know but not let myself see the wrongness in something happening with one of my kids, the way I post ~ the things I choose to include ~ those are areas I know, on some level, that I need clarification on. I think alot of us do that. We post to keep ourselves honest. We know something about the way we are seeing a thing isn't right, but we don't know what it is. That you posted this part of your visit with your son to us tells me you suspect this, suspect something ~ tells me that you get it that this doesn't fit. But then, sometimes, I say too much, like I know any real thing about what is happening in your relationship to your son when really, of course I don't. I am not really an infallible source of wisdom. I just play one, here on the site. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Venting, updating, just very conflicted right now.
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